Is Gail Simmons Getting Fat?

August 11, 2010

Whoa. Whoa. Calm down, there, reader. Before you fly off the handle and yell at me for the horrible, rude title of today’s blog entry, hear me out. Every Wednesday for the past several years I have watched traffic spike as hundreds of people Google terms related to Gail Simmons. Other than Gail’s Twitter (@gailsimmons — yes I follow her, no she’s never responded to any of my comments about her) there isn’t a more popular Gail Simmons website on the entire Internet. People flock to Swan Fungus searching for answers about Gail’s tits, her husband, her wedding, pregnancy rumors, and the occasional upskirt photo. As far as I know, she’s never been photographed in such an arousing pose. I have been angered of late by the amount of people who arrive at this website searching for an answer to the question, “Is Gail Simmons getting fat?” How dare they accuse Gail of gaining weight. That is so not cool. I wish I knew who was having these negative feelings about Gail, because I would like to find them and murder them. I would peel their skin off, salt it, and serve it with my variation of the Vietnamese broken-rice dish Com Tam. In other words, fuck the haters.

More and more recently I’ve seen these search referrals. People really think Gail is getting fat. I decided to spend today investigating whether or not this nasty rumor is true. I started by visiting Nate Silver’s Five-Thirty-Eight website. He’s really into numbers and statistics, and I thought maybe I could steal a good method for analyzing Gail’s weight fluctuations (if any) during the current season of Top Chef. On August 8th, Mr. Silver examined a popular theory that Democrats voting in open primaries influenced Republican primaries. Before beginning his research, he cited a couple disclaimers about how it’s hard to test a hypothesis when crucial data is missing. In the case of Gail Simmons gaining weight, it’s hard to determine the accuracy of the hypothesis when we do not know how much Gail weighs. This isn’t Biggest Loser. Bravo! doesn’t weigh Padma, Tom and Gail each week before they judge the chefs’ food. Silver has a good idea for indirectly testing a hypothesis without raw data: compare recent competitive non-presidential statewide Republic primaries to this year’s primary and look for trends.

The plan I formed most-closely connected to Silver’s theory was that I should compare photographs of Gail Simmons from prior seasons of Top Chef to more recent photographs from this season. The difficulty with simply searching Google for images of Gail during different seasons is that the judges’ weights fluctuate incredibly over the course of a single season. Padma herself stated in an interview with TimeOut New York that she gains anywhere from twelve to fifteen pounds over the course of the seven-week taping period. Padma is 5’11” and 39 years old. Gail is between 5’6″ and 5’7″ and 34 years old. I don’t know how that information is at all relevant, but if Gail is four inches shorter than Padma and Padma gains 15 pounds in a season…am I supposed to cross multiply to figure out this equation? I was never very good at math. Padma is 81 inches tall and gains 15 pounds per season, so if Gail is 77 inches tall she should gain…14.25 pounds per season? Is that right? Given Gail’s slightly younger metabolism, I’d say we should round down to 14 pounds. Then again, I don’t have any data to prove that her metabolism is any healthier than Padma’s so…Okay, I’m just going to forget about the numbers and focus on pictures of Gail from each season. The trick is to find one picture from every season of Top Chef at the same episode number. Tonight is the 9th episode of the season, but since it has not aired yet I’ll have to choose an earlier episode. Let’s go with Episode 7. No, better yet, let’s eliminate the season-long weight fluctuations entirely and look at the earliest episode possible. All of the following images are taken from episodes 1 or two from the previous seven seasons of Top Chef. Let’s see how our girl looks…

Wow. The very first shot of Gail Simmons on Top Chef. That's amazing. Speaking of which -- holy shit! Remember Season 1 when "Judge's Table" consisted of all the chefs sitting across from the judges while their food was eaten and critiqued? Unfortunately, this format makes it difficult to gauge Gail's initial body type at the beginning of the series. Her skin looks great. Her rack is covered. I'd say she weighs no more than a buck twenty-five here.

Due to the lack of season one info, I'm going to say there is little to no change in body type between seasons one and two. Padma missed season 1 so who knows how she looked when the show first aired. Definitely worse than Gail, my love. Here she looks thin, she looks good, her rack is on display, and I'd fuck her.

This is from the same episode, but it's a closer-up shot of Gail. You can see her breasts look nice in that dress, and maybe there's a little definition to her tummy? Hard to say, it could just be the way her dress was made. For season two I'd put Gail's weight -- again -- at about 125 pounds. Half of that is breast meat.

