This Is Why You Want To Drink With Swan Fungus

I often remind Swan Fungus readers not to be a stranger if they find themselves in Los Angeles and want to meet their favorite cewebrity. The majority of bloggers are either too self-conscious or too far up their own asses to ever consider spending time with “less-thans” (that’s what we call you when we get together — or at least that’s what I imagine it to be like, I don’t really know any other bloggers). I’m different. I want to make your dreams come true. I want to take you out and get you drunk and change your world. You’ll wake up with a stinging headache and some amazing stories to share with your friends. My goal is to be a kind of urban legend. The Bill Murray of blogging.

Reader Michael contacted me last week to let me know he was going to be in LA, and asked if I wanted to hang out. I invited him to Tom’s birthday party at Blue Palms last night, and we got wasted together. Michael was transformed from the new kid in town to a blubbering drunken mess half-asleep in the back of my car in the span of, like, three hours. That’s how good I am. Trust me, next time you’re in LA and you’re tired of missing out on celebrity sightings, why not ask the biggest star you know (read: me) what’s up? Who knows, maybe I’ll make all your dreams come true…and then you’ll wake up on my couch the next morning. I’m not going to send you home alone drunk. That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m one of the good guys.

What else could happen if you go out for drinks with me? Well…

You can kiss my girlfriend!