Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Woman Should Make

January 7, 2011

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It’s a new year, I’ve waited seven whole days since 2011 began…I think it’s time to make fun of The Frisky again. To be fair, I’ve taken it easy on the ladies who write for that wretched magazine ever since I partied with them in October. I guess there was an implied “truce” in my being invited to the party, but as we all know, truces never last long. And when I first spied this morning’s 10 New Years Resolutions Every Man Should Make article, penned by none other than the chief crazy-woman of The Frisky, Amelia McDonell-Parry (or as I’ve taken to calling her, “Amelia McDick-Party”) I had to respond.

Talk about generalizing about men! “Put the toilet seat down?” Are we all suddenly twelve years old now? I know it’s projection, but do you really think all men are that self-absorbed that they ignore common social mores and gentlemanly bathroom etiquette? The only time I refuse to put the toilet seat down is in a public restroom, because I don’t even want to touch the toilet seat. I don’t care if the seat is up or down, in a public restroom I’m not going anywhere near the seat. Sorry. Germs. OCD. You know the deal.

Again, “stop wondering what else is out there,” such a dumb general inference, as if the same percentage of women as men don’t have a wandering eye. I sense more than a bit of self-consciousness in Amelia’s comment, “When you have one eye on me and the other eye on the rest of the women out there, you’re not using both eyes to see how fucking rad I am. So stop that.” The good thing about self-conscious girls is that you don’t have to work for the pussy. The bad news is you have to deal with all of their issues if you go more than a few hours without giving her mouth something else to do.

“Improve your cunnilingus skills.” Hey, I don’t know what kinds of guys girls who read The Frisky date, but cunnilingus is anything but difficult. I feel like the whole “getting a dude off is so much easier than getting a chick off” argument is a myth. To be perfectly honest with you, I’ve probably had more experience being the one who’s dissatisfied during sexual encounters than I have being the one who can’t please his partner. That’s not in any way meant to be boastful. I’ve never claimed to be a skilled lover (just a hateful, sometimes even spiteful one). I just think the idea that women are harder to please than men is a misconception. The author makes it sound like men need to literally practice their oral sex technique. But anyone with half a brain knows that a female orgasm is as mental as it is physical. So the only technique one really needs to practice is the art of leading a girl to believe you really like her and will buy her a new purse or boots if she sleeps with you through Valentine’s Day. Once you’ve lied enough for her to be super comfortable and emotionally connected to you, you can pretty much slap her across the face and make her come.

Number 7 on Amelia’s list of ten resolutions for men is, “Work on your mental health.” My only response to that (and to all women) is, “You first.”

The next item on the list, number 8, is “Ditch that ‘bros before hoes’ crap.” Clearly Amelia has found herself in at least one, maybe even multiple relationships where she wants to be the center of the universe and is devastated when her man lets her know that he has a life outside of the two of them. You are absolutely right, men don’t have to choose. Because the moment a girl makes a man choose, she has shown her true (controlling, manipulative, insane) nature, and deserves to be broken up with on the spot. The problem with women, and I’ll address this in my list, is that they always say “Seriously, go out with your friends. Howl at the moon together. Just make time for us too,” and no amount of time you set aside for them is ever enough.

I should probably address Amelia’s tenth resolution, because she missed a key element to the story she provides about her friend who signed up for online dating and didn’t ask a girl out because he was too busy. Dude is not “pretending” that his career or other girls are more important than dating, dude is not leading anybody on by carrying on a two-week e-mail exchange with the dating website girl. As someone who has experience with the art of fake Craigslist personal ads, I can tell you without a doubt that what your friend was doing was not pretending, it was an attempt to a) see if the girl is attractive and b) use her e-mail responses as a gauge to determine how likely it is she’ll fuck you on the first date. If that’s not a perfect example of a guy being honest about priorities, I don’t know what is! Give your friend a break, he’s just doing what we’ve all done before. Date when the odds are great. That’s my motto.

10 New Year’s Resolutions Every Woman Should Make

01. Admit that you’re crazy – Maybe then we can begin the healing process…together. Well, we can focus on you right after you fix me a sandwich.

02. Stop making us late for everything – For fuck’s sake. We date you because we think you’re pretty. You don’t have to spend nine hours figuring out what shoes go with what outfit goes with what shade of eyeliner. Just put on a pair of jeans and can we just get out of here already? The movie starts in…shit, the movie started twenty minutes ago! Thanks a lot, dick.

