In Which I Review The Entire Coachella 2011 Lineup

January 19, 2011

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Every year, a bunch of sissies in short-pant velvet suits who like to skip down the streets of (insert recently-gentrified “hip” neighborhood here) touting their ironic mustaches, fair skin and perfectly coiffed hair wait with baited breath for the announcement of which bands will perform at the annual Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Much like the cast list for your old high school drama club performance of Into The Woods, the weeks and months before each lineup is posted are filled with rumors, fake-outs and endless conversations at the alternative coffee shop down the street. For some reason it’s a cause of great excitement with young people today. And I guess yesterday, or the day before, the official Coachella 2011 lineup was released to the public. And when my co-worker excitedly informed me that this was the real list, my response was simply, “Huh!?”

Who the hell are these bands? I’ve never heard of them, so they can’t possibly be any good. Or, at least that’s what I thought when I quickly scanned the three-day lineup for the first time. After seeing my Twitter feed collectively orgasm over the possibility of attending this year’s Coachella festival, I decided that I needed to check the lineup again just to make sure I wasn’t missing something crazy. For a second time I scoured the list, but I still didn’t see any of the preeminent drone/ambient figures listed. Nor did I spy a neu-kraut supergroup featuring members of Emeralds with Sam Goldberg, Justin Wright (Expo ’70) and Daniel Lopatin (Oneohtrix Point Never) performing compositions by Klaus Schulze. I saw no mention of a huge jamband-style collaborative performance between Shellac, The Jesus Lizard, Rodan and Slint. There will be no Unwound reunion this year. I just saw a bunch of names I didn’t recognize. So I figured, why not give these guys a shot. And I went to YouTube, and I listened to one song by each artist scheduled to perform at 2011. And this is what I determined from listening to those songs.

Friday April 15th

Emicida – The French should stick to the culinary arts, and definitely leave hip-hop music to those who actually know how to do it.

Kyle Hall – What is this? Trance music? Electronic? Why don’t you just play Herb Alpert’s “Rise” over the festival’s loudspeakers at 5am when everybody’s ecstasy is wearing off?

Jakes – This is what my cell phone would sound like if I asked you call me and then threw the thing in the toilet. Electronic warbly garbage.

Mount Kimbie – Looks like someone never progressed beyond the Dr. Kit preset on their shitty childhood keyboard!

Beardyman – I like to keep my human beatbox listening to under thirty seconds at a time. I can’t imagine watching this for more than two minutes.

the Rural Alberta Advantage – I always knew Belle & Sebastian were a pernicious influence. Weak males have no place in music. This sounds like Billy Corgan singing Belle & Sebastian songs, so it’s pretty much the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

Clare Maguire – Uh…when did Dolores O’Riordan have a child, and why is she so impossibly goth? I can’t wait to see what kinds of kids lines up to be in the front row for this set.

Hurts – Yeah, you’re not kidding. This hurts to listen to. I think this is the kind of song Gus Van Sant would choose to juxtapose with two hairless teenage boys making out.

Breakage – Remember what I said before about the kids who never got beyond Dr. Kit on their childhood keyboards? Breakage took that a step further and simply chose to record the “demo” track on their keyboard and pass it off as an original work.

12h Planet – I might appreciate this if I was ODing on MDMA and couldn’t hear anything going on around me. Including the music.

Gypsy and the Cat – Who told these two guys that it was okay for them to be Kyle Minogue?

Scala & Kolacny Bros. – Is this really just covers of other bands music? Or am I using YouTube wrong. If it’s true I think that’s a stupid idea.

Brandt Brauer Frick – Sorry, you had a whole thing going with your avant-garde piano and weird rhythms but you completely lost me when the whole “rain stick” thing started.

Skrillex – Untz untz untz untz (Ad infinitum)

The Aquabats – The Mighty Mighty Bosstones would be proud, sure, but I’m not positive that the rest of the Coachella audience is going to appreciate this crap.

Black Joe Lewis & the Honeybears – I can appreciate the dirty blues, but the horn section kills it.

OFWGKTA – It’s no Kool Keith.

Exision – I have no tolerance for music that only gets played by idiots in tricked-out cars with custom sound systems.

Moving Units – It’s a shame bands that formed in the past decade took great music by Wire and Gang Of Four and turned into it horrible pop/dance music. Where are your fucking balls, guys?

Glasser – Isn’t one Bjork enough? Do we really need another?

Sander Kleinenberg – House music has no place in my America.

the Morning Benders – So now it’s okay to crib melodies from doo-wop groups but add in “quirky” instruments and cute white-boy harmonies? This is probably the most unimaginative music I’ve heard yet.

The Drums – And the winner for least original band name goes to…some kids who heard Joy Division but couldn’t figure out how to replicate the “cold” sound so they decided to try and cash in on the Beach Boys revival instead. Rename your band.

Cold Cave – The worst kind of synth pop. The kind that makes me feel gay if I’m not hiding in my room listening to it through headphones specifically for blogging purposes.

Titus Andronicus – This is way too over the top for me. If this had come out before The Strokes (read: in the ’90s) it would have been classified as Arena Rock. I hate Arena Rock.

