After 18 grueling months, I’m back on the iPhone train. I couldn’t stand how horrible that Android operating system was, how un-user-friendly it was, and how poorly-functional the apps were. Between the incessant pocket calls (even with a security lock implemented!), the constantly crashing applications and the frozen operating system…I swear to God I’ve wanted to throw this phone into the ocean almost since the day I got it.
Okay, maybe not all Droids suck. There has to be a reason that it’s the most popular phone operating system in the world. Maybe it was just my version of the phone, the Motorola Droid. I originally switched from the iPhone to the Droid because AT&T had terrible service. My friend Mark let me try out his cellphone and it seemed awesome. Remember two years ago Gmail wasn’t very functional with the iPhone, there was no Verizon iPhone, and everyone was raving about how amazing the Android operating system was. It seemed like a no-brainer to make the switch.
Things were cool between me and Droid, for a while. We got along. I could Gchat with my friends from work. There were probably other things I liked about the phone, too. It’s just so hard to remember now. I’ve been hating my phone for so long I’ve forgotten about the good times. But I still recall the first problems I encountered. The Google Maps app was more difficult to control than the iPhone Maps app. Verizon makes you pay for visual voicemail. Whenever I wanted to use certain apps I would be prompted to see if I wanted to use the app or the web browser. Why would i download an app if I wanted to use the web version!? That seemed retarded. Also, changing various settings for the phone and downloaded applications proved difficult, and user control was more limited than I was accustomed to.
The problems began to increase in number and irritability. An update to Twitter for Android crashed repeatedly for weeks upon installation. I actually downgraded to the original version of the program for months until another upgrade was available. Maps constantly switched between the program and the browser. I’d try to dial a number and the phone would freeze. A few hours later, with the phone either in my pocket or set aside while at work, it would complete the previously attempted call. The camera barely functioned. Once a picture was snapped, it wouldn’t save to my camera roll. Sometimes the camera would turn itself on and refuse to turn off. Runkeeper died. What the fuck was the point of that “App Killer” thing everyone said to download? The battery sucked. At one point I couldn’t even keep the sync enabled because it would drain so much energy trying to keep my inbox up to date. Eventually, the phone all but stopped working. For every app I launched, I’d have to uncover and remove the battery, resetting the phone, because every time I’d try to exit back to the home screen the phone would freeze. Fucking awful.
The good news is, Droid is going to die a painful death. The aforementioned friend who turned me onto Droid, Mark, has also ditched his barely-functional phone for an iPhone. Together we’ve devised a Droidlympics event to determine which of our phones is the lesser of two evils. Competitions will include a swim meet (where we drop our phones into a pitcher of water to determine which one can float the longest before hitting the bottom), a gymnastics event (okay, we’re going to throw our phones out a third story window and see which doesn’t break), a strongman contest (we reverse a car over it to see if it can carry the car), and then lastly we’ll do something called the rain of fire, which will either be tossing the phones into a deep fryer, or tossing them into a bonfire. Either, it’ll be really gratifying to watch my Droid die a horrible death.
Of course, I’ll feel terrible if my phone enters the Droidlympics without my having saved or backed-up all the filthy photos my female suitorettes have taken to sending me. With my luck Droid will accidentally post them to Twitter when I try to export them from the phone.
Red Asphalt – Phone Call From God [MP3]
February 2nd, 2012
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