The End Of Bono’s Spider-Man Musical Approaches

You could not believe the overwhelming sense of joy I felt this morning as I began reading the latest reports about the demise of Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark. The Broadway musical with the largest budget in history appears to be on the verge of collapse. And Bono wrote the music and lyrics for this disaster. Oh God, I can’t stop chuckling whenever I hear about Broadway’s biggest joke.

When we last spoke (November 29th, less than a month ago!) the show had begun previews and both critics as well as showgoers were calling Spider-Man an “epic flop.” During rehearsals two stunt doubles were injured during flying scenes. One stunt double broke both of his wrists. Another actor broke his toe, one month after he injured his foot. The actress who plays Arachne (???) has missed performances following a concussion. Since then, previews have continued and the reviews continue to be overwhelmingly negative. A couple days ago, ambulances were called to the Foxwoods Theater and the show was stopped after a “big accident,” in which a performer fell nearly 20 feet during a stunt and suffered serious injuries. Bono hasn’t been linked to the fall, nor has he been judged to be the cause of the fall, but because he wrote the music that played behind the fallen musician, one must wonder if he is partly responsible for this latest Spider-Man disaster.

Since Monday, various websites have taken on the musical, it’s producers, investors, and pretty much all those involved in the production. Gawker’s Richard Lawson pulled no punches this morning with his takedown of Spider-Man. He writes, “I saw the show a few weeks ago and resisted writing too much about it because it’s considered a bit tacky to ‘review’ a show before it’s formally opened. But at this point, with the show’s opening date continually being pushed back, who cares? …The show has squandered any theater-tradition we’re-still-in-previews good will by being such a catastrophic mess while still in said previews.”

Having seen the show, he’s in a great position to actually shed some light on why it’s so bad, and of course he drops Bono’s name in his scathing critique of the musical. “The real problem of director Julie Taymor and U2′s unwieldily catastrophe is that it is really, truly horrendously and unfixably bad down to its bones. The book is a travesty, the music is lazy and awful — it’s like listening to the scraps left on the floor after U2 recorded “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” — and the actors, including the voice-cracking lead Reeve Carney, are just not up to the vague, sloppy task set before them.” Oh yes, please tell me more about how bad the music is. Please tell me more about how shrimpy, egotistical douchebag Paul “Bono” Hewson and his ex-Christian rock band U2 massacred the Broadway musical.

One reviewer writes, “At several points we’re treated to the obligatory self-referential moment. In one instance, a car drives by with U2′s “New Year’s Day” playing on its radio (much to the delight of everyone in the audience over the age of 150). Later, after Green Goblin vows via fake piano solo (FAKE PIANO SOLO!) “There’s trouble and you’re in it. I’ll flatten Manhattan in a New York minute” (nice alliteration, I’ll give them that) we see him in a video segment destroying a billboard…a billboard for Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark.” The same writer states, “It often felt less like a musical than it did a circus performance, “Spidey du Soliel” if you will, and sadly U2′s music was not up to the task, loosely holding together scenes between acrobatic set pieces with all the audible consistency of an ’80s mix tape.” Oh yes, if I wasn’t in a room filled with people right now I would be jerking off.

Lest you think I’m being biased, accentuating the negative where a U2 fan might eliminate it, let’s get the opinions of some Broadway actors to better understand what the feeling is inside the industry. TONY winner Alice Ripley, the star of Next To Normal took to Twitter yesterday, exclaiming, “SPIDERMAN SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF ITSELF. THIIS [sic] IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE AND EMBARRASSING TO WORKING ACTORS EVERYWHERE. DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO DIE? WHERE IS THE LINE FOR THE DECISION MAKERS, I AM CURIOUS.” Yes, she used all-caps to drive home her point. Adam Pascal, star of Rent, took to his Facebook profile stating, “I have to weigh in on Spiderman. They should put Julie Taymor in jail for assault! I know what its like to fall and get hurt in front of 2000 people. It’s no fun, but at least it was the one time it happened. I hope whoever was hurt is ok and sues the shit out of Julie, Bono, Edge and every other asshole who invested in that steaming pile of actor crippling shit!” Yeah! Sue Bono! For the love of God, someone sue Bono!

If the New York Post is to be believed, this short Broadway nightmare might soon go the way of the Pygmy Mammoth (that means extinct, idiot). Michael Riedel, a very vocal critic who I quoted last month, writes that “Some investors were calling for the production to close permanently to avoid future accidents like the one Monday night that left stunt double Christopher Tierney nursing broken ribs and internal bleeding.” An anonymous investor was quoted as saying, “This is a disaster” among other negative sentiments, concluding “We should cut our losses and just get out.”

Lost in that article is the fact that they somehow sold out the remaining performances this year despite still being in previews. At an average of $140 per ticket, one must wonder if a) people are fucking retards and think they’re going to get their moneys worth or b) people are geniuses and want to see the worst Broadway musical ever before Spider-Man gives its regards for good. One commenter on a Gawker article wrote that the musical is “mesmerizing,” that the “music by Bono and the Edge was captivating” and that audiences should “be prepared to have the experience of a lifetime — one you will want to repeat over and over again.” Almost fifty responses to that comment claimed it was a poor attempt at a PR pitch, but who knows. Maybe people actually like it?

Whatever the case may be, I am a firm believer that Bono’s and his musical will fail. One has to wonder if all these injured actors are going to turn around and sue the producers. If that happens, the $60-million dollar budget production with a weekly operating cost of over one-million dollars will fall even further in debt. This, of course, is nothing new to Bono, America’s worst investor. Everything Bono touches turns to shit. I’d say “with any luck” we’ll be able to add failed Broadway composer/lyricist to the list of Bono Fails alongside humanitarian efforts and failed investments, but I don’t think luck is necessary here. The question isn’t will Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark exit stage left for good, it’s how much longer will the powers-that-be wait? Like every other failure in his miserable life, Bono will just puff up his chest and pretend this musical never happened. Then he’ll move on to his next great idea, and it will fail. And I will be there to laugh again at his misfortune. Fuck Bono.

[Image courtesy of Gardian.co.uk]