Letters To No One: Three Olives
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Sirs or Madams or What-Have-Yous,
On a recent sojourn to the East Coast of these United States I happened upon a certain curio at a local watering hole. It was truly confounding! The barhelp called the drink “DUDE,” and I’ll be damned it was one of the finest vodka drinks to ever grace my palate. And until that moment I would have sworn up and down that vodka was the single foulest spirit in the history of distillation. From the Ancient Greeks to whoever-the-fuck was the last person who invented a new flavor of vodka before you sons of bitches first discovered DUDE (and according to my sources it was some asshole who infused bacon or asparagus or a douchey hipster-mixology ingredient like fennel into vodka) no one had ever placed a shot of vodka in front of me that was in any way enjoyable. Until DUDE. I tell you, I wept tears of semen it was so tasty. My taste-buds jizzed. I tell you, it was boner-rattlingly good — and that is usually a term I only reserve for exciting Mets games and blowjobs from barely legal chicks.
So you could imagine my shock — and the total dejection I felt — when I returned to the West Coast and discovered that NONE of the local alehouses or speakeasies peddled in DUDE. The closest I found was some Three Olives swill that tasted like grape. Disgusting. Do I look like some house negro who is titillated by the idea of grape drink? Please do not dignify that with a response. It was a rhetorical question. Of course I’m white.
My point is, I must know if DUDE is available anywhere in the Los Angeles area. I have a car. I will travel if need be. Just please steer me to a retail location where I may buy multiple bottles, or perhaps a bar or lounge that I might be able to burgle. Anything to get another taste of that sweet DUDE (oh my God if any of my friends ever heard me utter the phrase “Anything to get another taste of that sweet dude” I’d likely be beaten, or at the very least mercilessly mocked for weeks on end). I have no doubts that my weekly poker game, my hunting party, my NAMBLA chapter and my wapiti brethren at the Elks Club would all agree that DUDE is the finest vodka to ever touch their lips. Their sweet, soft (never chapped!) lips. Oh my God, I can almost taste it now. I can almost taste that DUDE (again, another statement that if ever spoken in public might get me hate-crimed by someone who didn’t understand the context). Please help me find DUDE in LA. I can promise you tons of free promotion on my blog. Yeah, I know, I went there. I said that. But it’s true. I have a blog. I’ll write all about my love for the DUDE if you just help me find a couple bottles. Thanks brahs and sahs!
Los Angeles, CA
Hey G. Brooks,
I see we have a fan in Los Angeles! Very happy to meet your virtual acquaintance. Please tell me where you live and I will tell you those closest liquor stores and bars that you can get your DUDE fix quenched at.
OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY? I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHERE I LIVE!!!!
I don’t need your home address, just your neighborhood.
It’s nice to be taken seriously by a company for once. I can’t give you my exact address for privacy reasons but know that I’m in Los Angeles in the Silver Lake neighborhood. Thanks bro. Lookin’ forward to quenchin’ my thirst with some sweet ass DUDE!
No problem, neighborhood is fine. Cap n Cork in Los Feliz (Hillhurst and Proctor) will have some DUDE for you. Also Sunset Plaza Liquor on Sunset and Martel. If you like other spirits check out Maestro Dobel for Tequila and Kraken Black Spiced rum while you are there. Some Bars in your area that have brought some DUDE in recently are:
Cuba De Oro on Vermont
Home on Hillhurst
Malo on Sunset
Cha Cha Cha on Glendale
Akbar on Sunset
Dresden on Vermont
Chi Dynasty on Hillhurst
Thirsty Crow on Sunset
If you have a favorite watering hole or liquor store that is closest to your house, just go and ask them for Three Olives DUDE and they should be able to get it for you. Or give me the name and we can make it happen. Thanks again for supporting THE DUDE!
Cap ‘n Cork didn’t have any. Malo supposedly tried to bribe people on Craigslist for good Yelp reviews so I don’t feel like going there anymore, and although the idea of ordering shots of DUDE at Akbar is funny, I decided to just call BevMo to see if they carried it. And they did. $20 a bottle. So I drove over there last week to pick up some DUDE. A famous TV star was there buying red wine (I still can’t remember what show he’s on, or his name, but he’s a blonde scruffy guy…shaggy hair…whatever) and we had a 15 minute conversation about DUDE. Then I drove over to Nate’s where everyone had the exact same reaction I had the first time I learned about DUDE: Skepticism-before-adoration. We proceeded to kill the entire bottle and get nicely buzzed. They’re DUDE fans now. Or at least they really enjoy making sexually ambiguous DUDE jokes while consuming the strangely Moutain Dew-ish elixir. Thanks, Three Olives!
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