Letters To No One: Yoplait
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Fat Free? Yes. Human Hair Free? Um…No.
I am an ardent Yoplait Light fan. My supermarket has been running a 10/70 cents deal on your yogurt for months now, and every 11th morning I visit the store and stock up on new yogurts. My favorites are Key Lime Pie and Blueberry Patch. This morning — upon returning from a quick hike/run through Runyon Canyon — I fixed myself a bowl of Oatmeal (not a Yoplait product) and grabbed some yogurt from the fridge. I peeled back the factory seal and skimmed the top of the yogurt as I always do, taking a small nibble of delicious Banana Cream flavored yogurt. Then I dug my spoon a little deeper into the cup and went to eat it. I skimmed the top of the yogurt off of my spoon and then looked down. I saw a hair in the yogurt. A black hair. A gross, black hair. I was mortified. I was sickened. I was…pick an adjective used to denote both surprise and disappointment.
Listen. I’m no stranger to finding foreign objects in my food. My father used to tell me, “Pick your pacifier up off the ground, wash it off, and shove it back in your mouth.” I was seventeen years old at the time. Still, it’s one thing to go to a restaurant (*coughcough* Chipotle *choughchough*) and find hairs in your burrito every single time you eat there. It’s an entirely different situation when you shop at a supermarket and buy a factory-sealed product that is created and packaged under strict supervision, and that is supposedly quality control checked by people paid to prevent things like hairs-in-yogurt from happening.
I am sad, Yoplait. I am sad because my standard breakfast choice has been tainted by this disgusting experience. I still have 8 more yogurts sitting in my fridge, and I don’t even know if I want to eat them anymore. Maybe they all came off the assembly line together. Maybe some hairy, shedding Yoplait factory worker scratched his dandruff speckled hair and it fell out of his head into multiple unsealed yogurts. Now maybe those hairs are in my fridge, waiting to surprise me, like a yucky dermatological land mine. I shouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life combing through Yoplait Lights for signs of human biomaterial. What am I going to do, spoon out all the yogurt into another vessel in order to more-closely inspect the contents of the package, under the assumption that I’m somewhat-likely to find another hair? That doesn’t sound like a very fun way to start my morning.
Hopefully someone at Yoplait — and in particular the quality control department — can convince me that I should continue to buy your product while assuring me that I will never find another hair in a cup of yogurt. Until this morning, I enjoyed my daily routine of starting off with a satisfying Yoplait Light. I hope in the future this will continue to be how I begin each day. I know it is not featured in a Yoplait commercial, but to borrow a line from the makers of Folgers coffee: The best part of waking up is NOT finding human hair in your Yoplait Light.
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