• Reader Bennett (Lawdrone) forwarded me this article from ESPN this week: Fucking asshole Bono and his stupid band U2 are forcing the Florida Marlins out of their own stadium for a weekend series against the Mariners this summer. I mean, I know it’s the Marlins and they’re the worst run team in baseball, but when you get bumped from your own stadium by U2 you know you’re in bad shape. As for Bono, fuck that little dick. [story]
• A magma pocket swelled beneath Yellowstone National Park this week, giving every crazy person around the country the idea that one of the world’s largest supervolcanos might erupt and kill everybody on earth. So close, crazy people! Instead, the supervolcano “just took a deep ‘breath,’ causing miles of ground to rise dramatically.” Once again, further proof that the end of the world will never come. Or, at least, it won’t come during our lifetime. [story]
• According to researchers, the current rate of inflation combined with rising food costs means that in the near future we’re going to have to eat insects in order to ensure there is enough protein in our diets. “There will come a day when a Big Mac costs 120 euros ($163) and a Bug Mac 12 euros, when more people will eat insects than other meat.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure that won’t happen. Sorry. A McDonalds double cheeseburger meal has maybe increased in cost $1 over the course of the last ten or fifteen years. There’s no way it’s going to go up to over $150 anytime soon. You’re all idiots. You lose. [story]
•Uh…I don’t know. Something weird is happening in Egypt. Check a real news website for details.
• Here’s an honorable mention for my list of 10 Bad News Chicks I Shouldn’t Be Attracted To: A mother in Florida killed her two children because they were “mouthy.” I don’t see what the big deal is. Used to be a parent could beat their child senseless and all it did was make them behave. Kids these days are all stupid, spoiled pieces of shit who have no boundaries because the moment a parent thinks about how to keep them in line someone’s called a lawyer or the authorities. If your kids are mouthing off and you know the state will take them away from you if you slap them across the face and tell them not to mouth off, you might as well just shoot ‘em in the back while they’re studying. That seems fair to me. [story]
• Hornet Montana alerted me to two funny stories this week: A 35-year-old named Joseph Moron is on the run from police following an investigation into stalking, second-degree kidnapping, second-degree assault, first-degree burglary and restraining order violations. The headline from the article? “Police Search For Moron.” Ha! [story]
• ”Urinating on Jorge Luis Borges’s grave was an artistic act, says Chilean writer.” I urinate on things all the time, it’s not a big deal. It’s not an artistic act — to say that would be utterly pretentious — but it’s definitely not something that I think should be considered for a news story. I piss on buildings, sidewalks, hiking trails, toilet seats in public restrooms…I piss on everything. Who gives a shit!? I don’t! [story]
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