The Weak In “Indie” Rock: 7 Days Of Suck

Area Wimp Rolls Up His Sleeves And Takes It From Behind
photograph courtesy of Pitchfork Media

• Yes, you read that Pitchfork News headline correctly: Sufjan Stevens is recording a new album! It’s his first album since his mind-numbing “album of the year” Illinois. Last we heard from the untalented shtick-biter (see: Danielson Famile, The), he had nixed his 50 states project and was quoted as saying, “I no longer really have faith in the album anymore. I no longer have faith in the song.” I guess if I’d promised scores of “indie” scenester fags fifty concept albums  I too would try to renege on the deal. It’s funny — just the other day I was thinking about how the flute isn’t featured on enough shitty new pop records these days. Oh God, I’m so excited about having fresh Soupjam material to mock. It’s been five years. Five long years! I bet he thinks I’ve forgotten all about him by now. Yeah dude, it’s finally safe to make dreadful sonic macaroni art for an audience of virgins. You hunker down and work on a new opus. I’ll just bide my time. What’s more, the stupid wuss has hired his own friends to leak rumors about how mind-blowing the new album is going to be. A guy from a band called The National (never heard of ‘em) says that the new album is “going to be incredible.” If it’s anything like his previous albums — lyrics that are obvious attempts to prove how smart he is juxtaposed to a 17-year-old girl’s idea of a rock opera — it’ll be another candidate for my Worst Work of Art Ever award. I’m counting down the days until his label releases the album’s Dave Eggers-esque track titles. Oh my God, it’s going to be like Christmas in August. Just you wait. Someone please get me the guy’s mailing address. I really want to mail him a certificate of suck.

• Speaking of old-timey theater music, the Arcade Fire were in the news twice last week! Nope, they haven’t started the Our Town revival I imagine they will attempt someday. Instead they released a new single and performed in their homeland (by way of Texas!) Canada. In a related news story, female English majors across the country were rushed to their campus hospitals after experiencing dizzy spills. Coincidence? I think not. The band”s new album is coming soon, and it’s called “The Arcade Fire Presents” Suburbia. For fuck’s sake, are you serious? “The Arcade Fire Presents?” Could you be any more pretentious? I mean, the forty-year-old hipster dads of Park Slope don’t seem to care, but some of us are actually starting to feel bad for you. No worries though, Pitchfork’s review of the concert in Canada was filled with glowing praise, which always makes me giddy. There were statements like, “The Danforth Music Hall stage bore no signs of a Greendale-style production.” I guess that’s supposed to be an obscure reference implying there was nothing elaborate about the show. Oh yeah, except for the whole part about how “The new album’s essence was more easily discerned from the eight-piece band’s choice of attire.” Wait a minute — you’re telling me that there’s nothing gaudy about having EIGHT FUCKING PEOPLE on stage? And you’re passing judgment based on what they wore? Is that a joke? I mean, come on…you guys are journalists. Clearly you know better than to do something as stupid as to draw analogies between art and the clothing choices of those who create it [Evan firmly thrusts his tongue in his cheek] No? Pitchfork? You’re not that savvy? Fine. Keep writing shit like, “The title track elicited enthusiastic applause on account of its jaunty “Oh Yoko!”-style piano rolls, playful falsetto chorus and the ascending violin lines of Sarah Neufeld and Marika Anthony Shaw that squealed like singing saws.” I don’t care I give up. Let the fools adore Wimp Butler and his theater music. I’m gonna listen to some actual rock music.

• Here’s a shocker: Interpol has left Capitol Records for Matador. Uh…is there a difference between Capitol and Matador anymore? I’m sorry, I thought they were both major labels. Hey, whatever happened to Interpol, anyway? Last I heard of them was when I saw them at Curiosa. After the show my friend Lindsey’s car broke down so we were stranded on Randall’s Island until four o’clock in the morning. At one point Carlos D got into a taxi with three fat girls. That was the last I saw or heard of his band. Is he still in the band? Is he still giving girls herpes? OH MY GOD, I’m now reading that he was replaced by Dave Pajo. That’s just…that’s rich! Oh well, at least he’ll get a lot of pussy on the road. Good job, Pajo. From Zwan to Interpol. Sounds like a great title for you autobiography. Yeah…Interpol moves from Capitol to Matador — a lateral move for sure, but I imagine nobody cares because no one has cared about Interpol for a decade — enlists Dave Pajo, and they immediately start offering fans the chance to buy $40 hoodies on their next tour. End of story.

• Pavement is touring…with Phish? No? That band is not reuniting too? Oh. I thought every band ever was reuniting this summer. At least now hipsters can brag to their grandchildren, “I saw Pavement live.” while slyly neglecting to mention “…on their reunion tour.” Has anyone seen any of these shows yet? Does Malkmus even look like he cares? Is he trying to sing on key? Thanks to YouTube, I think I’ve found a clip of the reformed band playing live and let me tell you — this looks as much fun as having your nuts caught in a vise. I think Jewel concerts have more energy. Just as I suspected, stupid Bob is there playing a tambourine and dancing around like a clown. I hope everyone who bought tickets to these shows was satisfied. Your pitiful obsession with Pavement has lined Bob’s pockets enough that even a non-Pavement fan girl could actually be swayed to date him.

• Quick hits: Brian Ryan Adams wants to release some archival recordings. He’s apparently acting under the assumption that if all your new music sucks, why not put out something that was recorded a few years ago while those other albums were being recorded? It’s…let’s just say it’s not a smart move. Weezer recorded a song just for the World Cup. Somewhere across the sea, an under-aged Japanese girl is aborting another one of Rivers Cuomo’s illegitimate children. There’s a band that Looks like this. I hate them already. The Strokes played their first show in four years. Six people showed up to watch the band break in their new designer clothes and asymmetrical haircuts. Sorry Zach Braff and Natalie Portman, The Shins still haven’t changed anybody lives. Lastly, of course, Vampire Weekend are still Haircut One Hundred.

Virgin Prunes – Rhetoric