I Think I Just Killed Flat Conner

My phone started vibrating early this morning. It was a call from a restricted number. When I answered, a male voice told me “The alleyway off Selma at Cahuenga. Eight o’clock tonight.” Work today was a bitch. I wanted to get the authorities involved but when I realized I would be asking them to help rescue a paper doll I thought better of it. I could handle the drop by myself. The only problem was, I only had two dollars in my pocket. So I was 999,909.75 Rupees short. No worries, if The Big Lebowski taught me anything, it was how to deliver a “ringer” in place of ransom. From work I drove to the In-N-Out at Sunset and Orange, where I picked up a few empty bags. I filled them with stones that could have mimicked the weight of fifteen animal-style double-doubles. I drove over to Selma and looked for the entrance to the alleyway. When I found it, I hurled the bags down the creepy, dimly-lit path. Then I sped off and returned to my apartment. Conner would be there waiting for me, right? That’s how these things work? I dupe somebody into thinking I’m going to pay ransom, and then when I get home the kidnapped person is sitting there waiting for me? Nobody ever checks to see if there’s actually In-N-Out in the food bags — they just assume I’m honest…

I got home and found a box on my doorstep:

That’s Conner’s arm. I know because it bears his infamous “I love you” tattoo. No one else has that tattoo, it’s totally unique to Conner as far as I know. It also looks like whoever kidnapped him broke his finger first. Fucking animals. The kid is seven years old. What the hell do they want from him? He can’t even speak! He’s a paper doll for fuck’s sake! God dammit. Mrs. Peterson is going to be so pissed off when Conner isn’t back in Greenville, Michigan by June 1st. What the fuck am I going to do now? I can’t just call the kidnappers and apologize for being broke. And who’s to say that had I purchased fifteen animal-style double-doubles they would have returned him? Why am I assuming I’m dealing with a “they” anyway?

So…I’m out of ideas. I’m going to assume Conner is dead because, well, there was a lot of blood in that box with the arm in it. I don’t know how anyone could survive that unless it was hacked off by a surgeon. Should I just assume he’s dead and let go of the pain I feel now for my best friend forever? I mean, tomorrow is LOST night, I should probably start focusing on that, right? Or should I keep fighting and searching for Conner? What are the odds that the kidnapper will call back and give me a second chance? I bet villains like that don’t take kindly to bags of rocks when they’ve specifically demanded In-N-Out. Hmm…LOST (and by extension a life returned to normalcy) or my kidnapped friend, Flat Conner? Decisions, decisions…