Sen. Ted Stevens, Death, And Other Hilarious News Stories

• I don’t remember who e-mailed me this video of a pilot escaping from a jet crash in Canada, but it’s worth noting that former Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska wasn’t so lucky when his plane crashed last week. In memory of the late Mr. Stevens, my pub trivia team name on Wednesday night was, “Crash and Burn Like Senator Ted Stevens.” The pub trivia hostess was not amused. I think she called our team “tactless.” So, in the second trivia round, I signed our team name as “Crash, Burn and Leave A Charred Corpse Like Senator Ted Stevens.” At this point she said something under her breath that none of my teammates could discern. Oh well, for the third round I switched our team name to, “Crash And Burn And Leave Nothing Behind To Get Fondled By Some Creepy Morgue Intern Like Senator Ted Stevens.” The “beer round,” where the team with the highest point total in one round receives free beers, consisted of asking the teams to draw their own team logo. Ours did not win, even though it featured a plane crashing in Sarah Palin’s front yard as she exclaimed, “I can see Senator Ted Stevens from here!” Some stupid other team won. For the last two rounds, our team name shifted from “Dear Mrs. Stevens, We Regret To Inform You That Your Husband Ted’s Plane…” to “I Am The Bastard Son Of Former Senator Ted Stevens.” We came in 5th place this week. Not bad. [story]

• By the way, since we’re all pretty much screwed once we die, why not go out in style? I think this is how I want to be buried. Take note, friends and family. [story]

• According to a new study in the Los Angeles Times, one-in-five California residents say that they are in need of mental health care. Of that 20%, nine-out-of-ten are actors. The other tenth of the metal-health-needing population consists of people working menial jobs for shitty pay — like record store employees. [story]

• For you young Swan Fungus readers out there, here’s a list of the eight lowest-paying college majors. If you’re currently attending an institute of higher learning, or looking to do so in the near future, by all means do not select one of the following as your area of concentration: social work, athletic training, recreation and leisure (that means you, cousin Jeffrey from the Park’s Department), “Art” (that one’s kinda vague!), interior design, religious studies, horticulture (unless you’re growing pot), education and culinary arts (unless you’re good enough to win Top Chef). I expected Communications and English to both appear on that list (because that’s what I studied, and I don’t make any money), but apparently people still think that’s a solid combination. You’re not doing your job right, Daily News. [story

• Remember when you were younger and your stupid uncle (who was probably a closet queer) used to joke that if you swallowed a watermelon seed, it would grow inside your stomach? Well, some guy in Brewster, MA went to the doctor and found out he has a plant growing in his lung. At first doctors thought it was a tumor, but it turned out the guy had somehow managed to get a pea seed into his lung, and it split and sprouted. How fucked up is that? I'm never going to eat anything with a seed in it ever again. [story]