Oh, The Frisky. It’s been far too long since I’ve glanced at your website. I can’t imagine what I’ve been missing. No doubt there have been scores of articles penned on such hard-hitting topics as kitty cats and sexy celebrities you’ll never meet! What’s that you say? You’ve instituted a regular feature that details what each of you are wearing to the office? Great. Now I don’t know whether I want to jerk off or hurl my laptop out the window. Nice glasses, Amelia McDick-Party. Are you going for the kinky nerd look? Because that green trash bag you’re wearing kind of diverts the eye away from your face…and towards that weird gut belt holding the trash bag together. Oh God, Kate. What happened to your leg? You look positively disfigured! Julie. Yikes. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen a picture of you. That explains a lot…Hey Ami. Just because your magazine is online doesn’t mean you don’t still work in an office. Some effort. Please?
Speaking of Ami, today she authored (I kept wanting to use the verb “write” but then I remember all of us are only published online — pretty much by ourselves) a hilarious little overshare-y post entitled “Our 17 Biggest College Regrets”. As if we’re supposed to think that all 17 of these regrets don’t belong solely to Ami. If that were the case I could totally envision a staff meeting where Ami cries to her co-workers and begs them to attach their names to experiences they never had.
“No, you don’t understand Julie. It really happened to me. But can’t you just say it happened to you? If readers think I really regret 17 things from college they’ll know how bat-shit-fucking crazy I am!”
Come to think of it, I could envision Amelia forcing the same fate upon her staff. But at least she’d look a little better while doing it. Emphasis on a little.
Let’s see…what does Ami regret from her college years? Four things!? Four? I can think of two, tops. But I’ll address those later. Let’s focus on Ami now. Apparently Ami blames a mentally unstable professor for the time she spent in therapy. Ha. Yeah right. Keep telling yourself that, psycho. She also dated a boy who left her for a “now famous rock star.” There are famous female rock stars? Because I can’t think of a single one and I’m around music every day. Unless she means he left her for a male rock star, in which case, no wonder she’s a bit…off. Lastly, she regrets not taking a normal job right after college. Which isn’t technically a college regret, but who cares, nobody is reading this except for me anyway. Nice try though, Ami, you came up with three shitty regrets.
NEXT.
Amelia. Sweet Amelia. What do you regret from college. Before I even read them, I’m going to guess one is going to be a sexcapade, maybe even two, because I’m convinced Amelia can’t hold a conversation without either talking about dick or making her love for dick widely known. We get it. You’re in your thirties. You’re running out of time. If anything you should regret half the things you publish on The Frisky. They kind of reek of desperation. And only a complete sadist like me finds it in any way attractive (call me). So…what do you regret, Amelia? Not studying abroad? Really!? People regret that!? I studied Italian for a year too and regret not going after college but…study abroad? Regret? What’s wrong, you can’t make your own fun here in America? All the boys in your college refused to date you so you thought you’d have better luck overseas? Trust me. Our distaste for you is universal. Also, you regret “not losing your virginity to someone else.” Oh here we go. Sexcapade tale number one. Let’s hear all about your vagina. Again. And then you close your “regret” by announcing that you need to stop because you’re sharing too much? Uh…what about the preceding five sentences? What else do you regret? Not joining the school newspaper? Trust me, that’s not something you regret. I wrote for two school papers starting as a sophomore and look where it got me. I have a blog. I don’t think that fourth year was the difference between Swan Fungus and Vanity Fair. Lastly, you regret…”everything I did to my hair?” Oh my God. Why do you girls always set these goals for yourselves with numbered lists of things? You always fail at it! Set your goals a little lower. Hell, if you each just wrote about your biggest college regret and expanded on it, it would make for a more interesting read than this drivel.
