What’s An “Emotional Cripple?”

This morning, The Frisky posted an article called, “The Ten Types Of Emotional Cripples.” Authors Ami Auchwitz and Amelia McDick-Party (it takes two Frisky morons to write one article now?) think we all have issues, but women are — wait for it — better than men at dealing with these “emotional obstacles.” Ha! That’s funny. Because when I think about “emotions” I think only of women, and when I think about “working through emotional problems” I think about a woman’s lack of rationality or logic, and I wonder…wait a minute — this is the first paragraph of the article! Why the hell am I already so angry at these bitches?

The point of the article, I guess, is to discuss ten different kinds of emotionally crippled men. Because, I guess, only men are emotionally crippled? The whole idea of this article is laughable because men — real men, not the homos you see on TV and in movies — rarely show any emotion at all. Describing a man as emotional in any way is not just inaccurate, it’s deceitful! Men aren’t emotional. I guess some of the softer lads out there could be “crippled,” but that’s their fault. Women are emotional. Women have the obvious deficiencies that can be spotted right away. Women are stuck in these “emotional wheelchairs” about which Auschwitz and McDick-Party write. Need I elaborate? You already know I’m going to.

Ha. Amelia walks with a crook in her step. I knew that whore liked it in the butt.

The first type of emotional cripple described in the article is The Addict: someone who is looking for a love high. Sounds to me like every woman walking the face of the earth. To men, love is “meh.” It happens, you know? Women are the ones who write stories about their perfect wedding and plan prom night sex on their first day of high school. Sounds to me like they’re the ones who are more into a feeling or a thrill.

I love the description of the Mama’s Boy. In essence, Amelia and Ami have deduced that a Mama’s Boy wants “someone who is exactly like his mother or exactly the opposite.” Brilliant! You girls sure do posses great insight into the male mind!

Okay, so if I fit any type outlined by this article, I am the Flounderer. I am unhappy in my current job and don’t think it is what I should be doing with my life. But I’m not looking for someone to motivate me or stroke my ego. I’m looking for someone who will grant me the time and the freedom to do what I can do to advance. I’m looking for someone who is hands-off. Basically I’m…um…well, by the sounds of it I guess I’m not looking for a relationship.

…Because I’m already in one! Right? Heh…Heh…Right Nicci?

Fuck. This one’s gonna be tough to explain away.

Amelia, don’t lie. Now that we’ve spoken a few times, your description of The Insecure Narcissist is based entirely on your perception of me. I expect a comment confirming or denying this.

These are so boring…trivial…stereotypical. I could come up with ten basic types of women who have baggage. Let’s see…there’s the crazy cat lady who fills the void in her life with cats — but she’s just looking for more cats, or a guy who can accept all her cats — or there’s the insecure slut (oh wait, that’s all of ‘em). I guess there are really only two types of women. Simple creatures, really…women. They’re all insecure, and they’re all sluts. Except for the Christian ones. They’re the really crazy ones.

Friday Top Ten: The Ten Types of Emotionally Crippled Women. Look forward to it. It’s coming. Ami Auschwitz, Amelia McDick-Party…smell you later, crazies ladies.