Apparently the key to scoring great narcotics in Los Angeles is having a doctor who is just about the same age as you. I didn’t even have to play dumb with the guy. He basically said, “You’ve got a bad cough, huh? Here, take some liquid fucking painkillers and call me when you sober up in three weeks, my man!” Then we high-fived and winked at each other. Just kidding. We just shook hands. Which was funny because as he reached out to shake my hand I was wiping snot from my nose, and then I called attention to the fact that I was shaking his hand after just wiping snot from my nose with the same hand. Awesome, right? The only downside to having a doctor who’s about the same age as you is that is when he asks you to disrobe it feels like you’re starring in your first amateur gay porn film. Awkward!
I’m fine by the way. I’m not dying. I’m not a pathetic mess. I’m just learning that it’s hard to keep your body healthy when you’re going out to all different parts of the city night after night having too good a time. I can’t just run 20 miles a week and think that’s going to make up for all the harm I’ve done. Out of the last 45 nights of my life I think I’ve only stayed in and taken it easy two or three times. I should have figured at some point my health would fail me or I’d run out of money. I’ll be good to go in a couple days, but I need to take a night or two to rest. And write a blog entry or two. And get high on liquid painkillers.
Aaaanyway… A few weeks ago the hottest editoress in five counties (uh…Putnam County, Madison County, Hill County, Hazzard County and Cobblestone County?) Amelia McDonell-Parry asked me to take a quiz she had posted on The Frisky. Because I’ll do anything to please her, I agreed to blog about it. Of course, I was still on leave from blogging at the time so I never got around to it. Now that I’m rejuvenated I can finally take her quiz. I think I made Amelia angry by waiting so long to do it because she’s been Tweeting about “The Wire” every day even though she knows I’ve never seen it. Cruel bitch.
Like any self-respecting heterosexual teenage boy I used to flip through the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine. I took some quizzes, too. It was just to see…well, wait. It’s been over ten years since I’ve look at one. Can a guy even take those quizzes? Or are they only geared toward women? I know I used to look at the quizzes, but I don’t remember how I extrapolated any data from them. Maybe I didn’t take the quizzes? Maybe I just read the sex advice because it gave me pointers for how to please women? No, that doesn’t make sense…most of the sex advice was for how to please men. Jesus. What the hell was I doing flipping through Cosmopolitan?
Amelia used to read the sex advice printed in Cosmo, too. And she thought it was absurd. She thought it was so absurd that she could come up with her own ridiculous sex advice. So she asked her readers at The Frisky to take a quiz (how Cosmo of her!) to determine which advice she made up herself and which advice actually appeared in the pages of Cosmopolitan. Let’s do this:
#1) Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster — Fake. No Need To Read Any Further. Fake.
#2) When your partner is masturbating you, ask him to tug playfully on your pubic — Fake. This one has to be fake too. Who uses the term “masturbating you”? Grandparents? Sex-Ed teachers? Why can’t we all just settle on using “finger-blasting”? And since when is pube-pulling kinky? That’s like saying tweezing ingrown hairs is kinky.
#3) Imagine his manhood is an ear of fresh summer corn — Fake. For fuck’s sake. “His manhood?” What is this one of those desperate romance novels fat women buy at the supermarket? And “fresh summer corn” are you kidding me? I don’t want to read any further. My dick hurts enough already just thinking about it.
#7) Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off. Fake. Oh come on, you can’t be serious. Amelia, at least try to make these plausible.
#11) Blindfold your guy or send him into another room. Suck on a Warhead sour candy for a few seconds before running it over five unexpected hot spots on your body — Fake. And This is already way too complicated. If my girl kicked me out of her bedroom for more than thirty seconds during foreplay I’d go make myself a sandwich and turn on the TV and call it a night. At that point it’s not worth it. And, really? You’re going to then bring him back into the room and tell him he has specific rules he has to follow? Sex isn’t supposed to be like boot camp. You fuck, you come, you tell her you have to be up for work early and you leave.
#13) Did you know that your lips automatically blush when you’re aroused? Well, show him you’re really hot for him by shaving your ladyparts bare and painting your “other” lips with lipstick for a sexy surprise. Fake. Sorry, nothing about that sounds sexy. Really, you’re going to advise a girl to pull down her pants and surprise her man by having fake lips painted on her pussy? That’s the single worst piece of sex advice I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I would laugh so hard I might piss myself if I saw that. I would take a picture and it’d be on the Internet within the hour. That’s retarded. That’s worse than retarded. It simply can’t be real. Something so asinine could have only come from the warped mind of Amelia McDonell-Parry.
#15) A new, soft, manual toothbrush is an incredible sex toy that will provide pleasure for both of you. Fake. A toothbrush? Really? You’re going to rub each other’s bodies with a toothbrush? That sounds about as exciting as rubbing each other’s bodies with sandpaper. Do you have to penetrate your partner and brush their insides too? That’d be weird…I wonder what that would feel like. Excuse me, I have to go make a phone call…
#18) The next time he’s playing video games when you have an urge to get busy, pull his manhood out of his pants and use it like a joystick as you play the game along with him. Real. That’s the most amazing piece of sex advice I’ve ever read in my life. If only more girls knew information like this, all of our lives would be better. Men would play less video games, and women would be in the mood to fuck more often. I like it. I think it’s real. Best piece of sex advice ever.
Well, it turns out I got only 2 out of those 8 questions correct (and 6 out of 18 overall, but I didn’t want to type out every question). You’ll have to see for yourself which ones were correct and which ones were incorrect. Take the test and see how you do. It’s insane. If women are actually reading this sex advice and following it, I feel really bad for the men they are dating. Although, I’m not going to lie…using a ring pop as a gateway to anal sex seems like an ingenious idea. Was that one real or fake? I don’t remember. Either way, I like it. I’m going to recommend that one. I just don’t like the part about using candy to make salad tossing easier. That’s just gross.
Amelia, if you’re reading this (and I know you are — you’ve got Google Alerts for all the different spelling variations of your name set up don’t you, you dirty, self-centered little minx), call me the next time you need some sex advice. Cosmo’s got nothing on your pal Ev-bo.
Leave a comment