While You Were Out: Weekly World (W)News

Okay, let’s get back into the swing of things with an exciting news update! So much has happened in the world since I penned a proper blog entry, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least call attention to some major (okay, mostly marginalized) news stories. By the way, I’m not planning on taking any vacations for a while so you can breathe a sigh of relief — it’s going to be Treasures From The Collectors’ Slum, Adventures In Dating and my usually antics for the foreseeable future. And once my marathon training ends (10 days!) there are a slew of blog-related projects ready to be undertaken. Is that statement grammatically correct? Whatever. Here’s your news.

• A new study has found that coma victims are aware of their condition. Too bad they aren’t aware of how silly they look, laying there, sometimes drooling, generally being a nuisance to all the people who are paid to look after them and make sure that all the machines hooked up to them are fully-functional. [story]

• Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees is battling liver cancer. Depending on what source you read (Radar, Daily Mirror, CNN.com) his prognosis is totally up in the air. Some say he’s going to live, some say these are his final days. If he does pass away in the near future, one thing is certain: there will be a flood of “Stayin’ Alive” jokes posted across the Internet on websites, blogs (websites’ loser cousin!), Twitter and Facebook. So now I’ve gotten my joke out of the way, and I’ve pretty much beaten the rest of the world to the punch…line. [story]

• If it’s true that we’re all separated by 4.74 degrees (instead of the 6 we USED to be separated by), how come when I was in India that really cute IT chick at the palace in Agra wouldn’t come into my room and fuck me? Maybe if I had Internet access at the time I could’ve signed into Facebook and shown her how one of my friends likely knows one of her friends, and that’s why it would be okay for me to have lots of unprotected sex with her. If you’re reading this sentence, odds are you know someone I know. At least, that’s according to the New York Times, and last I checked they were a somewhat reliable source. Useless, but reliable. Just like your mother’s pussy. [story]

• My uncle went to Penn State, but everyone else in my extended family went to Northwestern, so although I never really rooted for them, I always had a lot of respect for coach Joe Paterno. Which is why i was saddened to hear that he was diagnosed with lung cancer recently. He gave a press conference shortly after he was fired (I think? Or was that before he was fired?) where he spoke about his health woes. He also used his very treatable form of lung cancer as his excuse for not “blowing the whistle” on the guy on his coaching staffed who raped all those children…a joke I thought was in poor taste. [story]

• Never ones to sleep on a hot news story, Fox News is reporting that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in assassinating John F. Kennedy in 1963. Sorry, I love “historians” and “science” as much as the next guy, but I love Oliver Stone’s movie JFK more than both of those things, so I’m going to continue to believe in its historical accuracy over anything else I see or hear or read. And when I have children (don’t tie your tubes just yet, ladies!) I’m going to teach them that JFK was a documentary filmed in real-time and Kevin Costner was the greatest man who ever lived. By the way, if you want to pay me to homeschool your own kids, just make sure they’re not attractive. I’m obligated by law to inform you that I…ah, screw it. I think it’s okay if I don’t comply with my sex offender registration requirements just this one. [story]

• According to the BBC, a refined version of the experiment that showed neutrinos could travel faster than light is repeated, and it came to the same conclusion: Neutrinos broke light speed. Great. Thanks a lot, neutrinos. Now we’re going to have to find someone who can fix it. [story]

• Hulk Hogan apparently got taken to the cleaners during his divorce from his wife (insert clothesline joke here). According to the St. Petersburg (Florida, not Russia!) Times, his ex-wife won 70% of their savings and investments, 40% ownership in Hulk’s business ventures, $3 million in property and assists, and a bunch of cool-sounding cars. So I guess Hulk Hogan has no money now. His old theme song, “I Am A Real American” has never been more appropriate. [story]

• A few weeks ago a company called BucketFeet tweeted at me asking if I would like to write a feature about them in exchange for a free pair of shoes. My response was that I would gladly promote the company if they promised to donate the pair of shoes to a needy child, because that’s the kind of person I am: always thinking about those less fortunate than myself. BucketFeet was started by a college student who took white canvas sneakers and turned them into “wearable art,” selling them out of his apartment. Guest artists often collaborate to create unique, limited edition shoes, and every BucketFeet purchase goes towards supporting partner organizations such as MAGIC, love.futbol and Children Mending Hearts. So buy a pair of shoes and help those in need. After all, it’s the season of giving! [BucketFeet]

Candidate – Twilight [MP3]