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Letters To No One: McDonald’s

05 Oct 2011

Letters To No One: McDonald's

Dear McDonald’s,

What the fuck? No, seriously. What. The. Fuck. Nobody on this planet (except for maybe Nate or Landon) plays your annual McDopoly game with more ardor than I do. I’ve put dietary restrictions on hold for you. I’ve sacrificed my health (surely you’ve read a study or two on how unhealthy your product is?) for you. I’ve even committed crimes in your name (ok, so maybe a buck or two from my freshman roommate’s change jar doesn’t quite amount to robbery). All for the chance to win cash and prizes from McDonald’s Monopoly (herein referred to as McDopoly). The sustenance is an afterthought. The game pieces and potential loot are what I care about.

So you could imagine my horror today when I peeled a McDopoly game piece off my 10-piece chicken nuggets to find that I had won a free breakfast sandwich. What’s so horrifying about that, you ask? Well…the game piece says, “ANY BREAKFAST SANDWICH (EXCLUDES McMUFFIN).”

Are you fucking kidding me? Is there even another breakfast sandwich available at McDonald’s? Isn’t your menu just McMuffins and breakfast wraps? I mean, is this even a prize if you’re offering me a free breakfast sandwich that you don’t even offer? I thought the Egg McMuffin was your signature breakfast item. Don’t tell me all those commuters lined up at your drive-thru every morning are jonesing for a fucking hash brown. That’d be some real bullshit. I might even go so far as to say that after the Big Mac and maybe Chicken McNuggets, the Egg McMuffin might be the most widely-known and revered item on your menu. Hell, it might even be most renowned breakfast sandwich in the world. Egg McMuffins have been synonymous with breakfast for as long as I can remember. In high school it was a big fucking deal to get out the door and on my way to school with enough time to stop off for an Egg McMuffin. And any time a functional alcoholic slacker like myself is awake before 11am it might as well be a holiday. Now you’ve gone and taken that potential joy from me and turned it into a smoldering pile of horse shit. Thanks for the Horseshit McNOTHING, guys.

Why don’t you just give away Snack Wraps and Salads if you’re so intent on fucking with your customers? Why should you stop at letting down just a fraction of the people who eat at McDonalds and instead let everybody down? Because that’s the impression I’m getting from you. That you don’t care. I mean, I know the biggest markup on product is fries and soda so it doesn’t matter that much if you give those things away for free…but how expensive can an Egg McMuffin be? Surely it’s less expensive to produce than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Right? Are shitty egg and ham costs so exorbitant these days…is the economy in such utter peril that you REALLY need to exclude the Egg McMuffin from your McDopoly food prizes? FUCK YOU.

I don’t know if I can keep playing this game (who am I kidding, of course I can!). I don’t know if I feel comfortable giving money to McDonald’s when all I get in return is heartbreak. There, I said it. You broke my heart, McDonald’s.

Guys, that’s it. I can’t do this anymore. I’m anorexic again.

Sincerely,
Evan LeVine
Food Enthusiast, McMuffin Consumer


16 Comments on Letters To No One: McDonald’s

  1. Tyler Kent

    The Egg McMuffin, the original with Canadian Bacon, is absofuckinglutely McDonald’s finest creation.
    I first tasted this perfect breakfast sammich circa 1975 or so when our family packed into our station wagon for our annual vacation and we’d stop at McDs for sustenance on the way from Chicago to Colorado or Hilton Head Island in South Carolina (where we ended up living from ’77 til ’83). I’ve been eating them ever since. The one that replaces the Canadian Bacon with sausage? Meh. Gots to be the original… and I’ll take 2, maybe 3, depending on appetite, thanks.

    NP – The Groundhogs / Split

  2. Angelica

    Holy shit, I could not believe this fucking game piece when I saw it either, a major disappointment indeed, such that I had to Google to see that I was not alone! Oh, and also wondered what breakfast sandwich one could get if not a Mcmuffin? Fuck it, forget it…it is a low blow for McDonalds considering its the only breakfast sandwich one would want from them! Wtfuckem’!

  3. Matt

    Not sure why they would exclude McMuffins, but it is far from the only sandwich. There are also all the biscuit sandwiches, the bagel sandwiches and I think they still make McGriddles don’t they?

  4. bert

    Who the fuck is up before 10:30 in the morning to get breakfast? Not this shut in. I only eat the McDoubles anyway.

  5. Joel

    Seriously ridiculous! I swear every other food item on their menu makes me sick to my stomach. Never a problem with the ole Egg McMuffin!
    Was so fucking stoked when I actually won this morning too…

  6. Derrick

    I was totally thinking that at first. If I “won” a McD’s Breakfast Sandwich, why in the bluest of blue hells hells can’t I get a Mc Muffin? They got to be cheapening up or something!

    But then I found out that you CAN get the Bacon Egg and Cheese Bagel or the Steak Egg and Cheese bagel, which are more expensive sandwiches.

    This leads me to believe that this is a sneaky marketing gimmick way to get you to try either of the Bagel sandwiches, the biscuit sandwiches or the Mc Griddles, because the Egg McMuffin and the variants really need no introduction.

  7. Me

    I got one of these too and googled it to see if others had the same sentiments. Your article perfectly expresses how I feel good job!

  8. mike

    the reason they dont allow you to get a mcmuffin is because you get 2 more game pieces on the mcmuffin. they dont want you to just keep winning free stuff.

  9. John

    The internet has once again put to prose what I am feeling in the moment.

    Bravo sir.

  10. Marcie

    So apparently I’m not the only one that googled this nonsense! Here’s the kicker…I bought an Egg McMuffin for breakfast yesterday morning and won the Free Breakfast Sandwich monopoly piece (Excluding the McMuffin). So you can buy one, but you can’t win one, eh? Nice…
    So this morning I went to cash in my game piece, and got the bacon, egg, and cheese bagel which was at least 50 cents more…but you don’t get 2 more game pieces like you do on the McMuffin.
    What baffles my mind though is that you get 2 game pieces on a $1 hash brown…so shouldn’t you get at least 4 pieces on the McMuffin? Food for thought…

  11. TIMAY!

    Googled this same nonsense. Unbelievable, I don’t like any of their other breakfast stuff. One free coupon in the trash!

  12. netty

    No to mention you can’t get an egg white delight sandwich. At least the mcdonalds I went to wouldn’t give me that sandwich. They clamed the egg white delight is excluded because the sandwhich uses the mc muffin bread. Really? I won the damn game peice on the egg white delight. Makes no fing sence!

  13. Bigdicrick

    I want my egg mcmuffin McDonald’s why you be trippin? I can’t believe us all googling this major issue. I’m glad to see I’m not alone!

  14. Name

    McDonald’s Monopoly prizes won’t give you any items that could give you more Monopoly prizes.

  15. shath

    I got this shitty game piece today and a little piece of me died inside. Only rage and spite occupy that place now…

    McGriddle… McBagel… we have no use for these second-rate breakfast configurations.

    McMuffin is the pinnacle of breakfast technology. Long live the McMuffin!

  16. utterdisbelief

    I bet my daughters that i was not the only one who was completely pissed off and offended by getting this game piece. Seriously, am i going to eat a mcgriddle? I’m going tomorrow to my local mcdonalds and breaking their balls on this one. If i cant have an egg mcmuffin then just give me marvin gardens and let me throw it away.

    Evan’s intial post (2 years ago by the way) captures my sentiments exactly!!!!!!


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