Yeah, that’s right. I dressed up as a fake cow and got a handjob from Gail Simmons the other day in Aspen. She had no idea it was me in disguise. In a related story, I’m still waiting for that restraining order to arrive in the mail any day now. Even though I’ve never met Gail (and I don’t intend to), I imagine she’s got to have some kind of contingency plan should we ever randomly be placed in the same setting together. Maybe she’s got lawyers working around the clock to see how I can be punished for my crimes against Gail. Seriously though, look how into milking that cow she is. Her mouth is wide open as she hungrily works that shaft…er, mammary gland. Whatever. All signs point to Gail Simmons being a filthy slut.
Sorry guys, you can try all you might, but Gail’s just not that into you. After years of stalking her around New York and collecting all her different Food & Wine missives, you thought maybe you could slip her some Female Viagra and you could change her life by fucking her silly. WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Gail Simmons cannot be swayed by such fallacies! Female Viagra doesn’t even exist, or so says the FDA. Apparently it “does not show signs of being effective” and “the company responsible for its production…should go back to the drawing board.” Good luck sparking Gail’s interest in you now, sucker. [story]
Why don’t you just die? That’s the question on everybody’s mind whenever you open your stupid mouth. Well, Professor Frank Fenner thinks you’re going to die sooner than you’d think (but not as soon as everyone who has to put up with you would like). “Perhaps within the next 100 years” we’ll all be dead, he says. What’s his reasoning? How did he come to such a conclusion? I don’t know. Why don’t you read the article you lazy piece of shit. What — you expect me to just treat you like an infant and read you bedtime news stories about mass extinction? I don’t think so, chief. How about you click that little link that says “story” and read it for yourself. You might learn a thing or two (note: you won’t ). [story]
Do you know where those howls, whoops, and screeches in the woods of Alberta are coming from? Wait a minute — do you even know where Alberta is? You are so pathetic. You don’t know Alberta. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you even here? It’s in Canada, you moron. You know who else was from Canada? Gail Simmons, that’s who. She went to McGill. I’ve stayed at McGill twice in my life. Who knows, maybe I slept in her dorm room and didn’t even notice. Maybe I jerked off in her shower and never knew she’d stood there naked. No, wait. I was in a McGill dorm for three days when I was 15 years old and I definitely didn’t jerk off while I was there. It was on an overnight camp trip to Montreal. The arboretum was cool. I don’t remember — oh wait, they had this amazing laser tag place down by the water. That was the coolest thing about Montreal. When I went back to McGill in ’01 or ’02 I just smoked a bunch of hash and watched some movies, and recorded a bunch of songs with Jace from The Besnard Lakes and won a few hundred dollars at the casino. That was a way better experience. WHAT THE HELL IS MAKING THOSE SOUNDS IN THE WOODS OF ALBERTA? BIG FOOT? BIGGY? IS THAT YOU? … [story]
Hey, which one of you is going to be the first to buy me two of these? [story]
And, of course, in other news…there is now a picture accessible via the Internet that depicts Gail Simmons milking a cow with my head on its body. If that’s not the biggest and most exciting news story of the week, I don’t know what is! Feel free to re-post that thing all over Twitter and Facebook and wherever else Gail and my future in-laws her parents (if they’re still alive) might find it and get a chuckle out of it.
Ufomammut – II
Magic Lantern – Moon Lagoon Plantoon
Leave a comment