!!! – Hey! Finally a band I recognize. Too bad I recognize them for being terrible…

A-Trak White boy DJ in a fedora. Mmm…no thanks.

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – Lo-Fi pop music which I think people pretend to like in a “so-bad-it’s-good” way. There have been bands that have successfully achieved sounding like they suck on purpose before, but this band just plain sucks.

Nosaj Thing – This would put me to sleep if I heard more than one song, and I don’t mean that in a good way.

Tame Impala – Uninspired late ’60s psych(-ish) pop music. Yawn.

Ozomatli – Phrases I never thought I’d hear myself think, let alone feel comfortable typing for thousands of people to read: “I’d rather hear Fishbone.”

Warpaint – I was really hoping these girls would sound like Electrelane, but I was disappointed. Every possible modern production technique that could distract one from realizing that this is bland was utilized on the song I heard (“Elephants”). It doesn’t help that the chicks are ugly.

Flogging Molly – I don’t even think drunk Shane MacGowan can appreciate this music, and he’s Irish!

Afrojack – Dutch dance music by a DJ. Need I say more?

Boys Noize – More house music. They should put all these producers and DJs and house/dub/techno/trance guys in a bus and drive it into the Salton Sea.

Sleigh Bells – A guy girl duo pop hooks with loud rhythms, acting perhaps under the assumption that if it’s really loud people will have to pay attention to it. Not so. Watch as I skip ahead after just one minute to the next band…

Cold War Kids – What the HELL is wrong with this guy’s voice? Its vain attempts at sounding eccentric in fact make it the most pedestrian, bland “indie” rock imaginable.

Cut Copy – Really people!? There’s an audience for this in 2011? This is disco for fuck’s sake!

Cee Lo Green – I have no problem with Cee-Lo. I don’t necessarily care for the music but I don’t hate the guy.

Erick Morillo – Another fucking DJ.

Magnetic Man – A trio of DJ’s? You have to be kidding me.

Crystal Castles – More goddamned disco. I’m ashamed of people in my generation who listen to this.

Brandon Flowers – The frontman of a band called The Killers, who apparently sounded like New Order. His song “Crossfire” has 6 million views on YouTube. There are 6 million idiots in the world. This video is hilarious, though. I’ve never been in a J. Crew or a Banana Republic before, but I feel like this is the kind of music they play there.

Ms. Lauryn Hill – I got Jersey pride for Lauryn Hill, but that’s it.

Sasha – …I’m not sure I’m watching the right video. That’s Sasha? That’s who will be performing at Coachella? Who the hell goes to this festival? Is it not the indie-kid shit-fest I thought it was? My 60-year-old mom would listen to this.

Robyn – Again, this is dance music. I hate dance music. Since when do kids who don’t hang out at douchey clubs listen to dance music?

Caifanes – I guess Latin America never got Depeche Mode or U2 when they first came out?

the Chemical Brothers – Too bad it’s not 1997, these guys might actually draw a crowd.

Interpol – I’m surprised these guys are still around. All the heckling should have gotten them to break-up by now. Does Carlos D still have herpes and chase fat girls? Interpol is the definition of bad revival music. Echo and the Bunnymen should be cashing these guys’ royalty checks. And that’s coming from someone who doesn’t even like Echo and the Bunnymen!

the Black Keys – Like My Morning Jacket but worse. Are kids these days afraid to admit they like Skynyrd? Or are they only allowed to say it ironically? I’m so confused by all the bullshit persona-manufacturing that people do in order to define their preferred aesthetic.

Kings Of Leon – I hate(d) U2 the first time around.

Saturday April 16th

Alf Alpha – God, more music that sounds like a gauzy version of Herb Alpert’s “Rise”? Is that really what the music world needs?

Mary Anne Hobbs – Wait a minute, a female DJ? Is that supposed to impress me? It’s still dance music.

Trampled By Turtles – Acoustic backwoods-y country music with banjos and requisite multi-part harmonies. I like that they have a song called “Codeine,” but it’s missing a few key elements that could make it good. Like really loud guitars and heavy rhythms and maybe an Echoplex. Anything that will make them sound more like US Christmas.

the Felice Brothers – Ryan Adams already tried to do the whole Bob Dylan and the Band thing, guys. Do you really want to be known as the guys who came along and tried and failed at what Ryan Adams also tried and failed to do? Because that’s what you’re going to be known for now.

SBTRKT – Electronic music with a soulful singer fellow. Not enjoyable.

Andy C – Oh, sweet. I haven’t heard any bad electronic music in the last few minutes. Thanks for filling that hole in my life, Andy C.

Bomba Estereo – Is this supposed to be the Spanish-speaking MIA or something? Because she’s certainly trying hard enough to make me believe her. Call me skeptical, but I’m not buying it. She’s totally unique. I swear. Just listen to that. Totally unique. Nothing like MIA. Nothing.

EE – Is this Erika Elder, as in the EE portion of MV&EE? If so, that’s cool. If not, it probably sucks.

the Twelves – Bad dance music. I think I heard one of the lyrics as “When you make out with the girls at the door.” Is this music for club bouncers? God, there’s a niche for everything isn’t there…

Mariachi El Bronx – I was hoping this would be a straight mariachi band, but there’s a bearded guy singing and that totally destroys it.

