• According to science (it’s science, people!) the best way to cure your hangover is…coffee and aspirin! And here I thought I had to have a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich with soda and two tylenols with codeine to defeat the nausea, dehydration, aches and pains which accompany waking up after a long night of drinking. Thanks science, that’s going to save me a lot of money. The only problem is, I don’t drink coffee. Can I replace the coffee with more booze? What about cocaine? That’s kind of caffeine-y, right? What about a bong hit? That won’t exacerbate the weird shit that goes on in my head when I’m hungover, will it? Science, why won’t you answer my questions! Is it because you haven’t perfected the technology to type out answers to blogger questions as they’re typing them in real time? Pshh. Whatever, Science. And to think, you sent a man to the moon. Or…did you… [story]
• Australia is a funny place. All the people there descended from convicts, they talk funny, and most of the world’s most dangerous creatures reside there. And I’m not talking about the darkies Aborigines! Australia is also weird in that all the towns and cities have funny names. Like Bendigo. Just trying to say the name of that place with a thick, low-class Australian accent is enough to entertain me for hours (have I mentioned I’m 1/4 retarded on my maternal father’s side?). Also, some idiot in Bendigo thinks they took a bunch of pictures of a UFO while stargazing. Of course, being the top-tier news organization that it is, the Bendigo Observer didn’t manage to obtain any of these photographs (just a picture of a UFO believer, yawn). So we’re left to use our imaginations as tools for guessing what the UFO pictures look like. My guess? They’re super blurry and you can’t really make out any kind of form to the UFO, it’s just a couple fuzzy lights. That’s what all these fuckers do when they claim they have pictures of UFOs. I want to see the goddamned shape of the vehicle. I want to be able to see what the hell it looks like. Don’t pull my dick and tell me you captured a UFO on film if all you have to show for it is a cluster of little lights juxtaposed to the night sky. If you do I’ll just have to take my dick back from you and slap you across the face with it. Unless you name is Emile de Ravin. You can keep my dick, sweetie. Keep it as long as you’d like. [story]
• From the outback to the…uh…boring-back? 200 cows in Wisconsin died! An investigation is underway, claims the Chicago Tribune. The obvious answer here is aliens. Everyone knows aliens mutilate cattle all the time. Otherwise it’s probably roving death metal band. They also like to mutilate cattle, or so I hear. One time Sam — at least I think it was Sam — told me a story about a guy who would have sex with cattle. He told me something that day I’ll never forget: most people who have sex with cows aren’t well-hung enough to experience any pleasure from putting their penis in a cow’s ass or vagina, so instead they use the cow’s nostrils! I know. I know. We can all thank Sam for that one. [story]
• Here’s something to take your mind of men inserting their penises into cows’ nostrils: the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences has found that there are genetic correlations among people in the same social circles! Do you know what that means? I don’t either! But I think researchers might be inferring that you can tell a lot about a person from who they hang out with. Oh, great. I’m screwed. I hang out with alcoholics, crazies and degenerates. Listen, I might be drunk and I might be a degenerate, but don’t you dare call me crazy. That wild look in my eyes is totally manufactured. I do because I like to see how people are going to react. Yeah, that’s it. I can stop looking and acting crazy any time I want. I just don’t want to right now. This is long-form performance art, people! I’m like Andy Kaufman (is what I keep telling myself when people refuse to notice me). [story]
• This should end well. Camden, New Jersey, which has previously been voted the most dangerous city in America on more than one occasion, is about to lose half of its police force. I guess the city is facing a crazy budget shortfall and the only way they can think of to save money is by laying off policemen. I’m sure the government workers in Jersey don’t feel like losing any money, and I highly doubt any of them live near Camden, so that must seem like a wise idea to them. In other news, if you’re looking to shoot a post-apocalyptic film on no budget, you should check out Camden sometime in the next year or two. It’s going to be like Mad Max before long. But with more Tina Turner and less Mel Gibson, if you know what I mean… [story]
