My Reality Show Application

At this point I’m going to assume I wasn’t “perfect” enough to be featured in a documentary series about picky eaters. I’m alright with that. If I’m going to appear on a television show, I don’t want it to do something that’s going to cast any of my characteristics in a weird or negative light. Could you imagine being recruited to be featured on that show Hoarders? I watch that show and label all of its personalities insane without so much as a second thought. I know it’s hypocritical, but I don’t want anybody labeling me like that. Even if I know I’m crazy for having picky eating habits, I’m not going to sit back and let people call me crazy. If I had my druthers, all the douchebags I went to high school with wouldn’t see me on television unless I had achieved something really cool. Reality documentary about weirdos? No thanks.

That said, here are my results as they were mailed into the casting director for the show.

About You

What would your family/friends say are your best/worst qualities: Best: Sense of humor, Intelligence, Kindness. Worst: Stubborn, Worrisome, Smarmy.

Where were you raise? Describe your upbringing: I was raise in New Jersey. Upper-middle class family, until it was broken by divorce. Then I became reclusive and developed most of the neuroses/bad characteristics described above. The reclusive bit ended after some time. I think. Maybe it hasn’t ended. The worst qualities have stuck with me. My mother and I are very close. My father and I are not close. They live one-hundred yards from each other on the same street. It gets kind of awkward when I travel back East to visit.

What personal goals do you have for the future?: I’d like to write, and make money doing so. Not in that snobby “I write screenplays” way, but in the more respectable “I have ideas for books!” kind of way. Also, I want to have as normal a life as possible given my family’s genetic makeup. That is to say, my mother’s family doesn’t have a history of longevity. I think only one male ever lived through his forties. My father’s family is riddled with embarrassing relatives with various social and psychological dysfunctions.

What would people be surprised to learn about you (other than your eating habits)?: I have what I like to call an “un-photographic memory.” Basically what that means is, if I meet you, chances are as soon as I close my eyes or turn around I won’t remember what you look like. That applies to everyone in my life, even those I’ve known since birth.

Fill in the blanks: “Most people think I’m gay but I am actually just tall, skinny, and un-athletic.” I’m in a relationship with a girl. And we have sex. And I enjoy it!

Describe your social life and your circle of friends: Since moving to LA, the majority of my friends work in the television or movie industry, and are, by and large, alcoholics. But they’re the only friends I have out here. In high school I gravitated towards the musicians and nerdy stoners but I was a good student. I’d say most of my friends are good people. some of whom happen to have substance abuse problems. Most of my social life revolves around going to bars, concerts, or friends’ houses. Compared to my friend I’d say I’m pretty low-key, actually. The most (outwardly) laid back of the bunch. Internally…I’m a mess.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?: I’ve never heard a Lady Gaga song.

About Your Eating Habits

What 2 or 3 food items dominate your diet?: Bagels, eggs, soda.

How long have these foods dominated your diet?: Since childhood. In college I had a toasted bagel with butter and a twenty-ounce Coke every single day, for four years. After I moved home, I continued this trend until I moved to Los Angeles. Once I was in LA, I continued that habit until my girlfriend tried to get me to eat yogurt. Now I sometimes eat yogurt for breakfast. As for eggs…it’s my belief that a man is only as great as his best omelette. It’s also really easy to just cook eggs and call it a meal, and I spend so much time thinking and worrying about life that I rarely have more than a few minutes to think about what I’m going to eat next. And I like eggs, a lot. The burger stand on the corner can expect me every Thursday morning for eggs, bacon and toast (plus a soda) for breakfast. Best hangover cure I’ve discovered.

What “rules” do you have when it comes to food or eating? Well, first of all, if I didn’t have people reminding me to eat every few hours, I probably wouldn’t eat until I was in complete agony. I don’t think that’s a rule, though. In fact, it’s pretty much the absence of rule. For nearly ten years my motto was, “Don’t eat anything that can potentially give you food poisoning.” That was because I developed an irrational (but very real) fear of vomit. Now that I have a girlfriend who loves food I often have to consent to whatever she wants to eat. I wish I could still be surviving off of bagels, eggs, pizzas and hamburgers cooked (at least) medium-well or well-done. I’ve been lucky enough to make a lot of friends in my life. If I learned from one of them that they once had food poisoning, I would make a mental note to never eat that food again. In high school I once thew up after eating a Tombstone pizza. Even though that was a staple of my diet at the time, I have not — since the age of 16 — consumed one. Those things were amazing. I miss them sometimes, but they remind me of vomit. One time a famous actress went on Conan O’Brien and mentioned that she got sick from eating a Subway sandwich. Although I’d never eaten Subway before, I refused to try it for many years. Other rules include “Don’t eat anything that is white” and “Don’t eat anything that is green.” I’ve pretty much gotten over green. I traced my fear of green food back to my childhood when I saw the movie Troll 2. In that movie, trolls were trying to turn humans into plants so that they could eat them. I refused to eat anything green for nearly two decades, but recently connected the dots to realize that Troll 2 was to blame for my fear. As for white foods? No way. No cream cheese. No sou cream. No ranch. Ew. Ranch.