Freelance Whales – I always thought that those online band name generators were not to be taken seriously, but apparently I’ve been proven wrong. How can it be that Vampire Weekend is already influencing bands? They’ve only put out two albums!

the Henry Clay People – The singer sounds like Stephen Malkmus and the band sounds like Pavement meets the Replacements. That’s the nicest possible way I can put it without saying that this is literally the most unoriginal band ever. Seriously. Listen to this and tell me that this band should exist.

Joachim Garraud – Untz untz untz untz untz untz untz untz

DJ Marky – I’m pretty sure I can tell without listening to this that I don’t like it.

DJ Hype – I’m not even going to bother.

Gayngs – Oof. A “dance-rock collective.” This sounds like a record playing on the wrong speed. It has no redeeming quality to it. Is it supposed to sound like 10cc? Because 10cc sucked.

the Love Language – Somewhere Robert Pollard is cursing himself. “This is what has arisen in my wake? This is what I started making music for? To influence this?”

Francis and the Lights – I can’t tell if this is soul music or rock music. Either way, the singer somehow reminds me of Phil Collins, so I’m done with it and I’ll never give it a second chance.

Phosphorescent – He looks like Will Oldham, but he sounds like Distilled Oldham. Ha! See what I did there!? He’s somehow somber without capturing any real darkness. He’s entirely lacking the vibe that made Oldham’s early records good. This kind of gentle music, without some black humor or desperation sprinkled in for effect, just ends up leaving me disinterested.

the Joy Formidable – I used to get emails from this band’s label all the time asking me if I wanted promo materials, but I never bothered listening to them. Boy did I save myself a lot of time. Thorazine-spazzy indie pop (and by that I mean it really wants to be spazzy but doesn’t quite make it) with a female singer. This sounds like the Sugarcubes or the Cardigans. Neither of whom I like. I wonder if the singer is a slut. That could help me like her more.

Thao and the Get Down Stay Down – By-the-numbers indie pop with an ethnic female frontwoman who doesn’t have nice enough cans to keep my interest. Whoever put the guitar in this girl’s hands needs to grab it back quickly. Banal “indie” shit.

Electric Touch – Alternative Rock is alive in well…in England. Let’s keep it there.

Wire – I hope Wire kicks that fake Wire band’s ass. Moving Units. Kick their ass, Wire!

Yacht – Isn’t there a good band from Japan called Yacht? This is not them. This is terrible synth music from Oregon performed by an American Apparel ad. Fuck these hipsters.

Lil’ B – Whoa, what the fuck? This sounds like someone rapping over Tangerine Dream. Weird. Do you think he might collaborate with Emeralds? Hey. Emeralds. Get on it. *snap*

Raphael Saadiq – Bad soul music for people who can’t get laid. I’d take Garland Green over this guy any day of the week.

Chuckie – Club music. I think I’m going to stop trying to review these “artists” and just describe them as club music, house, techno or trance.

the Radio Dept. – This sampled newsreel clip at the beginning of the song had me thinking Mogwai when it started, but then it turned into a bad Pet Shop Boys via Ride tune.

Cults – Boy/girl indie pop from New York. Another girl singer who thinks it’s beneficial to swamp her voice in echoey haze to disappointing results. She probably has a good voice, too, but that technique only draws attention to the overly simplistic melodies and subpar musicianship.

The Tallest Man On Earth – A Swedish guy who plays acoustic guitar. Was he picked on by the death metal kids in school? I sure hope so.

Fat Freddy’s Drop – Is ska-soul a genre? I just heard someone utter the phrase “skankin’ through the night,” which I hadn’t heard somebody say in at least 15 years. Some elements of reggae (bad reggae) and dub (worse dub). Bonaroo? Maybe. Coachella? Ha!

Foals – Post-punk with angular guitars. Like a slightly better Bloc Party. Oh, God. Are those horns I hear in the background. Get rid of them now, please.

Jenny and Johnny – The giant-breasted girl Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley and her boyfriend, from some other band — who is presumably named Johnny — making music together. I am so unmoved by this music. Wannabe sun-dappled pop music that instead comes off as utterly trite, singsongy garbage.

Two Door Cinema Club – It’s like I always say, if you can’t get The Postal Service to play your show, throw a rock as far as you can with your non-dominant hand and you’ll probably hit a band that sounds just like The Postal Service.

Delta Spirit – I was about to ask why there wasn’t any Emo music represented at Coachella this year. And then I remembered Emo music fizzled out with bands like Saves The Day over a decade ago. And it wasn’t good then. And it’s not good now. Which is why this band selection make perfect sense for Coachella.

Daedelus – Not to be confused with Dedalus, of course. I’m sure the Japanese love this, but it’s not for me.

Elbow – Like Radiohead, before they were good. Which, by the way, lasted for only one album (OK Computer), so can we please get over them already?

Laidback Luke – Club music. Ugh.

Shpongle – More Trance music. I’m sure if you’re tripping this is great, but for the rest of us it’s just annoying.

the Swell Season – The guy from the Frames. He writes great pop songs, but he needs to ditch his ex-girlfriend and start recording with his old band again. Just because you make a movie with a girl doesn’t mean you have to throw your music career away for her.