• Apparently we all have this hormone inside us called Oxytocin, which “promotes warm social feelings but can also promote in-group favoritism and ethnocentrism.” I would read beyond the first paragraph and relay more information to you, but when I clicked on the article I thought it was about Oxycontin, and now I’ve totally lost interest. I think it’s more than a bit queer that our hormones can be responsible for such specific behaviors, especially when it comes to shit like “warm social feelings.” I don’t think I’ve ever felt warm in a social setting before. Maybe at Ginger Man a few months ago when fifty people showed up to celebrate my return to the east coast, that was kind of cool, but there was no feelings of love towards the group or anything. In fact I was more surprised and concerned for the people who showed up to party with me, because it made me wonder what kind of people would come to a bar to hang out with such a huge asshole. I’m not the type of person you should come to a party and buy drinks for, because I don’t really care about anyone but myself. My Oxytocin is a one-way hormone. It promotes narcissism and favoritism towards the self. As for ethnocentrism, well, duh. If you were me you’d judge everyone based on what only you cared about, too. [story]
• Good news, California! You’re going to die. Or so says the New York Times (uh oh! I smell a New York vs. LA showdown!). Apparently there exists a group of scientists who get together every year and chat and play D&D and wonder about what awful things could happen to America in the coming years. During their most-recent meeting, it was decided that Earthquakes are old and busted and superstorms are the new hotness. Did I really just type that? I think I’m going to throw up. I can’t even look at this article anymore. I feel sick. New hotness? What’s next, I’m going to start calling things “epic”? Where’s the gun? [story]
• With all this Mario Kart Wii League buzz swirling around my life lately, playing video games has once again become a regular part of my life. Oh, and in case I was wondering whether or not I’m a natural “gamer,” WIRED says I can just ask a team of researchers to look at my basal ganglia! (:slap:) I really hope if Gail Simmons picks a time to read my website it’s not today. I mean, could I be discussing more boring, nerdy, stupid shit? I suppose I could, but I’d have to troll different news websites than the ones I currently mine for stories. Imagine if Gail Simmons actually decided once and for all she was tired of her fag husband, and maybe she should see what this Evan guy is all about. For fuck’s sake, every third or fourth entry on this blog references Gail Simmons. Maybe she thinks that my devotion to her is cute now, and she’s wondering if we have anything in common. Hell, perhaps she’s playing a little game where she’ll click on the website and if I sound cool she’ll call me and let me titty fuck her. And then she shows up and she reads this. She reads about the fucking Bendigo UFO, and the fucking cattle deaths in Wisconsin, and the fucking basal ganglia. She’s going to walk outside her New York City apartment, grab the first guy she sees and let him bareback her just to spite me. She might even shit on his chest for fun. Just because it’s not me she’s with. And I’ll be sitting here alone in my apartment, drinking yet another glass of Pappy Van Winkle’s 20 Year Family Reserve (because I’m a classy drunk), crying and jerking off while applying and reapplying lipstick because I’m a stupid little girl with a
January 18th, 2011
I’ve read that aspirin causes hearing loss.
January 18th, 2011
Really? Again?
She’s never going to give a Cleveland Steamer to a quitter, man!
Have you seen her husband? Obviously, slavish devotion to Gail is about the ONLY thing she requires in a mate.
Wipe that drool off your chin & keyboard and get back up to blog again!
Really!
January 18th, 2011
Clearly I don’t quit, I just kind of threaten to every once in a while. When your life is a trainwreck these things happen.
January 18th, 2011
So you never did anything epic in Mario Kart? Or Smash Bros? I think some of the music you put up here is epic, as are some of the posts.
January 19th, 2011
Back in the 80s I had easy access to these Canadian pills that contained caffeine, aspirin and codeine and they were dynamite for hangovers.
As for cocaine being similar to caffeine… have you done cocaine? I suppose both are stimulants but they’re as similar as tylenol and morphine. I used to snort coke, never smoked it or did crack. Was a white, suburban Chicago 80s kid – crack didn’t enter my arena! I can say that cocaine did diminish my hangover… your mileage may vary.
Nowadays I’m onto Oxycodone and the occasional hard cider… drinking ain’t as fun as it once was and I find music, movies and reading far more pleasurable when mildly opiated. Of course music and weed go together well but when push comes to shove I’m an opiate lover…
January 19th, 2011
Tyler, you’re a man after my own heart. I took prefer pills to any other substances. We should set up a play date someday. My mom can drop me off at your house after school.
January 19th, 2011
Ahh a playdate could be fun as hell what with our music collections and affinity for Rx therapy! My dad was a doctor so I always had access and knowledge… overdosing was something I knew how to avoid etc. Both my parents died in the last few years and I’ve successfully treated myself for the depression that follows losing loving parents with opioids and other goodies. I’m glad the average person can satisfy themselves with ethanol and reefer… it leaves more pills for people like you and me who value a quality, thinking man’s “high.”
January 23rd, 2011
‘What’s next, I’m going to start calling things “epic‒ ….
I sincerely hope not, but you have been known to “throw up in your mouth a little”.
You’re better off with a more lusty hurl, spew, or just plain ole vomit, me thinks.
Everyone’s a critic!
xoxox