Letters To No One: McDonald’s
What the fuck? No, seriously. What. The. Fuck. Nobody on this planet (except for maybe Nate or Landon) plays your annual McDopoly game with more ardor than I do. I’ve put dietary restrictions on hold for you. I’ve sacrificed my health (surely you’ve read a study or two on how unhealthy your product is?) for you. I’ve even committed crimes in your name (ok, so maybe a buck or two from my freshman roommate’s change jar doesn’t quite amount to robbery). All for the chance to win cash and prizes from McDonald’s Monopoly (herein referred to as McDopoly). The sustenance is an afterthought. The game pieces and potential loot are what I care about.
So you could imagine my horror today when I peeled a McDopoly game piece off my 10-piece chicken nuggets to find that I had won a free breakfast sandwich. What’s so horrifying about that, you ask? Well…the game piece says, “ANY BREAKFAST SANDWICH (EXCLUDES McMUFFIN).”
Are you fucking kidding me? Is there even another breakfast sandwich available at McDonald’s? Isn’t your menu just McMuffins and breakfast wraps? I mean, is this even a prize if you’re offering me a free breakfast sandwich that you don’t even offer? I thought the Egg McMuffin was your signature breakfast item. Don’t tell me all those commuters lined up at your drive-thru every morning are jonesing for a fucking hash brown. That’d be some real bullshit. I might even go so far as to say that after the Big Mac and maybe Chicken McNuggets, the Egg McMuffin might be the most widely-known and revered item on your menu. Hell, it might even be most renowned breakfast sandwich in the world. Egg McMuffins have been synonymous with breakfast for as long as I can remember. In high school it was a big fucking deal to get out the door and on my way to school with enough time to stop off for an Egg McMuffin. And any time a functional alcoholic slacker like myself is awake before 11am it might as well be a holiday. Now you’ve gone and taken that potential joy from me and turned it into a smoldering pile of horse shit. Thanks for the Horseshit McNOTHING, guys.
Why don’t you just give away Snack Wraps and Salads if you’re so intent on fucking with your customers? Why should you stop at letting down just a fraction of the people who eat at McDonalds and instead let everybody down? Because that’s the impression I’m getting from you. That you don’t care. I mean, I know the biggest markup on product is fries and soda so it doesn’t matter that much if you give those things away for free…but how expensive can an Egg McMuffin be? Surely it’s less expensive to produce than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Right? Are shitty egg and ham costs so exorbitant these days…is the economy in such utter peril that you REALLY need to exclude the Egg McMuffin from your McDopoly food prizes? FUCK YOU.
I don’t know if I can keep playing this game (who am I kidding, of course I can!). I don’t know if I feel comfortable giving money to McDonald’s when all I get in return is heartbreak. There, I said it. You broke my heart, McDonald’s.
Guys, that’s it. I can’t do this anymore. I’m anorexic again.
Food Enthusiast, McMuffin Consumer
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