Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the spirit of blogging (or the “not-quite journalistic arts”). As we bid adieu to another beautiful day (except for the parts that sucked), let us remember that there are more beautiful days ahead of us (ones that don’t include work, and do include massive amounts of booze and naked women), and that in the end we will all…I don’t know, perish in a fiery crash? Yeah, that sounds about right. Or at least that’s how I see myself going as of my last “I saw myself die last night!” vivid dream. Hey, it’s better than the month during my freshman year of college when I dreamed I saw myself falling off different water towers in different rural landscapes. That month was such a bummer. Even a toasted bagel with butter and a twenty-ounce bottle of Coke couldn’t save those mornings. Yeah, I also just typed “cock” instead of “Coke.”
• You know what kinds of videos there aren’t enough of on the Internet? Insect fuck videos. If you can get past the part of this video where things are eating other things or fighting each other, you can totally watch two crickets fucking in this video. It’s not nearly as hot as I thought it would be. I could barely keep myself hard for long, and then a cricket broke it’s shell and birthed itself in a new form as an adult. I totally lost my hard-on. Maybe, after the four seconds of cricket fucking squeezed into the middle of this things-eating-things video, I should have closed my eyes and tried to fantasize a bit about the crickets having sex. Maybe I’d throw in a few little dirty one-liners to make it kinkier. Who knows, in my imagination, maybe one of the crickets likes to have it’s asshole licked. What’s the point of all this rambling, you ask? Nothing. I just don’t remember the last time I’ve seen insects fucking. Thanks, Internet! [story]
• Speaking of insect sex, why aren’t there more tales of Chupacabra sex floating around the Internet these days? And another thing! How come when I used to blog over at Blogger.com, whenever I clicked the “Next blog” button in the header bar I never came across anything nearly as amazing as this: a story about a man’s encounter with Chupacabra in…I don’t know, what is it — Puerto Rico? I think that’s where San Juan is, right? Listen — I’ve been to Puerto Rico two, maybe even three times. I never once saw a Chupacabra there. I have pretty good eye sight, too. Odds are, they don’t exist (at least, in PR). I don’t care what this guy thinks he says, or reports others having seen. It didn’t happen. People saw a deer. Whoa — I just had a thought — what if deer really were Chupacabra. I used to see them chewing on dead leaves and eating grass in my backyard as a kid, but what if when I wasn’t looking they were killing and skinny small animals and babies and stuff. That would be amazing. I smell a future movie-of-the-week! *Snaps Fingers* Hey. You. Bring me the guy who wrote Dead Snow! [story]
• Jesus. Look at some of these pictures from the documentary film Home. “The film’s director and camera crew spent almost two years flying over 50 different countries to film the amazing scenery with the final film edited from over 488 hours of high-definition footage. It’s a lot like Planet Earth, but this time everything was filmed from above. [story]
• While on the topic of photography, here’s a picture of Big Ol’ Blue Ball (that’s what really smart people call Earth) taken by some Japanese camera in outer space. Pretty cool, right? Yeah…I didn’t think so either. [story]
• I don’t know the first thing about the Bilderberg Group, nor do I care to. I’ve heard crazy people rant about them late at night on the radio, so I’m sure they don’t exist. People only call into late-night radio shows to discuss things that exist outside of reality. Aliens, Jesus, 2012…more often than not after I listen to these shows I’m left wondering what actually does exist. I guess the Bilderberg Group is a consortium of the world’s most powerful people who gather together once a year to say, “What’s up, bro?” and then discuss how to rule the world for another year. Usually they’re bankers. So at least 1/3 of them are likely Jewish. Which means there’s a 44% chance your mother knows what’s-his-name’s mother from her old Mahjong game, and — wouldn’t you know it — she ran into his mom at the supermarket last week and, oh…by the way, did you hear? The flat slob from your Hebrew school class is a banker now. And he just happens to RUN THE ENTIRE WORLD! SO WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN COLLEGE, EVAN? WHAT, PRAY TELL, WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LEARNING TO RULE THE WORLD? COULDN’T YOU FOR ONCE TAKE YOUR POOR MOTHER’S ADVICE AND STUDY SOME KIND OF VOCATION INSTEAD OF PICKING A NEBULOUS MAJOR LIKE “COMMUNICATIONS” OR “ENGLISH?” DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANYTHING? Ugh. Kill me. [story]
• AT&T decided to suddenly change its subscribers’ data plans Wednesday. Good thing I’ve got a month left on my contract with those idiots before I pack my bags, throw my iPhone into the beautiful LA River and kiss their shitty phone service goodbye. By the way, not that I use much data at all, but what does my contract say about terminating or altering the second most major aspect of my calling plan before the contract ends? I mean, I didn’t read the fine print when I signed up for AT&T because, well…what kind of fucking moron takes the time to read those things? Even if I were to stay with AT&T (which I most definitely am not, as sure as I am sitting here jerking my dick to cricket porn), would you roll over my unused data plan minutes too? I mean, if you didn’t you’d all be great big assholes, but then again, when was the last time a huge national corporation hatched a plan with benefits for its paying customers in mind? [story]
Ben Frost – Through The Mouth Of Your Eye
The Chameleons UK – Soul In Isolation
June 5th, 2010
How much data do you use, pray tell [or, per the insect conversation, perhaps "prey tell"]? The most data we’ve used on our non-smartphone in one month is a measly 17 mb. Therefore, tiering would be good…if the minimum choice were much cheaper than the unlimited rate. Which it is not.