Bono Hurts His Back, 2014 Is The New 2012 And More!

Freemasons have their own island in the gulf? They must really rule the world…

• Poor little Bono needed back surgery. Let me guess, the Edge was a wee bit too forceful the other night? That’s pretty much the only way I can conceive as to how Bono ended up undergoing emergency back surgery yesterday. Or maybe his tiny stature has finally cracked the egotistical bastard’s shell. Maybe he’s “heightening” by added a few extra vertebrae to his spinal column. He’ll be 5’7″ for sure by the time he’s back on his feet. No more lying or fudging numbers to make himself appear as tall as he likes to think he stands. Nope, Bono is going to be a real man now! Also, he’s a piece of shit and he eats babies. By the way, how’s that Yelp investment going, Mr. Worst Investor in America? Have you lost all your money yet? Please go away. Go crawl in a hole somewhere in middle earth, you little hobbit fuck, and leave the rest of us alone. For the love of God, please go. [story]

• I went to the Museum Of Jurrassic Technology with my mother today. It was hilarious to watch her walk through all the rooms and ask, “What the fuck is this? Why the hell is this even in here?” every thirty seconds. So, there’s an exhibit that details all these ridiculous old home remedies, superstitions and urban legends. One of them had to do with draping cloth over mirrors when there’s a lightning or thunderstorm because it’s bad luck to see lightning’s reflection. On a completely unrelated-related note, lightning may also cause hallucinations! Science News reports that it “could stimulate people’s brains and hallucinate bright blobs of light the same way a medical procedure that applies magnetic fields to the brain does.” I wonder what that means in regards to the superstition that says the lady of the house has to urinate on everybody to wake them up on New Year’s Day in order to bless everyone with a lucky year. [story]

• Screw 2012, I want to jump on the 2014 bandwagon! Habibullo Abdussamatov thinks a “little ice age” could begin in the next four years. Don’t worry though, it will only last for about 200 years. I guess that’s why it’s a little ice age. [story]

• What’s wrong, Nancy Lichtenstein? You could only fine “19 ways to feel more confident about your relationship”? What — you racked your brain for that perfect 20th idea but it managed to elude you? C’mon, that’s retarded. Actually, that’s not true. What’s retarded is your list of things a person can do to finally trust their boyfriend or girlfriend. These include “Don’t snoop,” “Work out” and “Be yourself”. First of all, I don’t think snooping makes anybody feel comfortable or confident. And why should not snooping make somebody happier in their relationship? They’re pretty much leaving the door open for their partner to cheat. And telling people they need to work out to be confident says a lot about the other person. What, we should all be worried that maybe we’re not fit or trim enough for the person we’re dating? And how can you “be yourself” if you’re telling people they need to work out more, let go of emotional baggage, and “let him be himself.” Those are all things some people will have to change about themselves, which is the exact opposite of being oneself. What a dumb story. Your advice sucks. [story]

• I guess it could be worse. You could be that grumpy, spiteful bitch Judy McGuire, whose article about “Who gets what when you breakup?” reads more like a “Here’s why you should never date me” than an advice column. Really Judy? You have to thrown in an aside to one of your own exes by saying he can keep the hundred dollars you loaned him? Fuck you, ungrateful, petty bitch! How many times did “Kevin” take you out to dinner while you dated? How many pieces of jewelry did he buy you? You’re going to get your panties in a bunch because you loaned him a hundred bucks once? What a cunt! [story]

• Judy, I’d tell you to go live alone somewhere and leave the rest of us alone, but then I started reading this LA Times article about modern fallout shelters, and I realized that if I tell you quit your job and hide away somewhere you might end up in a room much cooler than mine. You could end up having a pad like Robert Vicino, with the “most comfortable nuclear-blast-proof shelter on the planet.” There’s even a menu for the shelter. A typical meal features sloppy joes, broccoli cheese soup and potato pearls. So…yeah, don’t quit writing shitty advice columns. I need you to keep churning out shit that will brighten my day. [story]

• Fuck. LOST ends tomorrow. What the hell am I going to do with my life?

Live Skull – I Was Wrong
Swans – Weakling