Not at all exciting for you Swan Fungus news, everyone! A Swan Fungus “Evan’s Face” t-shirt has found its way around the world to New Zealand. Pictures pending. Something about that seems cooler to me than Kathy Griffin wearing my face on her chest. As cool as the series of photos from Japan sent by reader Stephen last year. You probably don’t think this is big news, but whatever. I’ll post the pictures here and on the official Swan Fungus Facebook page when they arrive. If you don’t already have a Swan Fungus shirt a new batch will be made up (professionally, no more of this spray-paint DIY bullshit) in the near future. You’ll see…
Remember Livejournal!? I mean…you had one too, right? At the very least you must have had a FortuneCity or Geocities website where you “blogged” before that was even a word. I know I did. My Livejournal (which was deleted shortly after the creation of Swan Fungus) was pretty much a place where I wrote down random thoughts when I was really, really high. I must have fancied myself a young Thomas deQuincy, Aldous Huxley or Baudelaire, but with less insight into the human condition and a penchant for spending eight paragraphs trying to remember the word my friend Matt used to describe a particular girl’s tits. I still remember all the comments it received from friends who were concerned about my well-being.
One day in 2007 I told Zoya I couldn’t think of anything to blog about, and she suggested I share my old Livejournal entries with my new Swan Fungus audience. Ingenious. Those stories are way more interesting than anything I could make up on the spot right now. Wouldn’t you rather hear about me getting high than hear my point of view on Libya or Bigfoot or whatever Amelia McDick-Party is writing about on The Frisky? Good! Because that’s what I’m going to do!
Here’s the very first Livejournal entry I ever wrote. It’s a doozy. I even gave it the perfect subject line for one’s first Livejournal entry, “I’m The Asshole.” Of course, this was back during my I-only-use-lowercase-letters phase, so that wasn’t the exact title…
12-31-2003 @ 03:17:36am “i’m the asshole”
i heard the world is going to end at midnight tomorrow. no not tomorrow tonight. something about computers not working. it’s gonna set off all the world’s nukes and the only place we’ll be able to seek shelter is in that twinkie factory a few towns over.
i’ve killed way too many brain cells in the past two weeks. i mean, dope and booze and pills aside, last night i even whip-it’d an entire container of whipped cream whilst having a random encounter at 711 with a girl named jenn i used to have a big crush on back in high school. matt congratulated me afterwords. he said my ability to make the most mundane, everyday conversation completely awkward was impressive. i could see jenn’s eyebrows furrowing further and further as i mumbled random phrases and one word answers to her questions. the goodbye was even better, it was one of those ones where you’re looking at each other for a good two minutes without speaking and then all of a sudden you blurt out something like “”ok… well… yup”" and then kind of shuffle off toward the slurpee machine.
so i can’t remember the past four days. i’m sorry, but i just can’t. don’t feel bad, it’s no one’s fault but mine. time moves at random intervals and everything is running together in unfamiliar fashion. so drugged.
i just found out a very important feature of this website. someone IMed me a url, i clicked it, and then when i thought “”oh no it’s going to open in the same window and i’ll lose everything i just wrote!”" i clicked the back button and wham! it was all here. fucking WHAM! capital letters are for geeks and pedophiles.
i guess proper protocol would be to introduce myself, but anyone who knows me would say that i’m the last person you’d want to hear it from. now, i’m not a betting man, but i’m willing to wager that this will quickly become one of the most self-deprecating and jaded dairies hosted on this server. i can also promise that more often than not i will be fucked up when i write in this thing. for example, tonight i’ve been inhaling grass and imbibing maker’s mark.
what’s with girls and eskimo boots? all of a sudden it’s this big rage. all these girls wear the same off-white colored boots with their jeans rolled up on top of them. how do they coordinate this shit? quiet, the sadam hussein looking guy is on the telemundo channel saying something to me in spanish. i think he said something about a chicken. what’s “iraq” mean? is that the past perfect of chicken?
sometimes when i’m high i like to play this game where i say the same childish phrase over and over again until it makes no sense and i’m not sure i’m speaking english anymore. other times i like to
oh wait, i totally forgot that while i was taking a piss before i found some old pills in my mom’s ex-medicine cabinet (I’M A CHILD OF DIVORCE GIVE ME A BREAK) while i was exploring for pills to increase my high. and then i played a game where i would stare at myself in the mirror while i sang boys ii men to myself in the mirror. only i wasn’t allowed to laugh. thems the rules. no good pills though. i rx-list.com’d everything i found and the most exciting discovery was a pill that stop you from peeing when you’re an old woman. i popped three to see what’d happen.
alright bladder, it’s you against science. prove me wrong.
i’m waiting…
Broadcast with The Focus Group – A Medium’s High
Minimal Man – High Way
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