Kate’s smart. Kate only came up with two regrets. Good for her. Wait a minute, she too regrets not studying abroad? What are you girls cheating off each other’s computer screens? Come on! Study abroad is a joke. Unless you’re going for an international business or culinary degree or something. What the fuck is a blogger going to learn abroad? Nothing. I kind of agree with your second regret, Kate. I waited until my sophomore year of college to break up with my high school girlfriend and it was about a year and a half overdue. All it did was hurt her more. I’m sorry for that, but…you know…I was 18 or 19. I didn’t know that at the time. Good regret. The first one of the bunch.
Who’s Jessica? You look like Amelia with bad hair and a worse wardrobe. And no stupid glasses. Awww…you wish you’d tried harder to make friends your freshman year. That’s kind of adorable. If you weren’t such a beast I’d pity fuck you just for that. And you also fucked yourself over with a long-distance relationship. I did that for a year too. Good call. So far so good. I agree with your first two regrets! I don’t share them really, but I agree with them. What’s number three? Wait a minute, you wish you hadn’t self-medicated with alcohol and pot? What the fuck!? That’s what college is for you idiot! When my freshman year neighbor knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted his bottle of Vicodin with three refills because he “Didn’t believe in medicine” to cure his ruptured achilles tendon you think I should have turned him away? Fuck no! I developed an impressive addiction to painkillers, I stopped eating, and I lost twenty pounds! Getting high was the best part of college. I didn’t drink until after graduation, but drugs were fun! That’s what college is for. Bad form, Jessica. If anything I expected you to regret not doing more drugs in college. Don’t you regret not losing your mind on mushrooms on a weekend camping trip? Don’t you regret not smoking DMT with your roommate? Don’t you regret not joining that fake Indian religious group who had a government OK to take peyote in a giant tent in the middle of the city? No? Well fuck you! That’s a huge part of college you apparently didn’t care to explore. Lastly, you wish you’d asked your parents for more money? Fuck you you spoiled bitch. My dad signed up for loans in my name without telling me, then neglected to pay them back, prohibiting me from registering for classes one semester. I think I hate you too now.
I don’t get it. Why do you girls do this every time you write an article. You try to come up with four things each when you could simplify things and create a more arresting, fascinating article. You clearly can’t reach the lofty goals you set for yourselves. Ever. It’s always “10 Bad News Dudes I Shouldn’t Be Attracted To” or “15 Real Reasons We Dumped Him” or “The Ten Types Of Emotional Cripples” and each one is 2/3 to 3/4 bullshit. Almost nonsensical, borderline retarded, cringeworthy, unfunny shit. And this one might be the most egregious list yet. Do you know why? It’s very simple, actually. Because you’re supposed to live your life without regrets. That’s how people stay sane, and happy, and how people grow and change. I’m no Buddhist or anything but I realize that it’s not healthy to dwell on things I could have, should have or might have done differently in the past. What’s more, everybody fucks around in college. Strip it of the institution and the classes and that’s pretty much why it exists at this point. Clearly if you look at the state of the economy and the job market you realize that having a college education pretty much means fuck-all in this modern age. So basically it’s a right of passage, a finite period of time between adolescence and adulthood where we further discover who we are, what’s important to us and (in some cases) what we want to do with our lives. So fuck feeling bad because the wrong guy took your virginity, and fuck feeling bad because you should have studied abroad. Embrace the fact that you like where you are now in your life (if in fact you do, and I hope you do, because life is always more fun when you’re happy with it) and realize that maybe you wouldn’t be the person you are today if you’d done things differently. Accept the past for what it is and exist in the present.
And maybe smoke some grass if you’re having trouble finding that happy place organically.
Ew. I sound like a hippy right now. Listen, can one of you girls from The Frisky suck my cock while I’m watching the game and eating a plate of buffalo wings? Thanks. You can take those stupid glasses of Amelia, I promise you I won’t ejaculate without warning.
PS – I just realized I totally left Julie’s four regrets out of my response. Which is so perfect, because Judy fucking sucks at everything she does (especially writing!). I stopped reading her articles a long, long time ago.
The end.
Modern Lovers – Modern World
Beulah – Silver Lining
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