• Ever the sillybilly, Hornet Montana sent the following story to my attention this week: “Mercury ‘turns’ wetland birds such as ibises homosexual.” I think it was a statement about the shape of Swan Fungus as 2010 draws to a close. Maybe Hornet just thought it was a silly headline. Either way, I didn’t really read the article. I wonder if the Mercury in question is the chemical element or the planet. You know how in astrology planets in different alignments can affect someone’s behavior? I don’t know much about astrology but I know “when Mercury is in retrograde” is a popular phrase. Maybe it makes people gay? Hornet! Help us out here! Do planets make people gay!? [story]
• Ugh. Bees. I hate ‘em. Good thing a few million of them died after two colonies fought over a home in South Florida. I think if I woke up and my house was surrounded by bees I’d just shoot myself in the head or slit my wrists. There’s no way I could rationally approach the situation. I wouldn’t call an exterminator. I wouldn’t call the police. I’d just kill myself. I’m too lazy and too scared of bees to think rationally in a situation like that. [story]
• Movies. They make you laugh. They make you cry. Sometimes they put you to sleep. Most of the time this is not intentional. UNTIL NOW. Meet Sondra Lowell. Or don’t. Either way, the film director has coined a new genre of film called “film sleepy” which is actually designed to put viewers to sleep.How does she do it? The first film is called WebcamMurder.com and consists of images of people sitting in front of webcams all day long trying to uncover how one makes another person interested in watching their lives. Sounds boring, right? It’s totally intentional! The other movie is called Sublime Crime: A Subliminal Mystery, and it’s supposed to be the first entirely subliminal mystery ever filmed. Sounds totally boring. Boring enough to put me to sleep? I don’t care enough to find out. [story]
• In Los Angeles auction news, someone is selling the coffin Lee Harvey Oswald was buried in, and the opening bid is $1,000. That’s only $200 more than I bid on a DHARMA Initiative jumpsuit at the LOST auction. I like Oswald. I read Libra. I watched JFK about fifty times. Maybe I should bid and see what happens. Worst case scenario, if I buy the coffin at least I have somewhere to hide in the event of a million-bee battle in my home. [story]
• In big science news, scientists have achieved partial reversal of aging in mice. You know what that means, right? Eternal life is just around the corner. Too bad we won’t be able to experience it in our lives, but our children will probably be able to live until the age of 200 or 300. I don’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing to live that long. I’d probably get really bored, and — well, if they can cure AIDS it wouldn’t be so bad. If we aged more slowly, or could de-age ourselves and go back to being young whenever we wanted, I guess we could fuck a lot more. Another hundred years to fuck a lot would be pretty sweet. Hmm…now I’m thinking maybe I don’t want to have kids, because why should they get to live amazing lives if I’m just going to grow old and die without having half the fun they’ll have? Fuck those unborn, self-centered assholes. They don’t deserve to know the joys of age reversal. [story]
• Great news, people! Friend of Swan Fungus and All-Around Great Guy Paul Levinson is having his record re-issued! Since we all can’t afford original copies of the privately-pressed, cult-classic folk record Twice Upon A Rhyme, now we can own a legitimate copy at a fraction of the price! The Sound of Salvation label is re-releasing Twice Upon A Rhyme on Tuesday December 6th. The limited edition (250 hand numbered copies!) remastered monaural album includes original artwork and is pressed on gorgeous heavyweight virgin vinyl. Get one before it’s too late: Whiplash Records will be selling them on eBay as of Sunday night (tomorrow night). Congrats, Paul. Swan Fungus loves you. [story]
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