Bigfoot, Cloaking Devices, Sea Monsters And Fried Food

I’m very quietly, very cautiously writing this blog post from work because I have plans tonight and I’m not going to be able to generate an update otherwise. Don’t worry, I’ll schedule it for a few hours ahead of now just in case a co-worker or boss happens to click onto the website during business hours. If I get caught I might even get reprimanded! Isn’t danger arousing? Here, take a look at my hard-on!

Weird night last night. All I’m gonna say. Crazy shit always happens when I venture out of my little East Side bubble and into the real world. Handcuffs might have been involved — and not in the fun way.

• Bigfoot hunters from the mighty state of California think they’ve found evidence of the notoriously shy creature’s existence in Sierra National Forest. The tell-tale sign that our bashful missing link attempted to make contact? You guessed it: a smudge on a car window! The paranormal investigators are currently trying to collect DNA from the smudges to…I’m not sure exactly what they’re going to do with it. Do they think there’s a science lab somewhere in the world with Bigfoot DNA on file they can compare it to? What are the odds this turns out to be a black bear or a deer? 1:1? That sounds about right. Trust me, if anyone is going to discover and make public the existence of Bigfoot, it’s going to be me. I just haven’t gotten around to hunting for him yet because I’m busy with other projects. Also I could give a fuck. Oh, yeah, and Bigfoot does not exist. [story]

• ”Scientists have shown off a ‘cloaking device’ that makes objects invisible to sound waves.” When the cloaks are small enough for me to ignore co-workers, customers, friends and family I might just invest in one. Until then I’m going to need you all to shut the hell up so I can finally enjoy some peace and quiet. Also it’d be nice not to hear the voices in my head, so if there’s an injectable form of the cloaking device, or if one can be surgically installed in my brain that would be awesome. If that’s impossible I guess I’ll just keep drinking and drugging to silence  my inner monologue. [story]

• Move over Montauk Monster! Folks in Guangdong, China found a 55-foot long sea monster washed up on the shore that weighed 4.5 tons. Even as the creature continues to rot and stink it has attracted visitors who marvel at its weirdness. Kind of like my grandmother on my father’s side. No matter how bad her apartment smelled and no matter how pathetic she was when she refused to leave her bed, we still drove all the way to Hackensack to visit her. I think it got to the point where my father bribed my sister and I to go with him. Maybe that’s what the natives of Guangdong should do to boost tourism. In this economy, every penny counts! [story]

• The least-cool fried food item coming to a county fair near you: Fried Kool-Aid. That’s what one purveyor is selling down at the San Diego County Fair this year alongside deep-fried cream cheese, deep-fried butter (which my boss has raved about before), fried jalapeno with a Baby Ruth center (okay, that one sounds awesome) and Krispy Kreme chicken sandwiches. What, no bacon and fried egg on that sandwich? Pussies. [story]

Alright, that about does it for me. I’ve got about thirty minutes left until closing and ten I’m heading downtown to watch/hear Eric Whitacre conduct at the Walt Disney Concert Hall. Tomorrow will be a good mix tape. It will include more honorable mentions from the best albums of 2011. You’ll like it. Have fun tonight kiddies.