What food would you never eat, even if you were starving?: Tuna fish. That shit is so gross. I tried it once but the smell makes me gag. And I can smell it from a mile away. Maybe not that far away…otherwise I’d be constantly gagging. Shit, how can that stuff not kill everyone who eats it?

List your typical meals: Breakfast is a bagel (possibly with bacon and eggs, most likely toasted with butter or peanut butter). Soda. Diet or regular Coke. Lunch is nothing. I don’t eat lunch. I don’t get it. It’s a useless meal with no staple dish. Dinner is pizza or a burger, sometimes I substitute chicken with plain pasta. A beer or a soda or both to accompany the meal.

What is the most outrageous thing you have done in the name of your eating habits? I broke up with a girl who couldn’t eat peanut butter. I might have elbowed my mother in the eye to get away from a bowl of tuna fish. More recently, I challenged myself to try 100 new foods. I met the goal, but it was kind of embarrassing when I tried to boast to all my friends about how I’d eaten a peach, an avocado, a pear, or sushi. They were all shocked. Most of them laughed at me.

How have your eating habits affected your life?: At one point or another, I’ve been approached by every single friend and family member I’ve ever known and asked if I have an eating disorder. This happened most frequently during the height of my “Don’t eat anything that can make you sick” stage. I was a freshman in college and instead of gaining the “Freshman 20″ I lost almost 30 pounds in a school year. If I was starving I would go down to the vending machine in my dorm and get a mini box of cereal, which I would consume not with milk, but with a can of Pepsi.

Do other people know about your eating habits? Who are they and what do they think?: I think most people know about my eating habits. I’d say the people who I know the least probably think I am normal because I can order something when we go out to eat together, but those who have been around me long enough spot trends or see through my food choices to the reasons behind them. My mother has had to deal with me my entire life, but she’s starting to worry less now that I’ve made an effort to expand my horizons. As a child I only ate grilled cheese sandwiches, grape jelly sandwiches and cottage cheese. Now that I’m older I hate grape jelly and cottage cheese, but at least I can order one thing off a menu at most restaurants.

How would your life change if you could eat a wider variety of food?: I would gain weight, obviously. Mostly though, I wouldn’t have to make up excuses for why I don’t want to go out with friends. And I could order more than just steak at a steakhouse, a burger at a pub, pizza at an Italian restaurant, or eggs at a diner.

Is there anything you are uncomfortable sharing about your personal life on national television?: Nope. I’m an open book.

Is there anything we haven’t asked about you think we should know?: I freeze up on camera.

List any major events or activities planned for you in the next 6 months that we should know about. Include approximate dates.: I’ll be traveling home to see my family in October. I play softball on Thursday nights. I work 5 days a week from 11am to 7pm.

Miscellaneous

Have you ever been a performer, participant, or contestant on television, radio or film?: No. I auditioned to be in a movie with Burt Reynolds called Cop And A Half, but I was very young and didn’t get the part. I’ve called into a radio show twice.

Are you or have you ever been a member of the television/film unions SAG or AFTRA?: I have not.

Will you be appearing on any television programs that are scheduled to air in the next year? I most definitely am not, unless I’m chosen without my consent to appear on one of those stupid reality shows where the girl at the Laundromat picks a fight with me because the washing machine won’t accept my debit card, and after getting me to freak out and threaten to call the cops, it turns out she’s Lady Gaga. God, those shows suck.

Have you applied to be on any television programs in the past year?: No.

Are you currently being considered for any other reality shows, including, without limitation, any games or contest shows?: I am not.

James Blackshaw
Live on WFMU
The Long Rally – February 2nd, 2010

01. Cloud of Unknowing
02. Past Has Not Passed
03. Cross