03. Lose some weight – I wasn’t going to say anything, but all of you put on some weight during the holidays. Let’s get this problem taken care of before it gets any worse, okay? No one wants to bang a girl with cellulite. So…just…take care of it, or we’ll keep going after models and other anorexic chicks.

04. Please stop watching Jersey Shore – Or any other trashy reality show that devalues you in our eyes. Real Housewives…that girl who was friends with Paris Hilton and her Photoshopped-in-real-life sisters…deriving joy from those television programs makes you look retarded. Seriously. Retarded. My sister watches those shows. I think she’s really, truly retarded. See? That’s real world evidence, not conjecture like what writers for The Frisky rely on. It’s not flattering. Watch baseball instead.

05. Stop crying – If I had a dollar for every tear shed by a girl I’ve dated, I wouldn’t have to date another girl because I’d be filthy rich, traveling the world banging exotic ethnic broads who I didn’t have to converse with afterwards. If I resolve to stop making you cry so much, can you please resolve to stop crying over the fact that a sock got eaten by the drying machine or that dog you saw at the coffeeshop this morning reminded you so much of Comet? Again, this is not very attractive. You’ll only be helping yourself in the long run if you toughen up a bit.

06. Try a little – I hang out with friends who are girls and sometimes it’s like they’ve just OD’d on Thorazine and “oh by the way I haven’t showered in four days.” Jesus Christ girl, just because there’s no chance we’re going to have sex with each other doesn’t mean you can’t function like a normal human being. At least, you know, put forth some effort and brush your hair or something. Read the newspaper so we have something to talk about. The lone exception to this rule is my friend Phoebe, who refuses to do what normal humans do and it somehow manages to be endearing.

07. Laugh at a rape joke – Look, I don’t believe in double-standards when it comes to humor. You can’t tell a racist joke in a group of friends one minute and then get all holier-than-thou when someone else makes a rape joke. Funny is funny, and ideally there is a time and place for everything to be laughed at. It’s not a question of envelope pushing or making people uncomfortable or even testing what’s socially acceptable, it’s about accepting, embracing and even laughing about our differences, dead babies and all.

08. Give us more “Me” time – Whether it’s hanging out with one’s male pals or spending the afternoon getting a Thai massage with a “Happy Ending,” sometimes we just need to do what we want to do. We know you do the cooking and the cleaning, and for that we reward you with gifts and romance and couples time, but our natural instincts, our primal urges to beat our chests and get drunk and watch sports and fight need to be sated every once in a while. Just let us make time for other people, too.

09. Ditch the “Girl’s Night!” crap – When guys get together for a night out on the town, it’s more about getting black out than it is anything else. When girls go out on the town, it’s about looking as slutty as possible and vying for the attention of every guy in the bar. And you think it’s bad thing that we like to spend time with our “bros”?

10. Don’t tell us what to do – I’m talking to you, The Frisky. Your lists and articles already refuse to seriously approach dating, relationships or gender differences with anything but snark and irony. I get that it’s a humor website, but there are real, legitimate contrasts between men and women, and they can be discussed on a higher level without losing one’s sense of humor. There are topics other than “girl power” and “men suck” to explore without lazily resorting to stereotypes and cheap jokes. Instead of telling us what to do and what not to do, stir things up a bit and tell your female readers what they should do! And I don’t mean continue promoting online clothes shopping, The Bachelorette or any of that superficial crap. Maybe then you’ll actually get some dates, ladies. Not you Amelia, I know you sleep around. I mean the other, more pathetic Frisky gals. They need help. Steer them in a new direction. You can do it, I have faith. Let’s see if you can’t make 2011 the year I gave up on ranting about The Frisky because it stopped annoying me.

[image courtesy of memphissewingmachine.com]

5 comments

  1. |

    Thanks for link, asshole! Love you!
    xoxo,
    Amelia

  2. Gerald Nice-Cardigan
    |

    11. Stop wanting men to be `real men’ then complain when they dont behave like politically correct metrosexuals

    12. Stop looking in the mirror every 5 seconds

    13. Stop gossiping and talking inane shit all the time

  3. Wang Dang Doodle Dandy
    |

    You know I’e given you a load of shit over the years for being a douchebag. This is true, but you’ve provided me with a whole lot of intriguing music. Thus in the good-natured spirit of the new year I’m going to say thanks, call it a draw and focus on the positives.

    I SAY HALLELUJAH!!
    Keep up the good work.

  4. MikeM
    |

    Pretty good, Boy Blunder, Pretty good!

  5. |

    I just laughed way too hard reading your article. I think I’m developing a crush!

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