Zach The Comedy Central Junior PR Assistant

February 22, 2011

I was going to post another album for download today because I’m feeling a bit off my game at the moment. I’ve been nursing a small migraine for the past 48 hours and looking at computer screens for 8 hours a day at work, then coming home and blogging isn’t helping much. But then I signed into my secondary e-mail account and I saw this comment waiting to be approved. It was posted this afternoon (February 22nd, 2011) in response to a post entitled “What Do People Blog About Anyway,” original published on January 7th, 2010.

I’ve decided to take a Dear Wendy approach to addressing this young man, Zach’s, problems with my persona. Wendy Atterberry, if you’re reading this, considering it an addendum to my resume.

Dear Evan,

“All I see is another introverted, narcissist who found a false sense of entitlement through the same form of expression they so openly badmouth. That I’m an asshole/sexist/perverted/highly opinionated douchebag approach has been done…And done… And done… We get it, you don’t like other people’s blogs. Congrats. Now, at the risk of having you write another 5 paragraph section on this response I’m going to watch some Tosh.O the show that embodies what you so desperately seem to be striving for, and evidently does a better job at…

oh, and if you do have anything better to blog about by all means, i gave you my email. I’d love to be contacted if you could ever find anything but your fascination with scatological porn and your terrible grades to blog about.” – Zach the Comedy Central Jr. P.R. Asst.

As hard as it may be for you to believe, Zach, every single person on the face of this planet who maintains a blog, Twitter, Tumblr, or even a Facebook account possesses a sense of entitlement. Otherwise, what would compel people to publish their thoughts to an audience of billions of people? Vanity is inherent in social media expression. Each time you update your little Facebook status, Zach, you are doing so with the notion that what you are saying matters, and the people who read it will actually give a shit. Each time you “Like” something, “Bookmark” a website or forward a web-link to your friend (I used the singular form to denote your tedious, isolated existence!), you have chosen to publicly approve of or cast aspersions on something. So, to single out one individual for feeling “entitled” is not only a moronic charge, it’s also hypocritical. I might flip your opening remark around and point out this about you: All I see is another reclusive little pissant projecting his own neuroses, who is so fucking retarded he doesn’t even realize he’s engaging in the exact same behavior he’s trying to decry!

As for my playing the “opinionated douchebag,” I have but one question to ask in response: Who cares!? Seriously, who cares if this has been done before. If that’s really the best insult you can muster — a shoddy indictment of my character — I pity you. And what the hell is with your Tosh.O reference? That show has been on the air for three years (which, by the way, makes it three years younger than this website). And yet, in your opinion he’s the embodiment of the asshole character type? Hilarious! When you say that acting like a douche “has been done…and done…and done…” how far back are you going, 2002? You poor kid. You have no idea. Look, I’m not delusional. I know guys have been playing this role in print, on television and in movies for decades. You’re right that it’s not an original character. Where you’re wrong, of course, is in everything else that you say.

Lastly, I have no desire in scatological porn. In fact the first time I saw Tubgirl in High School I almost puked. I have a weak stomach. Ask my girlfriend. I can’t watch any of those plastic surgery TV shows she likes. As for terrible grades, college was five or six years ago. The only grades I get now are from Analytics and advertisers. Thanks for the statistical and monetary boost, by the way.

Listen, Zach, you seem like a good kid. I’m sorry I insulted your mom’s hausfrau blog or whatever. But, seriously, if you read something you don’t like on the Internet just turn away and ignore it. Actually engaging with it is only going to expose you as the sorry little knave that you are. I have no ego about what I do, I have no misconceptions about my role as a blogger, and most importantly, I literally couldn’t give a fuck if anybody cares one way or another about what I have to say. I do this because it suits me. I like writing about things I like, and I like writing about things I don’t like. Whether or not anybody reads this site (and for years no one did) is of little-to-no consequence to me. So my advice to you, Zach, is to do what I do. Stop caring. Enjoy life. Smell fresh flowers. Fuck a girl in the ass. Do whatever it is that bring you joy. If commenting on others’ blogs happens to do that for you, fine, keep doing it. Just go somewhere else to do it. I really don’t care what you have to say. I just wish you’d realize that there’s a great big world filled with opportunities out there, and you’re missing out on it. Mark Twain famously said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off your bow-lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” And if I could include one more command for you Zach — even though it’s a sin to augment a famous quote — it would be “Blow me.”

2 comments

  1. |

    Zach’s a turd hoarding self-loather that thrives well in such a profession. If only people like you and me were feeding Tosh his lines, that show would take on a certain,undoubtedly stygian dimension, that would most likely be misunderstood by the kids playing at running that channel. Zach fears true edge-play. Let him fire away salvos proclaiming anything but in well composed private messages, but know he would never let perfect darkness infect his comedic programming.

  2. zandy's bride
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    Who is tosh? Is he in that group das racist? is he cutting off federal funding to planned parenthood? If so, that’s a great joke and a complicated set up for a punchline. Is tosh the retarded guy on eastbound and down? Is tosh a he. Is tosh that piece of shit adult swim animation on tbs? I fucking hate tosh and his fans if that’s him/her.

    ‘opinions are like assholes’ but, I’d rather the asshole of a front magazine covergirl than rue morgue or Serengeti grandmas in national geographic. there’s no acounting for taste? Good luck getting me to plunge my tongue in a 98 year old gypsies asshole.

    Zachary, be more concise. you have a list of assholes you like to eat and tosh is # 1. swan fungus is what? #15? It’s a good list. whoever the fuck tosh is.

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