Ice Cream Burgers, Indie Rock, Bowel Cancer, Tampons, Death Rays And Brains

February 5, 2011

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• I’m sounding the alarm, Swan Fungus readers! Surely one of you lives in the state of Florida. I need someone to go to the Florida State Fair and sample the Ice Cream Burger for me. A few months ago I paid a reader to go to the Texas State Fair and sample the deep-fried beer. Now I want to pay for your Ice Cream burger. All I ask in return is a quick review (50 words or less) and some pictures of fat people. Contact me. The fair is next week. I’ll gift you the cost of a burger plus a little extra money for your time and effort. [story]

• Scott Tennent from the blog Pretty Goes With Pretty (remember I interviewed him about Slint recently?) wrote an amazing piece earlier this week about how one of the most popular trends in modern “indie” rock — that is nods to ’80s soft rock and R&B — has both eclipsed and mystified him. In my post I just laughed at bands who sounded like bad ’80s music. In his post, Tennent puts forth more effort to determine if any irony is involved, or if the people writing this music actually think shitty music is good. I consider it to be a must-read. [story]

• BBC reports something gross: Dogs can detect early bowel cancer. Given a breath test, an eight-year-old black lab successfully detected cancer in 33 of 36 samples. When give a stool sample, the dog detected cancer in 37 of 38 samples. I wonder how accurate it would be if we cut out the middle man and just had the dog stick its nose up our asses. Next thing you know, a dog will be able to spot testicular cancer by licking peanut butter off your balls. [story]

• Hornet Montana will typically e-mail me an article every week that he finds worthy of dissection, but this week Stephen in Japan took up that mantle, and alerted me to an amazing new black market item: tampons. Some kind of Johnson & Johnson tampon has developed a legitimate cult following, which has prices soaring on secondary markets such as eBay. Really? What’s so special about a particular tampon? Can a single woman reading this let me know? This is all very reminiscent of the “sponge” episode of Seinfeld. I guess the moral of this story is that when vaginas are involved, women will go to extremes to find the products they want. [story]

• Uh…some teenager in Indiana built a death ray. Well, more accurately he applied mirrored tiles to a satellite dish and the results are heat with an intensity of 5,000 shining suns. It might look like a queer-o disco ball, but if you stand it front of it you’ll probably die. So…a high school kid built a death ray. Awesome. [story]

• ”A blast of electricity to the brain could provide a flash of inspiration when under pressure,” or so scientists in the UK have determined. I feel like I would need a zap to the brain every single day just to get me to blog, let alone lead a productive life. Anyone got a brain zapper I could borrow? I’m still hunting for my one brilliant idea that’s going to pay me for the rest of my life so I can give up on this godforsaken blog. [story]

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