The Top Ten Things I Would Rather Have Than An iPad

April 2, 2010

The 1st Generation iPatch had it’s detractors, as well…

Hey, it’s Friday! Most of you are going to go out and get wasted tonight. I’m not! I’m going out for a nice dinner and then probably going to sleep, because I am exhausted.

Every news organization is talking about the new Apple product that was released today. The…what’s-it-called. iWhat’s-it-called. Yeah, that sounds about right. The mini computer that’s supposed to save the media industry because you can take it places and read things. What a novel idea. It’s like a laptop, only the screen doesn’t close, and if you drop it 99 times out of 100 you’re going to break it. I like it. Sign me up for one. I think it’s brilliant. No, no i don’t. I think it’s pointless. It’s an oversized smart phone or an undersized laptop. In other words, it’s stupid. I can think of hundreds of things you or I would rather have than a new Apple computer phone toy thing. Here are ten of them.

The Top Then Things I Would Rather Have Than An iPad

This is pretty much a list that will explore the benefits and drawbacks of both instant gratification and long-term benefits. Most of the time a hot new tech toy enters the market, people buy it for the instant pleasure they derive from knowing they are the first person on their block to own it. Especially when technology is concerned, there really aren’t many long-term benefits to buying a new product. They usually become obsolete within a year or two. So too will some of my choices for this top ten list. I’ve tried to choose an even number of instant satisfaction and long term benefits to illustrate how maybe it’s not the best idea to drop half a grand on something with an uncertain future. The iPad could go the way of the Pippin.

10. Fifty $10 Hamburgers – More than likely if I want a good burger I’m going to have to pay $12 or $15 for the privilege, so fifty hamburgers is a liberal estimate. Seriously though, I would so much rather go out nearly every Friday night of the year and eat a delicious hamburger for ten or fifteen bucks, I would rather do that then read WIRED or a Cormac McCarthy book on a small LCD screen that’s going to damage my eyesight if I stare too long.

09. The Complete Brain 1000 Series or Vertigo Swirl Labels – Record nerd alert! Sorry if this doesn’t concern you directly, but at least one other person reading things (I hope) would rather have all the green label Brain records or VO 6360 011 (South African pressing of Black Sabbath’s Paranoid on the swirl label!). I don’t have anywhere close to enough money to afford every Krautrock and Vertigo import ever released, so odds are I’m never going to. But still, if I can spend $500 over the course of a few years filling in some gaps in these label collections I’d probably be happier than if I spent $500 tomorrow on a bigger version of the cellphone I already own.

08. One month’s rent – Now that I’m actually looking at Apple’s website, I see that $500 is the base price for one of these gizmos. They go all the way up to $830. If you’re a twenty-something living in a major metropolitan area and you aren’t a banker or a lawyer, odds are your rent falls somewhere in that range. Right? Or am I just embarrassingly poor and totally uninformed? The point is, if someone came up to me holding a new eReader or bigPhone or whatever an iPad is supposed to be, and said, “Here, take this!” I would turn around and sell it to pay my rent for the month. That way I could relax and not worry about bills for a few more weeks, or even take a few days off work without fearing how it will affect my paycheck.

07. Sexual Relations With Hot Models – I never said the items on this list had to be “things,” although I suppose a person who makes a living by selling products based entirely upon how they looking wearing and/or holding those things does kind of objectify them. Still, if my options were a shiny new toy and a chance to fill some Sports Illustrated swimsuit model’s holes, I would most definitely take the latter. Wouldn’t you agree?

06. “LOST” To Never End – While on the topic of intangible items, I should mention that I would much rather keep watching LOST for the rest of my life than I own some stupid E-reader. Then again, I’d probably want to keep watching this show more than I’d want many, many physical objects. Like endless cake and cookies. Who doesn’t like cake and cookies, you ask? I don’t. Not when I have to choose between them and the best television show of all time.

05. An iPatch – Or, as it’s more commonly spelled, an “eye patch”. That’s right. I’d rather be seen wearing an eye patch than holding one of those stupid gadgets. If I want to be the first to buy an iPad I’m going to be pegged by everyone who sees me as a total loser. When the first generation iPhones came out, Steve and I were eating burgers at Father’s Office when some kid plopped down at our table and whipped out his phone. He clearly wanted us to notice it and chat with him about it, so we did. We called him on his desire to be noticed, and he tried to play it cool like he was being ironic. We knew the truth. He was a self-conscious asshole who wanted to be admired by others. I don’t want to be that guy. I’ll sit in the corner of the bar drinking bourbon and telling stories about how I lost my eye while you flaunt your first-generation technology. Let’s see who gets more pussy by the end of the night.

04. A real book – Somewhere in my mess of a bedroom there is a $25 gift certificate to Borders that I’ve never used because it was a college graduation gift from my father’s girlfriend and it sickened me to use it. If it came down to it, I would rather spend that…blood money…to buy a real book than read an electronic book on a screen that’s going to blind me. What would I buy with my $25? Maybe one of those “Eat This Not That” books, or the Artie Lange biography. Or something by the Marquis de Sade. Maybe some more Baudelaire poetry.

03. Some new beers – Hey, while you’re here, if you’ve laughed at all while reading this list you should make a donation to the website. In case you don’t already know, I use that money to buy beer, and then I get really drunk and write about all the crazy shenanigans that follow. It’s almost like having your own personal blog post. It’s a love letter from me to you, as viewed through the lens of excessive alcohol intake.

02. A pocket pussy – I don’t know. I’ve just always wanted to see what one of those things looks like. I’ve never seen one before, I’ve only heard about them, but just think of all the antics that could occur if I had my own pocket pussy. They can’t cost more than ten dollars, can they? C’mon, that’s a savings of like $500 over the iPad, and the long term benefits would be numerous. The allure of a hot new toy fades exponentially over the course of the first month. I don’t know if that’s been scientifically proven or not, but for the sake of this blog post we’ll say it has. Using that same logic, It can be inferred that the allure of a pocket pussy only increases over time, because it’s a sex toy, and sex toys can be used both for pleasure and for fun. I could whip it out at bars or parties to see people’s reactions, I could slip it into a customer’s bag (no, wait, then I’d lose it forever), the possibilities are endless with a pocket pussy. What’s possible with your new iPad? You can read the New York Times or play Bejeweled? Sounds awful.

01. I Want To See The 2nd Season Finale Of “Breaking Bad” – Which is why I’m going to give up on writing this list now and do just that.

Les Rallizes DeNudes – The Night Collectors
The Jacks – Gloomy Flower


  1. Kasi

    this was funny

  2. […] Mention: – The Top Ten Things I Would Rather Have Than An iPad – It started off pretty well with an iPatch joke, but then it kinda faltered. Still, this […]

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