Bono’s Broadway Blunder Continues

Hmm…why isn’t there any singing in that television commercial? BECAUSE IT’S NOT GOOD.

Reports are beginning to trickle in from various news sources and websites regarding the previews for the Spider-Man Broadway musical. The only reason I care about this at all is because I hate Bono with a passion, and I want him to fail miserably at everything he does. Stupid Bono. I told you all two years ago that “Everyone Bono Touches Turns To Turds”. Since then, construction halted on the U2 Tower in Ireland, and made more horrible investments than pretty much anyone else in America. Now publications both printed and electronically delivered are reporting that the musical featuring songs composed by Bono is an “epic flop.” Oh thank the fucking lord. I needed something to smile about today.

The New York Post’s Michael Riedel wrote this morning, “the $65 million show’s high-tech gadgetry went completely awry amid a dull score and baffling script…Stunned audience members were left scratching their heads over the confusing plot — when they weren’t ducking for cover from falling equipment and dangling actors at the Foxwoods Theatre on West 42nd Street.” Please tell me more about how shitty the music was, disappointed theatergoers!

“The music by Bono is also really disappointing. It couldn’t be more glib and glum and the tempos are too slow. Way too many brooding ballads for a superhero musical. The few uptempo songs feel improvised at best and the lyrics in almost every song are very weak…so much for buying the score.” So says a reviewer at Talkin’ Broadway, a website I’d never heard of until this morning but now love and respect. I don’t even know if it’s a known Broadway review website, but as long as they hate on Bono, I’m going to appreciate it. I love how the show has some major problems, like the book, the story, and the score. Oh, is that all? Good thing Broadway musicals live and die based on special effects and costumes. People love paying anywhere from $150 to $300 to see costumes and crazy sets. Fuck the story and the music! That’s not important at all. Not on Broadway.

One commenter chiming in on Gawker’s mention of the embarrassing preview stated that Spiderman is so bad it’s actually worse than the infamous Broadway flop Carrie: “[That] was far better, because IT at least had an interesting story. The technical failures really didn’t bother me as much as the unintelligible score and horrific, confusing story did. Honestly the second act is a COMPLETE MESS. I’m not sure if it was all a dream, or what. It’s absolutely ridiculous, though. And you honestly can’t understand a single word they are singing, it just becomes guitar riffs and mumbles. It’s not only an epic disaster, it is by far the WORST thing I have ever witnessed on stage.”

That’s all well in good, because I love the idea of a Bono project failing miserably, but it doesn’t really rip Bono a new asshole for his contribution to the “mess.” The folks at io9 have a slightly more favorable review (they’re tech nerds, after all, so of course they’d like the zany sets and special effects), but there are some subtle jabs at the music I can enjoy. “A bunch of songs that sound vaguely like ‘Elevation’” is worth a chuckle. The only thing worse than hearing something described as modern U2 is the possibility of being forced into listening to modern U2. The article also mentions that Bono made suggestions for how characters should be created. Ha! Bono, you’re such a piece of shit.

By the way, what does “Turn Off The Dark” mean? The play is called Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark. What the the hell does that mean!?

The New York Times chimed in, stating that “some Broadway producers said in interviews over the weekend and on Monday that the [Foxwoods Theatre] was sending signals that the show might not be around that long.” Ouch. The show with the sixty-five million dollar budget and operational costs of over a million dollars a week is suddenly generating buzz that its own theater might be preparing for a short run. Awesome.

Stupid Bono. All he does is travel the world pretending he’s improving life around the world with his failed humanitarian efforts, failed investments, shitty music and now a potentially-failing Broadway musical. The short little shrimp is so self-absorbed he doesn’t even care that he’s not improving anything for anyone. And I for one couldn’t be happier. In fact, I hope he keeps attempting stupid stunts like this, because it gives me something to look forward to. Bono, you are a jackass.

I heard a funny story about Bono recently too, from someone who used to work as a crew member here in LA assembling stages and sound systems at huge concerts in the ’80s. This guy was put up at a hotel before a big U2 show once and he found himself at one point in an elevator with The Edge and Bono. Bono was making out with this fat, disgusting, dreadlocked woman. Bono and the woman were groping each other, rubbing each other’s genitals and making people uncomfortable. Even The Edge was just staring straight ahead, pretending not to notice. So when the elevator came to the stop, the guy turned to Bono and said, “You’re a sick piece of shit, you know that?” And little punk Bono puffed up his chest and started walking towards the guy as if he was going to hit him. So the guy gestured towards the hammer that was on his utility belt, and Bono backed off. That’s about it. I just love the fact that Bono was making out and dry-humping a hideous, fat woman.

Bono! Sucks!