Letters To No One: A Response From Yoplait

June 11, 2010

I am not used to such quick turnaround when I submit one of my letters to no one. I’m also not used to companies taking me seriously. Especially when I include statements like “My father used to tell me, “Pick your pacifier up off the ground, wash it off, and shove it back in your mouth.” I was seventeen years old at the time.” Why would anybody in a consumer services or customer relations department even consider penning a response to someone who is so clearly poking fun at the process of writing a complaint?

Oh well, at least I’m three-for-three this year in getting responses for my letters. In 2009 I didn’t get a single response from Coca-Cola, IKEA, or the “Huge American Corporation” that stole money from me. This year I’ve heard from the guy who stalked me at work, Sirius XM and Yoplait. I’m on a hot streak right now, and who knows when it will end. Quick, someone get me Gail Simmons’ e-mail address. I’ve got a complaint to raise about a lack of her mouth on my dick!

Oops. Sorry. I forgot I’m not supposed to demean women on this website or write anything too lascivious. An old schoolteacher of mine might read this. Here’s the letter I received from Yoplait this morning.

Dear Mr. LeVine:

Thank you for contacting Yoplait.  We are concerned to hear of the experience you reported with Yoplait light banana cream pie yogurt.

Food quality is a primary concern at our company.  Considerable care is taken in the preparation and packaging of all our products and all of our employees are required to wear hair nets. Our products are never touched by human hands during the processing or packaging of the product. Our plants are inspected monthly by Quality Regulatory Operations. Our Quality and Regulatory Organization has been notified of the incident you reported.

We apologize for the experience you described with our product and appreciate this opportunity to reply to your concerns.  Because we value you as a customer, we are sending an adjustment for your purchase as a gesture of goodwill. It should arrive in 7-10 business days.  We hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products.


Jeremy Gold
Consumer Services

So there you have it. Apparently there’s a check for seventy cents in the mail with my name on it. Should I cash the check and keep the seventy cents? Or, should I frame it and post it on my wall, which will both cause me to smile every time I see it and think about how I took down a renowned dairy brand, and it’ll throw off their accounting books, right? When it comes time to file their taxes someone at Yoplait will be like, “Wait a minute — our account seventy cents over!? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!!!!”

The next morning, CNN’s lead story will be about Yoplait’s in-house accountant blowing his or her brains out. Then I’ll have my revenge for eating a cup of yogurt with a fucking hair in it.

Next week: The Top Ten Albums Of 2010 (January – June). Hold your genitals in anticipation, folks. This one’s gonna be good!

1 comment

  1. gidge

    “Our products are never touched by HUMAN hands during the processing or packaging of the product.”
    Does that imply that the hair was from some sort of animal?
    Or it’s an oompa loompa hair!

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