Cage the Elephant – The least interesting guitar riffs since the Black Crowes. An embarrassingly cocksure frontman who sounds like he’s half-singing-half-rapping. It’s a recipe for disaster. I would watch them just to point and laugh.

Gogol Bordello – Never understood the whole “gypsy punk” thing. It sounds like bad carnival music and the lead singer guy’s every move makes me want to punch him in the face.

the New Pornographers – I probably wouldn’t mind this if it wasn’t played by my co-worker three times a week at work. Now I just hate it. And I hate that fucking Dan Bejar guy. Pretentious piece of shit. We get it, you can fit a lot of words into a sentence. Now stop speaking.

the Scissor SistersThis sounds like bad ABBA as sung by the Bee Gees. And you’re telling me this is popular with kids today? Suddenly I feel really old.

Fedde Le Grand – A Dutch DJ. Apparently all the money in music these days is in DJing. I picked the wrong profession.

Paul van Dyk – Trance. Sucks.

Erykah Badu – I can’t disrespect her but also you couldn’t pay me to watch her perform.

One Day As A Lion – Zach De La Rocha? Didn’t he die for some political cause in the ’90s? He was protesting Kasparov vs. Big Blue, right? Or didn’t he asexually reproduce and form At The Drive-In? No, seriously, whatever happened to that guy. Please don’t tell me he started another “raw” political band that I have no time for. I said don’t tell me…

Broken Social Scene – They had a couple good songs on You Forgot It In People but I’m really not that impressed with the other 98% of their recorded output. Just because you have a lot people on stage doesn’t make you sound better (see: Arcade Fire, The).

the London Suede – It’s only fitting that the one Britpop band appearing at this year’s Coachella is Suede, who were by far my least favorite Britpop band when I was listening to only Britpop.

the Kills – Terrible. All style, no substance. They have a song called “What New York Used To Be.” What do you mean, like in 2003?

Steve Angello – House music with sampled handclaps!? Sign me up! And by that I mean sign me up to drink the poison Kool-Aid so I don’t have to hear any more of this.

Big Audio Dynamite – Really? But they haven’t put out an album in 16 years. And they really only had one sort-of good album. It came out in 1985.

Empire of the Sun – Disco with male vocals from a guy who looks like an Asian Elton John. I feel like there are a lot of Australian bands playing Coachella this year. And most of them play horrible disco music.

Bright Eyes – The most annoying, preening, self-absorbed songwriter since Bob Dylan (Ohhhh, I finally get the comparisons now!), this kid cannot sing a lick and his songwriting ability is slightly worse than his voice.

Mumford & Sons – FIFTEEN MILLION VIEWS on YouTube? You have to be kidding me. YouTube videos with huge followings never make sense to me. Do that many people watch it because  the song sounds amazing, or because so many people have nothing better to do with their time? Uh…this sounds like Dave Matthews Band. Sorry. No thanks.

Animal Collective – Plenty of bands have prattled on for five or six minutes at a time while still managing to do something cool and unique (see: Neu!, The Fall, etc.), but this is almost unlistenable. All those goofy ancillary sounds are torturous. There’s such a thing as too much texture. This stuff sucks. Quick, someone steal their laptops!

Arcade Fire – The worst band in the history of music, the Arcade Fire have ripped off everyone from Heart to Bruce Springsteen to Brian Eno and Elastica. Swan Fungus hated the Arcade Fire first, and I’m sticking with that assessment.

Sunday April 17th

Tokimonsta – The first twenty seconds of “Sweet Day” sounded cool like Miles Davis circa Sketches Of Spain but then it turned into that stupid chill electronic music that I’ve described twenty different ways already.

Gord Downie – A guy who can’t sing (think: Ben Folds) backed by a hobo banging on a trash can. Hokey enough to not sound out of place on an adult contemporary radio station.

Thunderball – Terrible club music that sounds like JG Thirwell if he chose to give up on making good music and focus solely on making the lamest dance mixes imaginable.

New Pants – Japanese kids playing gentle electronic pop music. It’s a shame all these bands with synths couldn’t…you know…learn to do something cool with the instrument. Like Arp.

DJ Zinc – Another DJ.

High Contrast – More electronic music? Why do they even bother calling it Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival? They should just call it a rave.

Los Bunkers – A Latin band who have unfortunately arrived 40 years too late to the rock ‘n’ roll scene. Who knows, if they were born at the right time they could have been the Beatles!

Eliza Doolittle – Another white girl singing white girl soul music. I applaud all these producers who have replicated the girl group and Spector sounds, but I wonder if they realize that by replicating something they are inherently admitting that they can’t create something new and unique. I’ll listen to the originals, thanks.

Rye Rye – Another MIA clone. Not my thing.

Ellie Goulding – Soft jittery electronic music with homely white woman vocals. I think the next logical progression from this kind of music is to just cut out the human element altogether and simply have computers do all the singing. That’s pretty much what it sounds like now, anyway.

Good Old War – Jangly acoustic pop music that mines classic folk rockers from CNSY to Paul Simon. The definition of safe, accessible drivel.

fun. – I’m sorry, I think I got this whole Coachella thing wrong. I thought it was for hip bands that young people like. I didn’t know these guys were Coachella material. They are so wussy they make Jellyfish look like The Jesus Lizard.

