The Frisky, The King Of Kong, Mogwai, Germaphobia & More!

• Oh. My. God. My favorite shitty journalist Amelia McWhat’s-her-twat from The Frisky published an article on her dumb online women’s rag this week about how she lost her virginity. Jackpot! Apparently then-22-year-old Amelia was a late bloomer. She almost made it all the way through college without getting dug out. Confusingly, she states in her preamble that the guy had sex with her “without [her] permission,” but in the decade-old diary excerpt she cites there is no mention of forbidden penis-in-vagina. She makes it sound like it was all fun and games. Not at all like a possible rape. Anyway, it’s all kind of nauseating. The smug editoress of The Frisky…having sex. Just the idea of the barnyard funk of her unkempt cunt. It’s enough to make a man puke. Trust me, I don’t pity either of the two other people she claims to have had sex with on her “sex bender” during that fateful senior year of college. Two people? Her “Deary Diary” totally would have benefited from testimonials from the one night stand or her “first love.” Having those guys call Amelia the worst lay of their life would have been the perfect coup de grâce for such a harrowing tale of personal (and physical) discovery. Amelia, sweetie, call me when you learn how to take a cock. [story]

• Swan Fungus wishes to extend a hearty congratulations to the new “King of Kong”, Steve Wiebe. You might remember him as the former world record holder on the classic arcade game Donkey Kong. They made a documentary about it. You might have seen it. Anyway, at the end of the film Wiebe achieves the world record. What isn’t shown is that before it reached theaters, someone else set the world record. And after that, someone stripped him of the championship. So it’s been a few years, but now Wiebe is the champ again. Good job, guy! [story]

• In a video that reminds me an old Futurama episode (free Swan Fungus shirt for the first person to submit the name of the episode in the comments section!), someone has created spray-on clothes. More exciting than that, the video attached to the article contains free boobies! [story]

• I don’t play video games anymore — unless you count Mario Kart, which I see as a way of life, not a “game” — but I know a lot of people who do. I’m sure they will be happy to read that first-person shooter games are actually good for you! Science has somewhat proven it. A study published in the journal Current Biology states that these games cause “heightened sensitivity,” increased multitasking ability and even reading fine print! Also, you’ll be better at following a friend in a crowd? What kind of life skill is that? Sounds retarded to me. [story]

• When I saw the headline, “‘Lost’ language discovered on back of letter,” I thought maybe some intrepid LOST fan had cracked the hieroglyphic codes appearing in many episodes of the greatest television program ever. Sadly, I clicked through to read the article and it turned out to be about some civilization from northern Peru. Boo. [story]

• I don’t know about this survey, but I know for a fact that I wash my hands 100% of the time. No, I probably wash my hands 200% of the time. A recent study shows that 85% of adults wash their hands in public restrooms. 93% of women and 77% of men. Not only do I wash my hands in public restrooms, but I wash my hands probably 30 times a day at different times, because I’m so afraid of germs. Call it OCD if you want, but I just call it keeping clean and healthy. [story]

• Mogwai have signed deal with Sub Pop to release their records in North America. In other news, two other entities that haven’t been relevant in a decade also joined forces. And nobody cared about that, either. [story]