Image courtesy of dogonews.com
Oh God, 2012. It’s happening. Now the big news story the media has latched onto is that a massive solar storm is approaching Earth. The expected due date? Twenty-fuckin’-twelve. Great, now all you paranoid types are going to keep bringing this up every few months for the next two years. And I’m going to have to endure so many conversations about the end of the world and the stupid Maya calendar. It’s going to make me miserable. I couldn’t care less about your fucking Maya calendar. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re not a great prognosticator. I don’t even think the Maya were that good at predicting the future. Did they foresee the Spanish destroying their civilization? Did they? Huh!? Fuck 2012. [story]
The Texas state fair is happening later this month. I won’t be there, but if any of you go you need to try the deep fried beer. Oh man, what I wouldn’t do for some of the insane deep-fried concoctions people in Texas have dreamed up. The fattest state in the country (is that even still true? I thought I heard Mississippi outweighs Texas now), the home of all things gross and extreme, it has to have the best state fair in the country. Am I right? Seriously, if one of you in Texas wants to be my reporter on the scene, and photograph all the horrifying deep-fried edibles at the Texas State Fair, I will PayPal you some money to be my man (or woman, oh my God would that be hot!) on the scene. What say you, Swan Fungus audience? Any takers? Deep fried beer! DEEP FRIED BEER! [story]
Which one of you said New Jersey was a good-for-nothing fuck hole with no depth or character? Was that me? I don’t really remember. Whatever it was, the state of New Jersey now has more than just a famous blogger to crow about, the new World Pokemon Champion is also from New Jersey. So my home state might have birthed two local legends, but only one of them can get pussy. God, I envy that Pokemon champion… [story]
People are always saying how European countries are so “progressive.” That might be, but America is a superpower and none of those nations are. China’s probably going to dethrone America as the world’s most powerful in the near future and they’re pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from “progressive.” So really, European countries aren’t doing much right as far as influencing world events and projecting power. But I have to admit, Switzerland legalizing a sex drive-thru is a pretty bold step. I’m all for it. If you’re going to have legalized prostitution, it makes sense that you designate locations where people can fuck if they want to. In Vegas you have to deal with the embarrassment of bringing a whore back to your hotel room. It could be one from one of those fliers you’re handed on the strip, whom you paid for sex, or it could be one you met a club. Either way they’re whores. In Switzerland you can pull into a sex drive-thru, park your car and receive service. I’m all for it. Let’s convert a parking lot into a sex drive thru here in LA. Like in that episode of Seinfeld…[story]
Good news, Southern California! You’re totally overdue for a gigantic earthquake. You know “the big one” they’re always talking about? The one that’s going to literally break the entire state away from the rest of the country and sink it once and for all? It’s coming. It’s coming very soon. In fact, we’re apparently long overdue. In the same day, the LA Times published two articles about just how overdue we are for a deathly, horrifying earthquake. Don’t even bother trying to estimate the number of casualties. Instead, try to estimate how many of us will survive the disaster. Five? Ten? Who knows. At first scientists thought that insanely massive earthquakes occur every 250-450 years in Southern California. A few hours later they decided it was only every 80 years! To me that says scientists in California need to get on the same page, but it also says “BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.” And afraid I am, and dead I will be, once the big one hits! Call it suicide by laziness. I could move and avoid certain death…but I’ve got a shitty life here! It might even be shittier somewhere else! [story 1 | story 2]
The last time I went to the gym I watched a TV show called Monsters (at least I think that’s what its called). Usually they specialize in shit like Chupacabra or werewolves. The episode I saw focused on killer bees. Ever since that day I’ve had killer bees almost constantly on my mind. Everywhere I go, everything I look at, I think in terms of what could potentially make a home to a swarm of killer bees. It’s starting to affect my life. I used to walk up these stairs behind my apartment when I would return from my morning run. But because the area is a bit secluded and people throw shit like old dressers and garbage cans and shit into the knoll beside the stairs I started wondering how long it would take for a clan of deadly bees to take up residence in one of those containers. Now I walk several hundred yards and a few blocks out of the way to avoid those stairs. In other news, a swarm of 50,000 honeybees trapped a state trooper in his patrol vehicle recently when they fell off a truck carrying 60 boxes of bees. This sounds like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. My biggest nightmare. The only thing worse would be if I was trapped in the car with someone who had a stomach virus. [story]
What is a “hate blogger?” Do I fit the description? It says here in this article from WIRED that a “hate blogger” was convicted of threats after multiple trials and faces a maximum of ten years in prison. Do you think the editors and writers of The Frisky could bring a case against me for calling them fat? What if I call them cunts? Is that hateful? Could I really be thrown in jail for that? Maybe it’s time to reevaluate about whom I choose to blog. [story]
Speaking of The Frisky, dumbfuck Judy McGuire wrote another article called “How to mesh your friends when dating,” because apparently the only way to make a relationship work is to force your friends to like one another. No one ever said the women who write these articles are smart, but I never expected them to become more retarded as time wears on. I mean, seriously, I think they’re becoming retarded. If I were a scientist I’d be fascinated by this phenomenon. Born normal, started writing for The Frisky, turned retarded! What a weird, weird path for one’s life to take. You suck, McGuire! [story]
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