Ah, news. Smart people read it, smarter people and wordplay nerds make lynching jokes out of it. Remember when this blog meant something? And every Saturday I’d share all the weird news stories I’d read during the preceding week? I don’t either. But it happened! Check the archives! Well those days are long gone, now. This page is irrelevant. There is no longer any rhyme or reason to my posts. Who would have thought taking a month off from blogging would decimate my audience? Had I known I’d lose 1/3 of my readers I’d have kept it up even though I didn’t want to. Oh well. I’m slowly building my readership back up, one day at a time. But hey, this post isn’t about me (oh yes it is), so let’s you and I (but mostly I…well…only I) talk about what’s in the news.
• A few weeks ago Anthony Bourdain was in town filming an episode of No Reservations (spoiler: I saw him shooting a segment at Tacos Villa Corona, which is near where I work and home to an amazing breakfast burrito that costs three bucks). A few days later he made headlines for criticizing celebrity chefs in an interview with TV Guide. In short, Bourdain said that Paula Dean’s food sucks, and she’s evil because she takes joy in the fact that her food isn’t good for you. I mean, to be fair, The Lady And Sons in Savannah is a pretty bad restaurant, but Paula Dean didn’t prepare my meal for me so I can’t say her food sucks. But I’ve definitely read and heard about how unhealthy her recipes are. But let’s be fair. Sometimes she gives really good advice on her cooking shows. Like when she recommended putting butter on the oven mitt to keep it from chafing my penis. [story]
• A Domino’s Pizza commercial airing in Japan lays out the company’s plan for setting up a franchise on the moon. Apparently — and I didn’t know this because I have a life and really couldn’t give a fuck — Domino’s (time out: what’s the correct way to show possession using Domino’s? It’s already in the possessive form. Would it be Domino’s'? That looks retarded! Would you change it to Dominos’? SOMEBODY ANSWER ME!) biggest rival Pizza Hut delivered a pizza to astronauts orbiting earth in 2001. So this is, I guess, Domino’s idea of one-upmanship. Maybe they should focus a little less on building a Domino’s on the moon and a little more on making pizza that doesn’t taste like wet cardboard. Does anyone even eat Domino’s outside of college dorm rooms? You know what? Don’t answer that question. If you eat shitty chain pizza you might want to keep it to yourself. Unless of course you want to boast about how much Little Caesar’s Crazy Bread you can put away. That might impress me. [story]
• Have you ever seen a black hole eating another black hole? Neither have I, but I imagine it would resemble the hole that swallowed my dick last night. Oh, wait. Space.com (yes, it exists) has a photograph if it. The black hole. Check it out. [story]
• Speaking of which, a New Mexico police officer was caught by a surveillance camera having sex with a woman on the hood of a car in full uniform. I love how the news report makes sure to point out that the cop was IN FULL UNIFORM, as if that’s some huge No-No which somehow transforms this story from an offbeat news item into an examination of what it means to carry a badge, to serve and protect, and all that other police bullshit. Do you commit this much space on your news program to stories about policemen brutalizing people for no reason? I’m pretty sure most of the time cops use excessive force on a citizen they’re doing so in uniform. I’d say that’s way worse than getting your dick wet. And people fuck in full uniform all the time. Have you ever been to an sex dungeon? Why weren’t you on the scene at my high school when we all got blowjobs after the big basketball game IN FULL UNIFORM. Hell, there were five or six of us there! That’s like 500% more uniform sex scandal than your puny cop-sex story! [story]
In other news, Elton John just finished recording his first black metal album. I can’t wait to hear it:
Circus Mort – Swallow You
MetroPak – You’re A Rebel
Leave a comment