First of all, I apologize for the image quality here. There is a lack of early Season 3 video available on the Internet. We have to use Episode 2 for this because Bourdain judged on Episode 1. Gail looks okay here. Her tummy looks a little bigger, but that could be the aspect ratio of the video I was watching.

Here's Gail from the same Season 3 episode at Judge's Table. Look at how tan she is here. Look at those "fuck me" earrings she's wearing. It's a shame she's got that gay blazer on to cover up her rack, because there's nothing finer than a tan Canadian bitch with big tits. Since there isn't any truly compelling evidence to refute the fact that her stomach looked a bit less defined this season, I'll raise Gail's estimated weight to 130 pounds.

Again Bourdain judged Episode 1 this season (or was it Ted Allen?), so we have to use Episode 2 for our example. If I were Wylie Dufresne I would have totally grabbed her ass here. Or just bent Gail over the serving table and fucked her from behind. Not much difference between this shot and the one from Season 3, so she's still probably 130lbs, or +5lbs. between Season 1 Episode 1 and Season 4 Episode 2. Not bad, Gail!

Hmm...maybe her awkward posture here is making the natural hourglass figure of Gail Simmons appear slightly bottom-heavy. I know she's got those great child-bearing hips, but is it just me or do they look wider than before? Do you think her waistline could have increased by an inch? It has been five years, after all, and women tend to widen as they age (the lazy ones, anyway). I shouldn't make excuses for Gail. She's clearly put on some weight here. At least another five pounds. I've got her at 135lbs after 5 seasons of Top Chef, and +10 since the start of the show.

And yet, her face looks skinnier. How odd is that? Look at her cheeks. Is the shape of her half-smile making them appear a bit sunken, or could it be the lighting? Whatever the reason may be, she looks good here. I'd make out with her.

That's the Gail I know and love. Look at that rack! Look at her sticking out her tongue like a little whore. I love it. Maybe she's still 135 here. The arms could use a bit of toning but I'm not going to complain, I'd fuck Gail Simmons tits and mouth and ass no matter what her arms look like.

Uh oh. Loose fitting shirt. Unexposed cleavage. BLACK PANTS. I think Gail might have put another five pounds on between seasons 6 and 7. She's showing all the tell-tale signs of moderate weight gain. But hell, she spends almost a quarter of each year eating amazing food, it's bound to add up over time. So what if she's gained ten or fifteen pounds over the last 7 years. I've gained ten pounds over the last three years! Whether all these photographs are evidence that Gail Simmons is getting fat or not, the one undeniable truth remains the same as ever. I love her and her alien eyes and her amazing tits and no one can take that away from me. Period. ...I'd eat her period.

Hey, enjoy “Restaurant Wars” tonight. Is this the best episode of each season? Probably. Here’s hoping Kenny and Angelo wind up on different teams…

10 comments

  1. Anonymous
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    who gives a shit about gail simmons you yank faggot

  2. |

    you are a sicko.

  3. |

    Post more boobs pics please!

  4. |

    i also think gail is one hot piece of ass. It is obvious she has gained weight, but i bet her ass looks amazing now

  5. |

    I am sorry, but watching this season of “Top Chef, Texas” Gail has put on 20 pounds! She looks huge, Padma looks wonderful, and you can tell she is eating it up and posing and smiling every time the camera is on her. Padma must be so insanely into herself, it must get daunting working with her.

  6. |

    I’m glad some of you are gay and don’t want Gail. I think she’s the hottest thing I’ve seen since Teri Hatcher became (a poor acting dumb) Lois Lane when she was still young and hot. In fact, Gail is kind of like Teri Hatcher, only WAY hotter. “Alien eyes” was point-on. She has eyes the best looking Asian girls would be jealous and short of Aria Giovanni, I’ve seen few racks that make me scream MILK! in the middle of the night out of nowhere. She could cuss at me all day long, flog me like a race horse and I’d still beg for more. Someone that doesn’t care is GAY. This woman defines voluptuous. I’d take her beautiful 30 pound heavier curvy ass any day of the week over some tiny little tush ‘man ass’ that the twiggy super models have. In short, let the woman eat! I’d still do anything to her she commanded me to do including eating her for desert for 8 hours straight and a few dozen orgasms until she was so raw you’d think her name was Sushi.

  7. |

    Gail Simmons is a f*cking cow!!!

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