Meet Flat Conner

This is humiliating. My sister sent me a letter today. I don’t know what I was expecting her to send me because I’m pretty sure she thinks mail only works one way, and that it involves paying to have clothing shipped to her. I opened up the envelope and there’s this…thing inside. It looks like a paper Gingerbread man. He has a terrible receding hairline, purple shoes (but they might be slippers with white bunny ears sticking out of them) and it looks like he is wearing an AIDS ribbon in the middle of his shirt. On the back of the little paper person it says, “Conner, 18.” Shit. Apparently I just got suckered into a chain letter. What the fuck? Didn’t those things die out when everyone joined AOL in 1995? Who the hell still sends out chain mail? I’ll tell you who: fucking children. That’s who.

There’s a purple sheet of paper tucked into the envelope, too. It lays out the “rules” of this chain. “Hello! My name is Flat Conner and I am in second grade at…” Oh my God, this is already creeping me out. Apparently some kid in Michigan read a book about a guy named Flat Stanley who gets flattened by a bulletin board (how it didn’t kill him is beyond me, I might have to check this book out…). One of Flat Stanley’s adventures was being mailed to California to visit a friend. Jesus. I’m supposed to send Flat Conner’s school in Michigan a postcard from Los Angeles, which will inform his family that he’s been to California. Then I have to sign some kind of “travel log” to prove that Flat Conner really stayed with me in Los Angeles. Finally I have to find someone in another state to send Conner to. I can’t believe I got roped into a fucking chain letter…by my sister…in 2010.

So I’ve got Flat Conner staying at my pad for the weekend, I guess I should try to show him a good time, right? I mean, the purple sheet of paper makes a huge point of saying that the pinnacle of Flat Stanley’s adventure was a trip to California. If Flat Conner is going to achieve such a huge goal, we’ve gotta make the most of the experience, right? So…I’m gonna take him to tonight’s softball game, then maybe out to some bars in Echo Park. Maybe we’ll hit up Gold Room for a special or two, or at least get bean and cheese burritos from one of the nearby trucks. I just hope things don’t get too crazy while Flat Conner’s in town. I have two invitations to parties this weekend…things could spiral out of control really quickly if he and I are not careful. I’m not going to rule out the possibility that Flat Conner and I will end up getting lap dances from skanks at a Hollywood strip club…let’s just say the next three days are going to be really interesting. Don’t click away from Swan Fungus this weekend, I’m devoting it entirely to Conner’s visit to LA. I know it’s not “Sin City” or anything, but I’ll be damned if I can’t show that seven or eight year old fucker (is that how old second graders are?) a good time. While hopefully keeping him out of prison. If you want to hang out with Flat Conner this weekend, shoot me an e-mail.

Let the rage begin…

Nkengas – Anyi Bundi Igbo
Violent Femmes – Promise
Residents – The Sailor Song