Late Night Free Write

It’s weird to think that I like eating sushi now. Because for 26 years I thought it was horrible. Seriously, until a few months ago I thought sushi was no more than a vehicle by which food poisoning could enter one’s body. It literally served no other purpose. The colors looked nice (sometimes), the seaweed reminded me of what fat women at the Jersey Shore got stuck between their toes, and the prospect of eating raw fish seemed as appealing to me as slamming my dick in a door. And yet there I was tonight at a sushi place in Glendale sending off Mike back to New York with a variety-filled sushi dinner. I ate raw tuna. How fucking gross is that? Answer: not as gross as canned tuna.

I apologize for my not having written anything of substance in a while. I worked nearly two weeks straight without a day off, so I didn’t have much time to conceptualize funny rants. Also, this quitting-soda-cold-turkey thing is actually making me as grumpy as I am sleepy. I’m like all seven dwarfs rolled into one: sleepy, grumpy, sappy, damaged, mopey, depressed and faggy. That’s all of ‘em, right? Oh, and then there was doc. What was his deal, anyway? He didn’t get counted among the seven? Maybe he did and I just don’t remember. It’s not like I watch fucking Sleeping Beauty all the time. Or was it Snow White? I don’t remember. In college my roommate was trying to cast a show he was directing, and he’d give me the headshots of all the girls who auditioned for him. And I would hang them on my wall as if they were great sexual conquests of mine, but really I would just send them creepy e-mails or instant messages. I especially liked this one girl whose resume touted her biggest acting gig as being Snow White. Although I liked the idea of telling my friends I was fucking Snow White, I never connected with the girl outside of her responses to my creepy e-mails. I’m not quite sure what the point of this paragraph is, but I’ve already written it and it looks impressively long so I’m not going to ignore and delete it. That’s what she said…?

Hey…I’m glad you’re here. Each of you 1,040 people who view this page daily are my closest friends. I want to let you guys in on a secret that I hope you won’t spread too far beyond the, uh, one-thousand of you who are reading this: I miss Sister, Sister. Who did you think was hotter, Tia or Tamera?

I can barely keep my eyes open. I’ll probably end up posting this in the morning and back-dating it to make it look like it was posted just before midnight on Tuesday. Thanks for nothing, caffeine/soda withdrawal. Oh well. At least I’ll get some good sleep tonight. When I wake up tomorrow it will be over 80 hours since this test started. When the hell do all the withdrawl symptoms disappear? Next week? Next year? Someone? …

The Alps – Drop In
Ignatz – She Will Freeze
Sunburned Hand Of The Man – The Vendetta