Menomena – Standard shlocky “indie” fare with instruments like a glockenspiel or a xylophone. Melodies you’ve heard a thousand times before which still can’t move you to care.

Joy Orbison – Really? A pun on Roy Orbison? I was so hoping it would be a chick playing depressing songs about death. Instead it’s more chill electronic music. Bleh.

Riva Starr – Electronic music.

Caspa – Club music.

Plan B – Another white guy singing white guy soul music. I applaud all these producers who have replicated the classic soul sound, but I wonder if they realize that by replicating something they are inherently admitting that they can’t do something new and unique. I’ll listen to the originals, thanks.

Tinie Tempah – Is this rap or electronic? Does it matter?

OFF! – Keith Morris’ newest band. Punk revival.

Twin Shadow – Terrible new wave music that seems to bite everything from Joy Division to New Order to Morrissey. This guy should challenge Ariel Pink to a Battle of the Bands in order to prove who is worse.

Phantogram – I think I’m more disillusioned about the state of music right now than I was before I started this blog post. Is everyfuckingthing these days either R&B or electro-pop influenced? For fuck’s sake. Somebody do something original, please.

Delorean – More shitty electro-pop that gets labeled as “indie” for God knows what reason. Can one of you please explain to me why the dernier cri in music journalism/marketing right now is to compare a band that sounds nothing like the Beach Boys to the Beach Boys? Thanks.

Yelle – Much like bad electronic Madonna from the late ’00s, this music has no right being in anyone’s possession anywhere on earth. Unless that person wants to get his or her ass kicked.

Angus and Julia Stone – CocoRosie and Joanna Newsome called, they’re both suing you for copyright infringement. You’ve been charged with allegedly stealing their rights to THE WORST MUSIC EVER MADE.

Foster the People – These guys sound like MGMT, which is not a good thing. I’m kind of impressed that I just dropped an MGMT reference, considering I don’t know anything about them other than the song that was on a bunch of car commercials.

City and Colour Acoustic guitar. High pitched voice. Remarkably unremarkable. This set should go over really well with tens of thousands of people who are high and looking to get sweaty and dance in the desert.

MEN – Oh, right. This is JD Samson from Le Tigre. I read about this in the LA Weekly recently. More electro-pop music. They ought make a movie about a kid who wanders into his grandparents attic and stumbles across an (gasp!) analog instrument. What does it do? What sound does it make? The only music the kid has ever heard has been terrible dance music made by computers. What kind of music will he make with this newfound instrument? Starring Danny Cooksey as “The Kid.” Except he’s in his mid 30s now. Whoops.

CSS – Bouncy dance music from South America. Maybe if they stopped playing terrible synth pop and yelling and posturing like a bunch of douchebags it might be better. Like if they were unpretentious and played good rock music. Then I might appreciate it.

Jack Beats – Club music.

HEALTH – They’ve got all the right influences (Suicide, Neu!, Kraftwerk) and yet they don’t manage to do anything of note with it.

Fistful of Mercy – A “supergroup” featuring Ben Harper, Joseph Arthur and Dhani Harrison. Not to be outdone, Zak Starkey, Grant Lee Phillips and Mark Eitzel have started their own supergroup called “Three Other Guys No One Cares About”. I think I just wrote my first Jay Leno monologue joke.

Green Velvet – Another band named by an online band name generator? Nope, just more House music.

Jack’s Mannequin – Wow. Emo. Maybe next year if Coachella fans are lucky they’ll convince The Get Up Kids to headline one night.

She Wants Revenge – Yeah, I remember the first time I heard Unknown Pleasures too. But, Jesus, I didn’t take it this seriously. She Wants Revenge reminds me of the goth band from the classic Mark-Paul Gosselaar vehicle Dead Man On Campus. “My words are my sperm…”

Lightning Bolt – Wow. A band I would actually pay to see. That makes…one? Two? I hope they play in front of the stage so tens of thousands of people miss seeing their set.

Best Coast – Another band with a girl group sound. Like the Ronettes with distorted guitars. But boring. Super, super boring. As in, I can’t even bother to cheek and see if the girl(s)(?) are attractive because this is so fucking boring I just want to move on to whatever is next. Oh, wait. Isn’t this one of the girls from Pocahuanted? Weird.

Leftfield – House music.

the Presets – Club music.

Neon Trees – They have bands in Utah? That’s crazy! Oh, wait, they only have bands in Utah who are just getting around to hearing the first Strokes album. Melodies, big choruses, dance-y pop music. In other words, irresistible to sixteen year old girls. The rest of us just think of it as lifeless, corny pop music.

Duck Sauce – Electronic music.

Chromeo – If I hear another synthesizer that doesn’t belong to John Elliott or Steve Hauschildt I’m going to blow my brains out. Crappy electro-funk dance music for losers.

Bloody Beetroots Death Crew 77 – A+ on the name, D- on the electronic music.

Sven V‪ä‬th – Another crummy DJ.

Axwell – House music.

Jimmy Eat World – Alternative emo arena rock. Predictable, cringeworthy, and downright terrible. You could describe sex with me in identical terms.

