Freaky Eaters, Snail Sex, The World’s Oldest Beer & More!

• Remember a few months ago I was contacted by a casting agent and asked to submit an application to appear on a reality television program about picky eaters? Well, the show has apparently started airing, and I was never selected to be a part of the show. It’s called “Freaky Eaters” and…thank God I dodged that bullet. CNN ran an article reviewing the show today. Apparently it’s about people who literally only eat one food. Like, a woman who eats french fries at every meal, or a guy who only eats cheeseburgers. My “picky” diet was described as bagels, diet soda and some combination of pizza or burger. Apparently my palette is far too evolved for the producers of “Freaky Eaters” to cast me. They were looking to follow around people with severe psychological problems. I could have given them psychological problems, but they wouldn’t have been that extreme. Has anyone seen this show? I haven’t. It’s on TLC or something. Maybe I’ll have Nicci set her DVR to record it, and then I’ll write about it. That probably won’t happen. I’ll forget it about in a day or two. [story]

• The sex lives of snails have always interested me. No, that’s not true. But the article in WIRED that mentions how female snails have learned to emit a scent that mimics male snails made me say “Huh.” aloud, so I read a bit further. So not only do the females choose their guy smell to repel men, but now male snails are chasing around other dudes because they all smell the same! What a confusing sex life. I think I experienced something like that in high school once. I was really jonesing for this girl’s pussy, but the closer I got after a few makeout sessions the more I started to notice that she smelled funny when she got all hot and worked up and sweaty. Before long I realized I wasn’t even attracted to her anymore. But in my 16 or 17 year old mind I was like, “Evan, she has a vagina! Why aren’t you attracted to her!?” And that was the first time I questioned my sexuality. *The more you know!* [story]

• Speaking of totally crazy animal behaviors and weird evolutionary shit, apparently there’s a kind of lizard that’s on the verge of making the switch from egg-laying to live births. What the fuck!? How the hell does that even happen. It’d be like human women going from live births to laying eggs! That’s insane! Think about it! EGGS! We could pasteurize and eat our offspring! That’s so fucked up. [story]

• “Salvage divers have recovered what they believe to be the world’s oldest beer.” The brews — a small number of bottles — were found somewhere in the Baltic Sea. The minute this article ran, I started a countdown until the moment Dogfish Head announces they’ve cloned the recipe and will be reproducing the beer. Talk about an ancient ale. Whatever-the-fuck they choose to call this world’s oldest beer, it will look good in a Dogfish Head bottle. Did anyone out there get to try Theobroma? That’s the one which is over 3000 years old that was based on some kind of film or dirt that was discovered in Honduras. It’s a chocolate beer too. How does a guy like me get my hands on that? While on the topic of Dogfish Head, what’s up with this Bitches Brew beer? It’s $27 a bottle? Is it really that good? I’m tempted to buy one, but…$27? [story]

• When I was a child, my mother got me a goldfish for my birthday. I called him Rambo. He lived way too long for a goldfish. He wasn’t as old as the guppies I got in first grade that survived until middle school, but he had an usually long life for a goldfish. My mom likes to tell me that when Rambo died, I requested a family funeral in the bathroom, where I delivered a eulogy before flushing the fish down the toilet. I think, in my speech, I might have mentioned that I didn’t really think Rambo was dead. Now, over twenty years later, I’m reading this story about a fisherman who caught a thirty pound goldfish in France. I think the fish kind of looks like Rambo. [story]

• Twelve patients with terminal cancer were given psilocybin under therapeutic supervision and supposedly it made them feel less anxious within one-to-three months of ingestion. How odd. In a related story, a bunch of my friends took mushrooms last weekend and I got to listen to them have the most cliched, embarrassing quasi-trip conversation ever. Two of them were talking about family functions, but they were saying shit like, “It’s like…when everyone gets together, the entire fabric of our family’s existence just rips apart. You can totally see everyone’s essence.” I was laughing at them heartily. Stupid hippies. [story]

• Why the fuck do stupid “indie” kids still get excited when their favorite defunct bands decide to reform? The Dismemberment Plan broke up what, five or six years ago? And then they played together a couple times within the last three years. So why is the fact that they’re playing together a couple times next year supposed to be a big deal? Doesn’t anyone remember that…they weren’t that good? What’s next, a Strokes reunion? A Pretty Girls Make Graves reunion? Yawn. Call me when Unwound gets back together. [story]