The Top Ten Coolest Things About Flat Conner

What can I say, the kid knows how to booze.

Aw, you guys…Flat Conner is the coolest. He came to my softball game last night to cheer us on and — even though I played terribly — my team tied! That’s right, we didn’t win or lose, we tied. Somehow our not-loss helped us make the softball league’s playoffs. Flat Conner was there to witness it all. He’s such a good friend. He’s a great sports fan, too. He sits there quietly watching, he never yells at the umpire or taunts the away team. He just hangs out and contemplates what he’s seeing on the field. I haven’t asked yet, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Flat Conner has a genius IQ. He’s so quiet. Maybe he’s a savant?

Since we weren’t sure whether or not a tie was enough to get our team into the playoffs, we did not go out for celebratory drinks. Instead, I decided to host a small, impromptu “Welcome to LA” party for Flat Conner at Nicci’s house. Ken and KT showed up with some vodka, and I had some Jack Daniels, and rum, and other goodies on hand to aid the celebration. Tom slept on the couch while most of the wild stuff took place. Nicci missed the party. I think she was a bit offended that I didn’t tell her Conner was coming this weekend. Whatever. The party was a success. Conner was feeling a little off this morning, but he went off so hard last night…he had to know what was going to happen as a result. He nursed his hangover all day while I went to work, but now he’s ready to go off again at a house party in Silver Lake.

But enough about Flat Conner — Just kidding! Here’s this week’s Conner-centric Top Ten list:

The Top Ten Coolest Things About Flat Conner

10. He can handle his drugs – Look at the photo below and tell me right now that you don’t think Flat Conner is the coolest 2nd grader you’ve ever seen in your whole life. He was blowing rails last night like a pro, and I don’t think I’m overstating things when I say everyone at the party was impressed:

09. He’s a great conversationalist – Conner and I didn’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. We were up all night talking. Maybe it was all the coke he snorted, but Conner has a such a friendly air about him — it’s easy to get wrapped up in conversation and lose track of time. He’s wise beyond his 7 or 8 years. Or maybe I’m just really immature for a 27 year old. See, if Conner read that statement he’d say something like, “Don’t demean yourself in an attempt to earn a quick chuckle from your audience, Ev…” that’s what he calls me “…you and I both know you’re a great guy with a lot of really cool traits. Don’t dumb yourself down for the sake of your audience. It’s beneath you.” Can you believe that? I’ve only know the kid for 24 hours now but he definitely doesn’t act like a 2nd grader.

08. No Cover Charges / No ID – Dude is so small he never has to pay to get into bars or clubs. He’s flat too, so his ability to compact himself and hide in my pocket means he’ll never get carded, either. He can drink all night and not have to worry about driving home. He’s living the dream…

07. He’s got style – I thought my bright red sneakers were cool, but Conner’s purple ones are so much cooler than mine. The kid has serious fashion sense. I don’t know the first thing about looking good, but Conner in his all-black jumpsuit with the sleeves that stretch almost all the way to his wrists has somehow created a great look. I bet in the next year or two everyone is going to be wearing these all-black jumpsuits with red pockets and an AIDS ribbon with purple shoes. Even around Echo Park, people are calling his outfit “funky.” He’s already caught the eyes of at least a handful of Echo Park’s native stupid hipster sluts.

06. He’s Well Traveled – Most of you know that I love travel. I’ve been all over the country, to nearly all 50 states, and I’ve seen some amazing things. It was neat to learn that Conner has been to Springfield, Boulder, Atlanta, Hilton Head, and Chattanooga. I didn’t make it to Springfield until I was 22. I’ve never even been to Tennessee! It was fun to share stories about some of the places we’ve both visited, and to learn about those I haven’t seen yet. We totally both agreed that Iowa is super boring.

05. He’s Not Afraid Of Vomit – I’ve written extensively on this blog about how afraid I am of puking. I’m an emetophobe. I panic if I feel nauseous because I’m afraid of throwing up. Conner is not afraid of vomit, he proved it when he woke up this morning and vomited all over my desk. He was so hungover, it was kind of funny. But after he was done throwing up whatever gross snacks he found in my pantry before he finally passed out, he said to me, “Don’t be afraid, man. Everyone does it. And you feel so much better afterwards.” Then he asked me to grab my camera, because he wanted to show me how easy it was to throw up:

04. He’s from Michigan – I don’t know where Greenville is, but if it’s close to Kalamazoo I’m jealous. That’s where the Bells Brewery is. I know technically Conner isn’t of age, but he had a lot to drink last night so I imagine he drinks back home in Greenville, too. I haven’t asked yet if he’s been to Bells. Maybe I’m afraid of the answer. That’s the American brewery I most want to visit right now. God, I can’t even begin to think about how good Expedition Stout is on tap. Or their cherry stout. Or their double cream stout…Ugh. Bells. I need you!

03. He Always Wears An AIDS ribbon – I mean, I think that’s what the red thing on his shirt is. I’m not 100% certain, but it sure looks like one. He also has a red flower in his pocket. How enigmatic. Maybe he’s lost a loved one to AIDS. It’s great to see kids these days being aware of deadly diseases and not being afraid to support a cause. I would never be caught dead wearing an AIDS ribbon. Or any ribbon for that matter. My body isn’t a billboard. That’s what makes Flat Conner so cool. He’s all like, “Whatever, maaaaan…” and then he puts on his sunglasses and revs up the engine of his motorcycle before riding off into the sunset. Guys…I think Conner might have AIDS.

02. He’s not ashamed of his receding hairline – Men two or three times his age (myself included) are beginning to worry about how they look in pictures now that their hairlines have started to recede. Conner doesn’t care. His self-confidence is astounding. He can’t possibly be Jewish. I know that I’m constantly having these neurotic thoughts about how people perceive me. Conner lacks self-doubt and self-pity. He’s always smiling. He takes things as they come, and is as easygoing and chill as any 7 year old I’ve ever been around. I admire that about him.

01. He never gets himself into trouble – Even though he was up late partying and puked all over my desk this morning, I get the feeling that Conner knows exactly what’s going on all the time, and is conscious of his surroundings. My sister and mom both called me today asking if I’m taking care of Conner. They need to know that I’m getting ready to send him on to his next destination. I feel like they don’t respect me as much as they respect Conner. They might not even trust me with him. But from what I’ve seen so far, I don’t think Conner could ever find his way into a troubling situation. He’s always alert, which is something most people wouldn’t attribute to a 2nd grader. I know mom and Elissa are worried about this weekend, but I have no doubts the two of us are going to have a great — and safe– time together.

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