Nas & Damian Marley – I don’t have the vocabulary to accurately critique rappers, but I know this isn’t Kool Keith, so it’s already a disappointment.

Ratatat – Repetition-based electronic rock music. The two tracks I’ve listened to (“Tropicalia” and “Loud Pipes”) are inoffensive enough, they just kind of plod along without going anywhere. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.

Wiz Khalifa – Rap. Not as good as GZA.

Death From Above 1979 – Didn’t these guys die in a fire at VICE party five or six years ago? Oh, you mean they’re still alive and playing music? You could have fooled me. These guys were in-and-out of style quicker than the flannel shirt revival.

PJ Harvey – Yes please. PJ Harvey should play every slot for all three days. Naked.

the National – Wuss rock of the highest order. In a battle between who cries more, I’m sure fans of this band would give fans of the Cure a run for their money. There’s nothing sadder than a bunch of mopey older dudes playing sad music for young kids. Nothing.

Duran Duran – Duran Duran wrote two good songs, “Ordinary World” and “Come Undone.” I could take or leave the rest of the oeuvre. They pretty much epitomize pop music in the ’80s, and last I checked everybody unanimously hated pop music from the ’80s. And yet…Coachella’s lineup this year is filled with bands who sound like really bad Duran Duran.

The Strokes – The moment “indie” rock officially* died was when that Strokes album came out. Everything became about fashion and coolness, the music was left behind and every popular rock band since The Strokes has been marketed using the model perfected when this band broke out. I hate everything about the Strokes, I hate every band they influenced, and most of all I hate you for liking a bunch of boring guys who make boring music that’s somehow perceived as being cool.

Kanye West – Don’t even get me started. Piece of shit no talent cunt.

* everybody knows “indie” music died before the Strokes came along. They were more like a nail in the coffin. Prindle nailed it when he defined indie rock as an outgrowth from punk rock, retaining that movement’s energy and agression. And somewhere along the lines the roots of modern “indie” bands shifted from punk rock bands to the first or second wave of indie rock bands. All the energy, agression, and ROCK was lost, and now what we’re left with is bands who are the antithesis of rock music: The Decemberists, Beach House, Animal Collective. And that’s why I like to use square quotes around “indie” to describe bands currently being championed by dumbass bloggers and journalists. THE MORE YOU KNOW.

49 comments

  1. Anonymous
    |

    You are, without a doubt, the biggest douche i have ever seen in my life! fucking cheer up pal…

  2. SEEKER
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    CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT

  3. Simon
    |

    Hello, i was wondering what kind of music you DO like? List a few bands, would be greatly appreciated

  4. Simon Lemal
    |

    Duran Duran are just cunts. They were posing camp cunts in 1981 with their limp-writed synth pop bollocks and now they’re just fat and old and sad with stupid hair cuts and even shitter music.

    Joy Orbison are actually quite good, but the name is unforgiveable.

    And hey, soft lad, can you do a post about the 50 worst portmanteaus: Webinar, brunch, chocaholic etc

  5. Tyler Kent
    |

    Jesus effin’ Christ! You just created a long ass list of bands and nary a one would ever manage to get me off my couch and certainly not out to a sweaty, crowded festival. I bought Cds by 2 of these “artists” (Ariel Pink and Tame Impala) and was so disappointed by my foray into “somewhat popular new music” that I ran right out and spent a small fortune on Conrad Schnitzler Jap mini-sleeves as some sort of weird apology to the music gods… and I already owned these Schnitzlers! So great was my shame!! I hope I have appeased the deities of true music!
    It amazes me that one could assemble that many bands and not even accidently include one with the “wow factor” but there it is. Ugly shit brother, u-g-l-y.

  6. erik
    |

    Thank you.

  7. |

    Hey. I love Coachella. I’ve been 7 years in a row now and I do not fit your fey little description of the typical festival-goer. I’ll tell you why I got addicted to Coachella – because the first year I saw Radiohead and the Pixies reunite. I watched Belle and Sebastian, Air and the Flaming Lips all in a row, as the sun went down. I’ve had a lot of beautiful memories at that festival where the music and the atmosphere synced up perfectly. Your shitty little hate avalanche doesn’t make me feel any differently about this festival.

  8. |

    Oooh, also – the year I saw Kraftwerk, Portishead and Prince all without having to get up and move.

    EVAN IF YOU SHIT ON PORTISHEAD, EVER, I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND MESS UP EVERYTHING

  9. Jaysus B Jaysus
    |

    Oh, and btw, Plan B are all right and so is Tinie Tempah. They may not be Expo 70 or Mark McGuire but they make decent pop music. Pop music can be ok, speshly when its done in a new way.

    Elbow are like watching your drunk dad dance at a wedding.

  10. |

    I can’t shit on Portishead, Prince or Kraftwerk. I’m just shitting on this year’s lineup, not your memories.

    PS – Didn’t we sit around a table drunkenly laughing at the idea of Best Coast, like, two months ago?

  11. Fred
    |

    Evan,
    OMG you’re SOOOO COOL! You hate everything (which means you’re BETTER!!! YAY!!!). You have strong opinions on every genre of music and that opinion is FUCK THAT SHIT. Man, do rule or what, BRO? Some day I hope I can be just like you, a salty old, Hipster FUCK who thinks he is cool by hating new (and old) music.

