Lists, Drunk Driving, Burgers, Bedbugs, Marijuana, Chilies and Opera

This week was a big one for lists across the Internet. I guess now that our calendars have all been flipped from September to October people are beginning to realize that the year is coming to an end. What better way to write something that will impact readers more than creating copious lists. Rank everything! I might have started this trend five years ago with my weekly top ten lists, but I finally feel now as if the rest of the Internet has caught up to Swan Fungus. Hey, guys, I’m really glad I could meet you all here at this moment in time. But be prepared, I’m going to break into a sprint soon and you’ll have to catch up to me again. Be prepared.

• A little website I make it my business to read everyday, Insurance.com, has published its list of the American cities with the most drunk drivers. If you’d asked me to predict the top five cities based on my own personal experiences, I would have come up with the following: Los Angeles, Austin, New York, Boulder and Madison. LA has the worst public transportation system imaginable so everybody drives drunk. Austin I think has more bars than people, New York gets all the bridge-and-tunnel crowd, and the other two cities are big college towns with no public transport that I know of. Anyway, I’d be wrong. LA is actually number 7 on the list, Austin is number 9, New York is number 17, and the other two cities aren’t on the list. At least I got the order right. As far as my own experiences go, I’ve driven drunk in 8 (San Diego, LA, San Francisco, Austin, Dallas, Philadelphia, New York and Chicago) of those 20 cities. Maybe I should have used personal experiences to predict the ranked cities rather than guessing “What city has a big college and bad public transport?” Trying to be smart has never worked out well for me. [story]

• The other big list published this week comes from the ultra-partisan, jingoistic, littered with hate-speech newspaper we all loathe, USA Today. Those sicko fucks ranked 51 great burger joints in America. I’ve consumed exactly two of them. Farmhouse Tap & Grill in Burlington didn’t arrive until after I’d stopped living there. To make matters worse, that burger joint took the place of the best McDonalds in the world — the one that delivered to my dorm room! Still, I return to Burlington frequently enough that I’m sure I’ll try it in the near future. Where the hell is La Barge, Wyoming? I’ve driven all through Wyoming and I’ve never heard of that town. Why couldn’t they pick something in Sheridan or Cody or something. Hell, I bet Gretchen could name a great burger joint in Gillette that’s more worthy than this Moondance Diner place that made the list. In fact, I might make my own list of America’s 51 best burger joints, and I’ve only visited 39 states. [story]

• Another article published this week that is close to my heart comes from a small, low-budget, start-up rag which calls itself The New York Times. It’s about how we derive pain and pleasure from eating chilies. I’d forgotten that the big chili harvest in New Mexico occurred around this time of year. I should have remembered, because my cousin William used to tell me about it all the time when I’d visit him in Tucson. He and his family drive to this little remote place in New Mexico every summer to buy green chilies, which they store and use for the rest of the year on their hamburgers. I always thought his burger recipe was the best of anyone else in my family. I’ll never forget the first one I consumed with a beautiful green chili on it. Delicious. Anyway, this article is all science-y and stuff, relating why we like chilies through weird shit I can’t understand because I’m not borderline retarded. Still, I like the pictures and the video of people eating different chilies. I was so happy when the gastroenterologist told me I didn’t have an ulcer, I went out and got the spiciest, chili-est lunch I could find. [story]

• It should come as no surprise to many of you that I am a daily Howard Stern listener, and have caught almost every show on both terrestrial and satellite radio since 7th grade. This little fact might serve to explain my respect for those who are brutally honest at all times, my disrespect for most women, and my near-constant stream of sick and perverted thoughts. I’d heard an episode recently that mentioned bedbugs in the Sirius studio, but my friend Hornet Montana — who used to work at Sirius — sent in this article detailing the crazy bedbug drama. [story]

• Mr. H. Montana also sent me an article detailing how California’s governor has decriminalized pot. “Those caught with less than an ounce of marijuana will still receive a maximum penalty of $100. However, Senate Bill 1449 reduces the legal categorization of marijuana possession from a misdemeanor to a civil infraction. This means that those caught will not have to appear in court, pay court fees or receive a criminal record.” This would excite me a lot more if I still smoked pot, but I don’t, so it doesn’t. Good effort, Montana, but you couldn’t have known that I’ve given up the green stuff. We don’t get to hang out as much anymore. By the way, you can have my old bong if you want. It’s just…sitting there…probably still growing mold because the water hasn’t been changed in four years. No wonder I used to get such insane highs when I smoked with that thing. [story]

• I’ve always thought Ian was a bit of a…you know…one of those guys who likes other guys to finger his butt…what do you call those? Anyway, he sent me an article this week about how cool opera is. I guess I could enjoy opera if I was getting a blowjob or something, but in absence of that there would need to be a lot more blood, tits, and vulgarity in order to keep my interest. [story]