McDopoly 2011

A few years ago a blogger by the name of Penelope Trunk posted an innocent link to one of my rants against Baby Boomers. She must attract more readers than this blog, because even to this day her website remains the 44th ranked traffic source for Swan Fungus. She’s referred more people to this website than Twitter AND Bono Sucks dot org. Pretty impressive! Anyway, Penelope recently tackled the difficult question, “How to write a blog post people love.” Because she’s an expert, I guess. “Start strong.” “Be short.” “Have a genuine connection.” “Be passionate.” “Have one good piece of research.” This is her recipe for success. Or, as I like to call it, The Trunk Formula Method. WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE TRUNK FORMULA METHOD ALREADY EXISTS!? WELL HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT’S THE NAME OF THE MOST-WIDELY EMPLOYED METHOD OF APPRAISING LANDSCAPE OR AMENITY TREES!? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, ASSHOLE!

I used to follow Penelope on Twitter because I fantasize about banging single mothers, but when I realized she tweets too much I went permanently soft.

In a related story about writing, the dudes (are there ladies?) at Lifehacker featured a post by an author who says the trick to improving one’s writing is — wait for it — write more! Don’t care what you’re writing about, just do it! Start a blog! Pretend that you care about what you’re saying to people!

Yeah, already there guy. Been doing it for five years. And I still suck at it. So what’s your advice for someone who has done it everyday (ok, 98% of the time), who has been “clear, crisp [and] honest,” about what he sees in the world (especially when it comes to PUSSY, amiright!?) and still can’t crack that elusive ONE MILLION VISITORS PER DAY barrier? Huh, guy? What’s your advice for that!!!

Sorry I’m so ornery tonight. I can’t stop thinking about how I had a ten minute conversation with the valet at Red O the other night about McDonald’s Monopoly game. It started on the 27th, and I still haven’t stopped in to buy my first McDopoly meal. So…that’s what I’m going to do now. Ten piece nuggets, medium fries, medium soda (not for me, for someone else, I stopped drinking soda two months ago). Six game pieces. Six chances to win. Let McDopoly 2011 begin!

B People – I Said Everybody