    One question, why bother writing a music blog?

  12. |

    Evan,

    You’ll note that your “shitty little hate avalanche” didn’t change the minds of any of the douchebags who’re retarded enough to like this shitty fucking music in the first place. They’re still just as stupid and fucking retarded as they were before!! Great job at keeping all of those pathetic retards even more steadfastly locked into their cycles of absolute misery!!

  13. zandy's bride
    |

    i just bargain binned a record recorded on a viking ship in 1301, it’s a drunk norseman pulling his cock in rhythm, while his valkyrie daughter pulls her tit in and out of a dead enemies ear, the giant scottish woman who engineered honor role rictus reads an epitaph at 3:02 of the only song on the record, the recorded record

    i’m ripping it to MP3. i’m going to play it in my jvc boombox at coachella. i’m going to stand in line and everytime i reach the front i’m going to return to the back.

    i’ll play kool keith’s plastic world*, girl let me touch you there

    maybe lick the pussy by the beatnuts, i’m rolling with the drummer from emperor

    come hang out! we can do a round robin of vu’s venus in furs, me you drummy and a freshly beaten joanna newsome

    coachella. good times.

    * lb’s duel in the deep

    bloody beetroots, only thing cool about the name is the sequence of death and crew, a la ramellezee and the death comet crew, coachella is a dickrider rodeo

  14. |

    Is it too early to say zandy’s bride is the frontrunner for best reader comment of 2011?

    ps – “soft lad” guy, if you want to write the blog post for the 50 worst portmanteaus I’ll post it and kick you a few quid for the effort.

  15. Tyler Kent
    |

    Evan,
    Don’t let these pop-pickers get to you. They’re all groupthink and are incapable of discovering music for themselves. Unless the right radio station played it or the right blog mentioned it, it doesn’t exist. Do you think these people have EVER taken a chance on a record based on cover art or song titles? (They probably “collect” mp3s come to think of it).
    I’ve taken more chances on music than these folks have combined, I’ve bought albums that looked so good yet sucked so hard and I’ve also discovered amazing shit that I wouldn’t ever have otherwise been exposed to but for those $15 chances I took… and in 1983 when I was 16 that $15 was a big deal!
    For these people to call YOU a hipster is laughable. The hipsters are the people most loudly defending the Coachella lameup, er lineup.
    What you are, what I am, are sonic explorers. Fans of music, not hype. Yeah, we get off on discovering diamonds in the rough but it isn’t all glamorous when 99% of the music out there is dreck… and evidently appearing at Coachella.

    NP – Eloy/ Silent Cries & Mighty Echoes

  16. michael
    |

    all i ask about this lineup is: where’s yximalloo??

  17. |

    That was amazing. Good work.

  18. Blair
    |

    I want to be as hipster as you

  19. |

    I assure you, madam, ‘hipster’ he is not. In truth, ‘springy bean who likes to laugh’.

  20. |

    nice list, high entertainment. thanks i needed the laugh.

  21. Greg
    |

    I came across this while trying to figure out why the Swans “Burning World” album is either universally hated or loved. Glad I did. I agree wholeheartedly with much of your assessment. I would say, however, that hearing Mick Jones (weighing in at close to 16 stones) sing “Somehow I stayed thin, while all the other guys got fat” might be worth the price of admission. Also, you remark that “bands took great music by Wire and Gang Of Four and turned into it [sic] horrible pop/dance music.” I would submit that bands like Gang of Four took great music by bands like Gang of Four and turned it into horrible pop/dance music as well. Otherwise, impressive and well done.

  22. timmy
    |

    Hello, I agree with Simon,
    What kind of music do you like? Oh, if only there were some way to find out…

  23. timmy
    |

    What is Greg talking about? What the fuck is a “stone”?

  24. |

    “Stone” is a peculiar British unit of measurement, yet another reason why they don’t run the world anymore

  25. |

    Solid as a rock.

  26. Anonymous
    |

    you are a dick. do you even listen to music or do just spend all your time acting pretentious so people will think you know what youre talking about? how are you employed as a music blogger?

  27. MikeM
    |

    I can’t tell, do you like Elbow? I think they are rad

  28. john
    |

    hilarious. but i checked some internet pix and jenny lewis does NOT have big boobs [unfortunately]

  29. GaryGiz
    |

    You are a musically ignorant FUCK! for one god damn minute in your unmentionable life get out and explore the world. your narrow minded views on things are holding you back from experiencing some of the most greatest forms of musical genius.

    but what ever this wont even turn your head. so what’s the point

    so hears my message to you

    FUCK YOU!

  30. |

    What music would you like Evan to “explore”?
    How would you like him to fuck himself?

  31. Greg
    |

    I hafta believe Jenny is wearing a “magical-boob-bra” in the second link, Evan. I’d still put her in the perky “C” cup category. Not sloppy big, but not mosquito bites either. It’d be nice if we could all just come to an agreement on Jenny’s tits and then maybe move onto talking about the music from there?

  32. vince
    |

    First off, Shpongle is not “Trance” music, it is a genre of it’s own, and you’re unfortunate to not get a live set by both Raja Ram and Simon Posford the creaters of psytrance. A lot of these groups have more talent than you’ll ever have in your life, learn to appreciate all types of genres of music and all types of artists and not be so picky you tasteless prick.

