Film Review: Hanger

Every once in a while, a movie comes along that redefines what it is to actually watch a movie. The exploitation horror/revenge flick Hanger is the kind of offensive, merit-less filth that literally works to reshape ones idea of a piece of shit. It is not to be watched alone. It is not to be watched with an open mind. It is, for all intents and purposes, not to be watched. Hanger is just there for you to hate, and mock, and pity every single person involved in both the conception and execution of it. Without hesitation, I would call it the stupidest, most pathetic excuse for a movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life. As someone who watches shitty movies for fun, as someone who is filled with glee at the sight of bad acting, bad direction and bad writing, I cannot in any way fathom anything worse than Hanger. I have no desire to ever see it again. The fact that it was made only a year ago actually makes Hanger even worse. Seriously, what fucking retard came up with this?

If you have not heard of Hanger, please allow me to explain it to you. It starts with a pimp performing a coat hanger abortion on one of his whores. Yes, you see the penetration, the secretions, and eventually the removal of the fetus from the vagina via coat hanger. “I’d say it weighs about five ounces,” the pimp says as he drops the fetus on the floor. Later, that fetus is found in the garbage by a homeless guy. He raises the fetus, and when it turns eighteen he tells the kid where he came from. Hanger goes out on his own and finds his real father, who has the worst prosthetic nose in the history of film makeup. Anyway, thus starts the revenge story. I think. It’s kind of hard to tell because I’m willing to bet a very large sum of money that there was no script supervisor anywhere near the set during the grueling 10-day production period.

I dont’ know, maybe some people like 90 minutes of poorly conceived gross-out “jokes.” Maybe they don’t even mind when the special effects suck so the allure of watching really, really vile shit is utterly destroyed. I don’t know, maybe in some far off alternate universe there is another me who really likes the idea of one guy drugging another guy, not to anally rape him, but in order to fuck his colostomy hole. In this reality, in this universe, I think that’s retarded. The writer and director might think that his film reaches the true depths of human depravity, but it doesn’t. He might have been better served by saying that it reaches the depths of shitty filmmaking. Aside from the fact that there’s no story, your actors aren’t even talented enough to act in porn, and your makeup and effects suck. At least put some effort into actually shooting the thing. There shouldn’t be random extras or production assistants finding their ways into shots at inopportune moments. I don’t know about you, but it kind of kills the mood when you’re trying to play off the whole “I’m looking in the bathroom mirror and then I got to reposition the mirror and OH MY GOD THERE’S THE BAD GUY!” when you’re also seeing a random girl sitting behind the bad guy doing absolutely nothing. Just sitting there. Totally in the shot. Not supposed to be there. You made this movie last year, in 2009, it’s not like you couldn’t edit her out of the shot.

Okay, so maybe the look is supposed to mimic or pay homage to the old grindhouse films of the ’60s and ’70s. Well, then if you’re going to take the stance that it’s supposed to look like shit and the actors are supposed to suck, can’t you at least try to make the story not suck? I mean, you’re hailing this crap as a revenge story, but it doesn’t really include a revenge story. Hanger is just kind of along for the ride, watching a bunch of crazy shit unfold around him that never really brings him closer to resolving the whole “I’ve got to kill the guy who tried to kill me!” story. The supporting characters are just there to perform gross-out stunts. And I can understand gore — believe me I have no problem with it — but if you’re going for over-the-top campy gore, you have to follow through on the joke. Shitty writing just makes your dumb film even more woeful.

There is nothing redeeming about Hanger. There’s a terribly portrayed retarded Asian kid with a fetish for mixing bloody tampons into his tea, but there’s nothing positive I can say about the film. Everything about it sucks, and I mean that in a way that I’ve never meant it before in any of my reviews of amazing bad movies. Hanger is not a bad movie. It’s the worst movie. I’ve changed my mind, you don’t have to watch it. I don’t want you to watch it. I don’t want to give the people who made this the satisfaction of knowing they conned another Netflix Insta-view out of some poor shit. I imagine there is an audience out there for a movie like Hanger. I imagine that audience is comprised mostly of people with sub-intelligent IQs. Dull people. Feeble-minded people. The types of people who would make a movie like Hanger.

Seriously. Don’t watch this movie.

Some choice IMDB plot keywords for Hanger include: back alley abortion, non-statutory female on male rape, rape threat, cannibalism, male rape, pregnant sex, forced abortion, anal rape, pregnant woman beaten, disembowelment, sodomy, disfigurement, lactation, breast mutilation, disembodiment, head crushing and diaper.