Folks, last night I found myself in a precarious situation. No, I was not caught drinking and driving. I was not accused of lying to my girlfriend. I, Evan LeVine, actually found myself having to defend Gail Simmons — The Most Beautiful Woman In Televisionâ„¢ — from an army (two people) of detractors. These “haters” had the gall to state that Padma Lakshmi has a better rack than the future Mrs. Evan LeVine (that’d be Gail Simmons). “Fools!” I cried. “Just because she’s got ‘mommy tits’ doesn’t mean she has a better chest, they just look more pronounced because she shit out a kid.” I believe the word “bullshit” was bandied about, even though everybody knows the female body undergoes physiologic changes during and following pregnancy, including — but not exclusive to — the size of a chick’s udders.
Last night’s episode of Top Chef wasn’t exactly the most fair fight between the show’s host and it’s judge. Padma wore some skimpy low-cut top and Gail played it more conservative. In fact, she’s played it very conservative this season, probably as a direct result of my website. The problem with declaring Padma’s tits’ authority over Gail’s based on one episode is just that: it only takes into account one half of one episode. You might remember (or you might not) last season’s finale part one, in which Gail Simmons wore an unbeatable, low-cut top and Padma dressed more conservatively. I believe I blogged about it. To repeat, maybe this year Gail just wanted to cover her beauties for a change. Or maybe she’s read my countless references to her body and decided never to reveal her tits again on TV. Maybe her parents called her and told her to dress a little nicer. Whatever the reason may be, she didn’t show off her cans last night. Just because Padma did doesn’t mean she’s got the best tits on the show.
Gail Simmons has more grace than Padma. Grace is completely unrelated to tits, of course, but for me it’s an important factor in determining who I’d rather fuck. I’m much more likely to want to slip my dick into Gail than I am Padma for two reasons. Number one, Gail has never felt the need to use her body to further her career. Padma has repeatedly done this with sexy magazine spreads and sexy Carl’s Jr. advertisements. And we all know how I feel about Carl’s Jr.. You will (hopefully) never see Gail Simmons naked covering her lady bits like Padma (NSFW!). Gail likes to leave that shit to the imagination. She tortures her male audience — myself especially — by forcing us to wonder what she’s concealing beneath those stunning dresses she wears on the show. Does she shave? Is she bushed? Do her labia minora protrude out of the labia majora or are they concave? Are they freakishly asymmetrical? How sensitive is her clitoral glans? So many questions about Gail’s vagina, so few answers. And that, my friends, is why Gail is a more graceful — and yes, more attractive — woman than Padma Lakshmi. Pussy is quite obviously completely unrelated to boobs, but both are hot and therefore related to general physical attractiveness. Grace is related to looks in the sense that a woman’s elegance or her movements can shape one’s opinion of her, so it’s worth noting. Still, all those questions about Gail’s pussy…I’m really sorry for that tangent.
And the number two reason why Gail’s tits are better than Padma’s is that Gail’s tits aren’t unfairly strengthened by the presence of milk! Padma gave birth to her kid in late February, and this season of Top Chef started filming in April meant that she was, like, two months from being massively swollen. Her body is all out of whack this season! Who else does that kid belong to, anyway? I know she’s not dating Salman Rushdie anymore. The New York Times says it’s the venture capitalist brother of Michael Dell. I know the idea of a hot chick liking it raw can be a turn-on, but not when she’s getting dug out by David Spade. No thanks. I don’t want that dude’s sloppy anythings.
But the real clincher in this argument, the final nail in the coffin that will forever seal the dead and festering corpse of this Padma Lakshmi versus Gail Simmons breast-off, can be easily proven by performing a simple Google search. Open up Google in your web browser and start typing in the name Padma Lakshmi. Look at the suggested results that appear as you type. Once you have typed “Padma L” (without quotes) the results are: scar, david spade, pregnant, baby daddy, jewelry, implants, scar story, high school, and finally breasts. Now do the same for Gail Simmons. Once you have typed “Gail Simm” (without quotes) the results are: breasts, pregnant, wedding, husband, weight, baby, twitter, cleavage, eat pray love. The first fucking result is “breasts!” Sure, each woman had two suggested search terms that were titty-related, but one of Padma’s is “implants,” which I think is a pejorative thing when judging a girl’s breasts. Gail’s natural tits both arouse no suspicion, and are her most-frequently Googled attribute! Food & Wine magazine and Top Chef don’t even come close to Gail’s chest. Need I say more? I won’t say more. I can’t say more. Nicci might kill me if I spend any more time blogging about another woman’s fun bags.
The world has heard our call and has answered the question up for debate for us: Gail Simmons has better breasts than Padma Lakshmi.