I don’t think I need to remind anyone how much I hate bees. Next to vomit, bees are my biggest fear. No, I don’t feel a little bit gay that the two things I’m most afraid of in the world are so ridiculous. I think people who are afraid of clowns are ridiculous. My mother has told me that her biggest fear is being buried alive. Hey, at least my fears are things that one could conceivably come in contact with in the blink of an eye, every day of your life. How often do you come face-to-face with a clown? How often do you find yourself in a scenario where being buried alive is a realistic outcome?
It’s been reported by the Telegraph (UK) that some guy found himself stuck in the middle of a swarm of 30,000 bees recently. “At first I didn’t know what it was, it looked like a black snow blizzard all around the house and sounded like we’d been surrounded by people blowing vuvuzelas.” At some point the bees clumped together to form a 2-foot-long “grape” on a nearby tree. There are pictures of what 30,000 bees look like when they’re clumped together. It’s making me feel anxious and dizzy just looking at it. I never want to see this thing again. Take it away from me.
I was at the gym a few weeks ago running on the treadmill when I noticed the TV in front of me was showing some kind of History Channel documentary about killer bees. I was engrossed as I ran 3 miles, watching these guys in full-body suits charging into killer bee nests to try and gauge the aggressiveness of the colony. I think I might have tripped over my jaw at one point. At the very least, my heart rate was elevated for the 30 minutes it took to reach my stationary destination. I left the gym convinced that I was going to be attacked by a swarm of killer bees. They’re in America now, you know…
A few days ago I read this article about how researchers at the University of Arizona have genetically engineered a malaria-resistant mosquito. Which brings me to my main point: Why the hell wasn’t Matt involved in this when he was at U of A oh right it’s because it took him 8 years to graduate Why haven’t scientists genetically engineered bees without stingers or bees less aggressive than killer bees? That seems like it’s a little more important to the developed world than mosquitoes that are resistant to malaria. I don’t even think we have malaria in the United States! But I’ll tell you what we do have: Killer bees. Maybe if scientists at U-of-A looked in their own backyard, they might see that America has more important issues than the small percentage of our population which travels to sub-tropical climates every year and catches malaria. Killer bees could get me any day now. I’m walking around with a big target on me inviting those killer bees to destroy me. They could strike at any time. I could have a colony living in my air ducts right now and wouldn’t even know it. All it takes is one sting to set off those bees. They have LoJack or something. I’m not going to Costa Rica any time soon, so the whole malaria-resistant mosquito thing means nothing to me.
I’m sorry, I keep going back to the article about the fucking bees. Would you look at that “grape?” That thing is like my worst nightmare. The only way it could be any worse was if they stung me and I vomited everywhere. Or if all the bees vomited on me. Think about it — 30,000 little vomiting bees could really add up to a lot of vomit. Imagine 30,000 insects stricken with stomach bugs (ha! bugs with bugs…) and by stinging me they’re passing along the bug to me, and then I’m sick with the sick of 30,000 bees. I think that’s my worst nightmare. That or everyone’s vomiting on me and I’m a bee. That might be my real worst nightmare. And — hey wait a minute, look at that photo credit in the article about the bees. “MASONS?” What do you mean, that credit for that photograph belongs to the Fraternal Order of the Freemasons? That seems odd. This sounds like a job for Hornet Montana! ACK! I just realized the first name of your pseudonym is a relative of my biggest fear. Not cool, dude. Maybe you should change your name to something more Evan-friendly…like Pussy Montana. Yeah, I like the sound of that. How about, Mathrock Montana?
Speaking of my friend Hornet, I got an e-mail from the man the other day asking of if I’ve heard of or seen the new NBC miniseries Persons Unknown. In his words, “it is a LOST ripoff (every character has a LOST counterpart), but you may find it humorous.” Apparently I’ve already missed a half-dozen installments of this miniseries, but I guess through the power of the Internet I can find the first couple episodes to see if it’s any good. Or maybe it’ll just make me laugh and miss LOST. Thanks Hornet. I’ll see you in a few months…
I had a conversation with two of my co-workers today that basically revolved around my inability to function on a normal human day-to-day level. I was commenting on how shitty those stupid healthy microwavable lunch meals taste, and she asked me why I just don’t make my lunch? What do you mean, “Why don’t I just…” do you have any idea how unbalanced I am psychologically? I can’t be bothered to think about preparing a meal for myself hours ahead of time! There’s way too much swirling around in my head to bother with those kinds of trivialities. I’ve got to focus on the important things, like not touching any surfaces that could be covered in germs, while simultaneously worrying about bigger-picture issues like, do I have a brain tumor, or kidney stones, and where did I park my car last night, and what can I buy with only three dollars and forty-two cents in my pocket, and how badly do I need a fucking vacation, wait did I remember to lock my front door this morning, shit I haven’t responded to that job offer from three weeks ago, it’s been an hour since I washed my hands, hey why is that person yelling at me in Spanish, oh right I’m standing in the middle of an intersection with a “don’t walk” sign flashing and I’m naked and pissing on her Honda. Look, I don’t know how I’m able to wake up in the morning and shower and go to work. I just know that as I’m doing it my mind is in 75 other places contemplating 150 unrelated ideas. You should all just be happy I’ve eluded forced-medication or incarceration for this long. Things could change any day now.
Doomed. I’m so doomed. I finished writing that paragraph and I just looked at this list of symptoms of severe OCD and I think I’ve got ‘em all. I’m not kidding.
Thin White Rope – Lithium
July 20th, 2010
I’ve been scared of ‘killer bees in America’ since reading an article in an early 1970s Reader’s Digest – so don’t worry, even after 30 + years they seem to be confined to Californ – oh wait, you LIVE in – oh, never mind.
Each issue of RD also convinced me that I had every disease known to man. I was a troubled child.
Exploring the Axis is SUCH a great album!
July 20th, 2010
Dear Sir: “Pussy Montana” would invariably stoke the wrong kind of biases from our female contingent, namely misogynistic or sexist character deficiencies attributed to us. We feel that recording artists Nashville Pussy may know the conundrum to which we allude.
But your enjoyment of the name is at least indicative that your internals are functioning properly.
A concession: we would consider “Pussy Montana” only with the addition of a line over the second “n”, characteristic of the Spanish language – thereby rendering the translation “Pussy Mountain”.
The fore-mentioned female demographic would still require an explanation, at which time we would direct them hither.