  33. joel
    |

    This guy is a proper cunt, just straight up. “Arcade Fire – The worst band in the history of music” what the fuck are you on about you dumb fuck! I’ve seen Springsteen 3 times live, I’ve seen Arcade Fire live twice, Arcade Fire are equal to Springsteen if not better and calling them the worst band in the history of music just shows how close minded you are. If you can’t appreciate other genres of music then you shouldn’t listen to it at all you fucking retard. Don’t go dissing other music just cause you can’t do any better yourself, all the bands and artists you have dissed are out there performing to thousands of people whereas you’re crying about them on the fucking internet so looks like you can’t say shit about them cause they are obviously doing a whole lot better than you. By the sounds of it, you don’t like music at all so why bother complaining about you utter cunt. Get a fucking life, a pair of ears and enjoy music instead of being a cunt about it. Fucks like you anger me so fucking much.

  34. Staceylala
    |

    TL;DR

    *Goes back to listening to Skrillex*
    UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ *punch in the face * UNZ UNZ UNZ

  35. SKILLREXRULES
    |

    YOUAREAPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICKPRICK

  36. |

    Yikes. Does your dad own pitchfork?

  37. alex
    |

    Wow, that was the unbelieveable piece of shit i’ve ever read. I can’t imagine what sort of music you listen to.

  38. M3311
    |

    TL;DR

    Don’t put stuff like this up on the web. We’ll get it. And rip it out of you. *Goes to listen to Robyn and Ellie Goulding* Listening to a computer singing, am I? I bet you’re mad, bitch. ^^

  39. Boba
    |

    “Crystal Castles More goddamned disco. Im ashamed of people in my generation who listen to this.”

    It’s obvious, then, that you have no friggin’ clue what you’re talking about.

    The Trammps = Disco
    Bee Gees = Disco
    Sisters Sledge = Disco
    Bohannon = Disco

    If you listen to any of those and mistake it for the same style that Crystal Castles produces, your head ain’t on straight.

  40. Anonymous
    |

    You are probably the most retarded person I have ever seen on the internet, and your opinions make as much sense as Sarah Palin at a Tea Party rally. You talk about your musical tastes as if they are facts, and don’t even seem to realize that literally all music is subjective. The connections you try to make between different artists are literally some of the dumbest, most outlandish things I’ve had the gross displeasure of reading. The Black Keys are My Morning Jacket? Are you fucking retarded? Bob Dylan is annoying and self-absorbed? WHAT. Arcade Fire is Bruce Springsteen? Alright here, let me try to copy your style of criticism:
    Uhhhhh Lady Gaga? Fuck that bitch sounds just like the Beatles! I LIKED ‘EM BETTER THE FIRST TIME AMIRIGHT?
    The White Stripes? Rip off of Thelonious Monk more!
    Daft Punk? I dislike all electronic music therefore this entire genre is bad and the fans of it are retarded.
    You’re a pathetic troll. Your views aren’t special.

  41. |

    A TROLL is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages on an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users for a desired emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.
    Anon, name-calling – inflammatory? Provokes other readers for desired emotional response?
    Who da disruptah.

  42. Thebrutalist
    |

    Yes pj Harvey was the only respectable artist performing at this festival

  43. |

    undoubtedly the worst review of anything i have ever laid my eyes on.

    totally bias. not accurate at all.
    we don’t care what music you like. a professional would be able to acknowledge and appreciate all genres by looking at the atmosphere, the performance etc.

    you suck.
    you’re depressed.
    and wow probably the most beautiful, greatest weekend of my life and to not have fun at it or enjoy what you were listening to or what you were doing is very sad.

    don’t come back. the people at coachella don’t take kindly to downers like you.

  44. |

    Telling Mssr. Fungus that he sucks will surely alleviate said depression.

  45. |

    Hornet, stop being so goddamn defensive. These commenters are only doing what Evan was doing to begin with – stating his opinion. They’re saying they don’t agree with him, which they have every right to do. And indeed some of his comments are VERY ill-informed.

  46. […] the best-ever example of me aiming for negative comments came this past year when I reviewed the Coachella 2011 lineup. Almost 50 people weighed in on the matter, and I could probably re-post all the comments below to […]

  47. |

    even though this is like a year later, i must say that of all the cynical rants on music this is the most contrived, uninformed, and completely unreliable rant ever–be it music, politics, or anything else on the net. Get out of the 70s and 80s and white old man perspective. Hip hop, electronic music, and anything else u cant understand is not all horrible. What do u even like? It seems like u are the ironic hipster that wasnt accepted by any girls or hipsters, and u seem to be ego-manical in your views. U have no talent, u do not know music, and u never will amount to anything in your social and/ or artistic life. You know whats lamer than hipsters? blinded anti-hipsters who actually think they are even too cool for hipsters, which in fact makes them extreme hipsters…and buy into ‘bloggin’, create some douche bag user name, their own site, and a forum to get off on own opinion like some misguided music nerd god that cant relate to anything outside their own interests and existence….PATHETIC TRIPE…..

    CUBT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT indeed….

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