Remedial Learning

Hey, this Maalox shit works pretty well!

A few weeks ago my doctor told me that he’s pretty sure the crippling, chronic stomach pain I’ve been battling since my high school days is not an ulcer. Nor is it anything potentially life threatening. This was a sigh of relief, because of late the pain has been so uncontrollably terrifying that there have been nights I have barely slept even after popping sleeping pills (over the counter and otherwise), benzos and every stomach medication currently available at your local pharmacy.

Oh, and in case I haven’t ever told you, I have a chronic stomach issue. I’m in some degree of pain most days from the moment I wake up, and I’ve never quite received a diagnosis from any doctor I’ve visited in the last ten years. I’m like Kurt Cobain, but I haven’t turned to heroin or a shotgun yet. Instead I am prescribed pills — and they work from time to time — but the pain persists. Most days it’s like a 2 or a 3 and I’ve gotten pretty good at ignoring it. Over the past six months I’ve been dealing with a day or two each month when the pain reaches an 8 or a 9. If it were a 10 I’d rush myself to the ER. Or have Dylan Carlson help me buy a shotgun.

It kind of sucks, but like I’ve said, I’m pretty good at hiding it by now. Even my closest friends don’t notice my discomfort at this point. Anyway, I had some crackers and cheese for lunch today because I ate a big dinner last night. Midway through my lunch break the pain began to grow, and by the time my shift ended (48 minutes ago) I was in agony. I promised my co-worker I’d go off at his birthday party tonight and get drunk off my ass, but I was beginning to worry that I wouldn’t make it. I thought about taking a tranquilizer, but then I wouldn’t have been able to drink too much. So I stopped by the supermarket and perused their selection of stomach-pain remedies. I’m not even sure what Maalox is, but I took a few chugs in the car on the way home from work. In the last 15 minutes, the pain has subsided considerably. Enough so that I’m going to go buy some booze when I finish writing this post and start getting loaded.

By the way, if you’re still reading this, today’s blog post was not written by a SPAM bot.

Once when I was in college I put off having sex with this raven haired girl with a tight little body because I was so handicapped by this unexplainable pain. I’d met her through a friend and we went on one date. I don’t know why, but she took a liking to me even though every other sentence was about how much I hated whatever pop culture thing she was asking about. “Have you heard this band Interpol?” “Did you see Ghost World yet?” Maybe my constant eye rolling was making her moist. Maybe she had daddy issues and was looking for a guy who would cut her down to size. I don’t know…but anyway, at the end of the date she invited me home with her and I had to say no. I felt like Kane in Alien right before the chestbuster ripped through his torso. That was Kane, right? I haven’t seen that movie in forever. Anyway, my disappearance from the restaurant must have had a very Teen Wolf feel to it. But I assure you, not even the greatest sex in the world could cure such agony. I never heard from the girl again, presumably because I made her feel like shit for leaving her without so much as a “Thanks for the fuck invite, I gotta go!”

My point is, if I had then all these crazy medicines I have now…I would have been wrist deep in pussy way more often than I was in college.

That’s it. That’s literally all I wanted to say today. “If I was on three different medications and knew Maalox worked (at least once), I could have had sex with a really cute girl one time.” Maybe I should have just Twittered that instead? It sure would have saved us both (yes, there are only two people who read this website, and one of them is me) like…five minutes.

Voice Of The Seven Thunders – Out Of The Smoke
Violent Femmes – Ugly