Help Me Buy My Mother A Birthday Gift

My mom turns…uh…40 on Sunday. No, just kidding. That’s a lie. She’s way older than that. She’ll celebrate her 64th birthday on December 12th. I need to get her a gift. I already dropped twenty bucks on a sweet piece of jewelry (I can’t tell you what it is just yet because she might read this page). But $20 doesn’t seem like enough money for an amazing kick-ass gift. So as a Hanukkah bonus I also signed her up to receive an application for adopting a Moldovan child. I not only gave the agency her home address and telephone number, but I provided them with both of her e-mail addresses. What’s more, because I wasn’t sure she’d only want a Moldovan child, I requested information packets and applications from a half-dozen other adoption agencies who specialize in giving away children from The Gambia, Zimbabwe, Senegal, Cambodia, Thailand and Uzbekistan. I suggested (for her) that maybe she would like to adopt up to three children, and that it was okay if the children had “minor” medical conditions. From the list I was given, I requested for mom children with Ambiguous Genitalia, Apraxia of Speech and Muteness, Dwarfism (my sister would love that kid!), Lazy Eye, Lead Exposure and Port Wine Stains. I think mom’s still strong enough to love a child in spite of those differences. Just in case she didn’t want a 0-2 year old I submitted all the forms a second time in the event that maybe she’d prefer a 4-6 year old. I hope that means double the e-mails and double the at-home mailings…

Mom works really hard at her teaching job and she always complains about wanting to relax when she’s home from school. I know she likes to read a lot, so in the comments field on each application I requested even more materials to be mailed to her home address. If she likes books, I think she will love reading about how retarded children in Eastern Europe are in need of help from caring divorcees in America. If she doesn’t have the money to spend on an adoption, I thought about gifting mom the an orphaned child who I would pay $28/mo. for her to sponsor, but if $20 is too cheap for a birthday gift $360 feels a tad bit excessive. It’s too bad, there was this awesome 4-year-old from Tanzania that she would have loved. He’s named Pande. Kind of like the bear, but not quite. The best part is, he has the same birthday as me! So she’ll never forget to send him extra money! Pande’s favorite activity is “toys” and he doesn’t have any chores because he’s too young to help. Also, he’s in satisfactory health, so the $35/mo. sponsorship fee shouldn’t go to waste too quickly.

I don’t know, maybe these aren’t the best gift ideas. I think I need help finding something super awesome for her. Something…tangible. You know? An orphaned child is more like a satellite radio subscription. You just kind of send someone money and you’re not really sure why. Adoption could take years. I want mom to wake up on her birthday to something awesome that she can enjoy in the physical world, not just on paper or via e-mail. But I can’t think of anything mind-blowing and personal. I want the gift to have that indescribable…Evan-y quality to it.

Okay. So…I need your help. I’m going to tell you some fun facts about my mom and you’re going to take those into consideration and suggest a birthday gift for me to buy her. I don’t want to spend more than one hundred dollars, so don’t tell me I need to get her an iPad or something absurd. It has to be something she knows is from me, her son, which she can cherish for the next ten or so years before she dies. Hey, I’m a realist. Human life expectancy is what, 74 years now? I just want the gift to last that long. It can be useless once she’s gone. Got it? You can submit your ideas either in the comments section below or in an e-mail. Okay, here’s some fun facts about my mom!

• She was an archery counselor at her summer camp.
• Her biggest fears are drowning and being buried alive.
• She grew up in Newark, New Jersey and taught Middle School there for over ten years. She likes black people.
• She’s a witch! Or, at the very least, she’s very witch-y. She has insane psychic powers, she foresaw the death of at least one hamster, and you should never bet against her.
• She is a licensed EMT and rode on ambulances for two years with a volunteer squad.
• She has high blood pressure.
• She still wears her retainers.
• She’s pro-life, I think. Maybe she’s not. I don’t know for certain. I know she’s über-Republican.
• Her favorite childhood toy was that ball on a string that you catch in a cup.
• Her favorite television programs are Law & Order and NCIS.
• Sometimes she pees her pants when she laughs.
• An accomplished chef, she makes the world’s best chicken parmigiana.
• Unlike many of her stupid Baby Boomer peers, she was really at Woodstock.
• She’s had breast reduction surgery.
• She used to drive a Beetle and corvette…or an MGB…or something. She drove a muscle car.
• She graduated college in three years, was accepted into medical school (podiatry school), and had she attended she would have been the only girl in her class.
• She is a self-taught computer techie. Or so she thinks.
• She suffers from migraines.
• She doesn’t like “thrilling” movies.
• She loses things a lot. She’s convinced it’s not early-onset dementia.
• An avid reader, she loves hardcovers, paperbacks, and she owns a Nook!
• Her two children were a) almost aborted (Hi Elissa!) and b) “an accident” (me!).

Well, what should I get my mom for her birthday?