Hi, kids. I’m Evan, a newly published women’s magazine writer. No, there are no typos in that last sentence. This morning an article I wrote for The Frisky was posted to their website. They’re sending me a contract in the mail so I can get paid, which is nice, and depending on the response to the piece I may or may not be asked to write more for their website. The article is called The Definitive Guide To Getting Over A Breakup, and it’s based loosely off some lists I’ve posted here in the past.
So far the response has been split between “he’s a racist, sexist creep” and “I like it, it’s honest and realistic.” I’d say it’s probably 65/35 in favor of the former, but at least some people are defending me. No one seems to care whether or not it’s well-written, just that I made fun of some girls I dated in the past and called one of them “too Jewish,” which two or three readers took offense to. If you’re going there expecting me to call them all cunts and liberally use the word “fuck” throughout my guide you’ll probably be disappointed. I wanted to introduce myself to The Frisky’s audience to a slightly toned-down version of me. Feel free to defend me in the comments section if you want, just don’t act like assholes. Just because someone reads The Frisky doesn’t mean we should insult them. We can wink and smile and look down on them a little bit, maybe, but they’ve got feelings like the rest of us.
Over time, hopefully, their readers will come to understand my somewhat-warped worldview and accept me for the bold, honest, unorthodox, needlessly-vulgar writer I am. And then, right when they’ve accepted me as one of their own…I don’t know, maybe I’ll use the c-word. Why not? A word is only as harmful as the amount of power you give it.
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I received my first invitation to the Magic Castle this week (via Nicci). It was pretty exciting getting into that place, if only because they filmed a Top Chef finally there once and I might have taken a step exactly where Gail Simmons once took a step. One of Nicci’s friends took part in a tribute to Gilbert and Sullivan downstairs, so we sat and ate (food = “meh”) and watched the singers sing. Personally, I was a bit distracted by all the vibrato. It is possible to sing well without so much vibrato, right?
The magic show we saw was phenomenal. I spent the whole time watching the magician’s hands. He was doing a lot of tricks with rope, coins, and rubber balls. At times I could tell what he was doing to create the illusion of making things disappear and reappear, I just couldn’t see him doing t. There were definitely a couple tricks that took me by complete surprise. That was the highlight of the evening. Invisible Irma, the “ghost” piano player took some requests from us, including “My Blue Heaven,” Billy Joel, and Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” The latter song inspired some fellow Magic Castle visitors to sing together.
All in all, it was a unique, fun night. I look forward to going back. Maybe one of those magicians can fool Gail Simmons into accepting my advances from 3,000 miles away. Or maybe through ESP or whatever they can convince her not to file a restraining order against me.
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I was going to conclude with a short blurb about the Top Chef: Just Desserts finale, and how terrible Gail looked all season long (not to mention how terrible that show is), but the power has gone out and I have to leave for softball soon so I might as well just wrap things up here and save my Gail-bashing for another time. Seriously, did she have to dress like such a conservative dork in every episode? She didn’t show off her tits even once. Then again, I wasn’t watching all that closely because the program itself was dreadful. Not as bad as The Event, but borderline unwatchable. Speaking of which, you still haven’t signed my petition to have The Event canceled. Tom, Nate, Nicci and I watched this week’s episode last night over some beers and we all agreed that this was by far the worst the acting has ever been on the show. If you don’t sign the petition for me, please do it for future generations of actors who might be watching the show and are receiving negative reinforcement from the atrocious cast. I can’t believe there are still 14 episodes left in this dreadful, terrible season. I won’t have to watch them all, right?
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