Vampires, Lotto Winners, Two-Headed Snakes & More!

Image courtesy of AOL News

• Is Colorado the west coast’s Florida when it comes to weird news stories? Because some crazy woman thinks she saw a vampire in the middle of a dirt road just before she crashed her car. Yeah, it sounds to me like the world’s worst excuse for negligent driving. I don’t know if I’m more shocked that someone would be stupid enough to use that as an excuse for wrecking their car, or that a newspaper would actually report on this as if it’s a legitimate news story. Maybe there just isn’t much going on in that neck of Colorado. Maybe the news team at Fox 31 is made up of retards. I don’t know what the reason is for the publication of this story…but…Jesus, America’s love affair with Vampires has really jumped the shark. [story]

• Now here’s a woman who isn’t a moron: she’s won the lottery in Texas four times. What’s more, she’s collected seven figures each time she’s gone to Austin to claim her winnings. That’s amazing. What are the odds of that? I’m really asking, because the article doesn’t bother trying to figure that out. Plus, these were all scratch-off tickets! I always thought those things were a rip off and that there weren’t really any winning tickets, but this girl has purchased four of them, so clearly they actually make winning tickets. Lucky bitch. Can I have a million dollars, please? [story]

• Uh…there’s a guy with a horse’s head roaming the streets of Aberdeen, and he’s appeared — on two separate occasions — on Google Street View. You kind of have to see this article to believe it. It’s a joke, right? Someone doesn’t really go around town always wearing a rubber horse’s head, right? Because that would be future-serial-killer creepy. Someone on YouTube is claiming to be Horse Boy, but who knows if he’s telling the truth or not. Maybe it’s not even a he, maybe it’s a she! Oh, wait, there’s a video of him? Nevermind. I should read these articles more thoroughly before I comment on them. [story]

• Speaking of weird animals…remember last year when I posted a picture of the two-headed turtle I saw at the Museum of Death in Hollywood? Well, Venice Beach now boasts a rival two-headed creature, an albino snake! With two heads! I wonder who would win in a race? I wonder who would live longer? I want one of these guys as a pet. I don’t know, am I alone in thinking that this snake with two heads is…kind of cute? What would you name your two-headed snake? I think I’d name mine Barry and Robin Gibb. [story]

• I’m trying to figure out what I should cook for this 4th of July party I will be attending. I’m definitely going to be making some of my own burger patties for myself and a few select people who are lucky enough to snare one before I run out…but I don’t know if I should use my old family recipe, create a new one of my own, or try my hand at a pre-existing one — like the Bacon Attack. Alas, I don’t own a meat grinder so I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up creating my own. I’ll be sure to photograph it and keep good notes in the event that the thing turns out well and I’m proud enough to write about it. Unless somebody out there knows if Whole Foods will grind different cuts of meat together for me so that I can live without my own grinder. That might change my mind, and I might have to go ahead and try preparing the Bacon Attack. [story]

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