I had planned on spoofing The Frisky’s Holiday Gift Guide last week after the website’s slutty editoress Amelia IM’d me asking about gift ideas a girlfriend should by for a boy she’s in a serious relationship with. After rattling off all the terrible gifts I’ve gotten from serious girlfriends in my life (a gold bracelet? a board game? a thermos? a teddy bear with my girlfriend’s name stitched into the belly?), I thought a great idea for a blog post would be the ten gifts you should give someone with whom you want to break up. Number one would have been “A Groupon,” because nothing says Fuck You like a partial gift certificate. A Groupon is another way of telling someone you don’t love them enough to treat them to a fancy dinner, but you’re willing to put up fifteen or twenty bucks to cover the first thirty or forty on your bill. Alas, I got sidetracked by the squirter chick I interviewed and that Frisky story about the chick with the gnarly pubes and I never got around to it. Lucky for me, today Amelia tweeted a link to another hilarious article I’d like to parody.
That said, in honor of The Frisky’s (via Ami Angelowicz) list of “12 Guys Not To Date In 2012″ list, here’s twelve girls I’ll try steer clear of (but probably sleep with anyway) in 2012.
12 Girls I Won’t Fuck In 2012
12. The Girl Who Can’t Handle Unsteadiness – What else would you call this, polygamy? Non-commitment? I hate that expression “Friends With Benefits,” but I’m referring to a girl whom you’re keeping things casual with — and you think she’s cool with it — until she can no longer handle casualness. Until she inquires about officialness. Until she asks for a commitment. I won’t dismiss the idea of exclusivity in 2012, but if any commitment is expected at the outset it will be a commitment to non-commitment .
11. The Blackout Go-To Girl – There’s nothing worse than going out and getting loaded only to come to the next morning in a bed that’s not yours, with someone you swore after the last time you’d never fuck again. For me in 2011 it was a budding comedienne I would routinely text from various bars around the city well when I was drunk. She wasn’t really what we’d call “attractive,” but she was usually there to respond to late-night texts and I’m notoriously stubborn (and shallow!) when I’m drunk. And during every shameful morning (or 4am if I suddenly came to and realized where I was) drive home I’d curse myself. Luckily this is 2011 and no one memorizes phone numbers anymore, so all it took to end our brief dalliances was a swift removal from my phone’s contacts list. No more drunken texts, no more mistakes. Let’s keep that going in 2012.
10. The Yelp Addict – It starts so innocently. A girl sends you a message or compliment about your Yelp reviews, she adds you as a friend, and then next thing you know you’re wrist deep in her, over coffee and cupcakes, at an outdoor cafe in the valley. But it doesn’t take long to realize that girls who are addicted to Yelp can be addicted to much more than silly little websites. Some are even capable of stalking you (they see what bars you check-into and show up alone claiming to be meeting friends who never arrive, they figure out where you eat lunch the most and start frequenting the same places) and before you know it you’ve abandoned Yelp in favor of Web MD, where you spend hours researching addiction and it’s psychological/pathological links to mental illness.
09. The Cougar With Neurotic Problems – I’ll keep this one short and simple. If you meet a woman at a bar and she says she’s 34, then she takes you home and lets you indulge every perverted fantasy your heart desires, THEN announces she lied about her age…you shouldn’t be shocked when you turn your phone on after work the next day and you have 120 TEXT MESSAGES FROM HER. I lived the cougar dream in 2011. I’m setting an age/decade limit in 2012.
08. The Fresh-Faced LA Transplant – These poor little girls move to LA from places like Indiana or Maryland with dreams of striking it rich, and they have no friends and they don’t know anything about the city, and after a week of fun you start to feel like a babysitter who also sometimes gets to fuck the babysitee (is that a word? oh well, it is now). If she can’t assimilate quickly enough to make one single friend other than me within her first month here, there’s something wrong with her.
07. The Recovering Drug Addict – I met a girl who used to be addicted to painkillers. On our first date we bonded about our love of opioids of varying strengths. She told me a story about how when she moved to LA from Jersey her first roommate was the daughter of a pharmacist, and it was the worst thing that could have happened to her. By the end of the night she was calling that same girl — who she had just referred to as “the most pernicious influence ever” — to score for her (and by her I guess I mean us). To no one’s surprise we never hooked up again.
06. The Guy’s Girl – It seems like a perfect fit from the start. You meet at a sports bar and you root for the same team. She can pound shots, handle other party favors, and she’s got a more-than-healthy sexual appetite. But after a while all the burgers and the pizza and pitchers of beer begin to wear thin, and you find yourself wishing she’d show up wearing something other than jeans and a Mets snapback. Call me crazy, but I like a little woman in my woman.
05. The 20-Year Old – That was dumb. What the fuck can you do in this town for fun at night when your date can’t even get into a bar? It kind of sucks when the only time you can drink together is in your home (which just feels awkward) or at a house party. Once the allure of banging someone who was born in the ’90s (!!!) wears off, you start to realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. For starters, she probably doesn’t have enough experience in the sack to make up for the fact that she’s not even old enough to be a college graduate. Also, if she can’t remember hearing Nevermind for the first time in 1991 maybe you should look for a girl who’s slightly older.
04. The Newly Minted Single Gal – You should not help a chick who is recently single get back on the saddle. There are a million reasons why it’s the worst idea imaginable. Why? Because guys are different than girls. For men, sex rarely elicits an emotional response. We don’t attach feelings or significance to intercourse. We just have that primal urge to reproduce (although it’s less about actual reproduction than it is pleasure). Women, conversely, are endlessly conflating sex with meaningful amorous intentions. So when you meet a recently single girl the very last thing you should do is try to fuck her. There’s so much bullshit spinning in her brain it can only lead to disaster. Of course, there’s nothing more attractive to men than a chick who is a total mess, so I doubt I’ll be able to follow through with this in 2012.
03. The Struggling Actress – If she’s not receiving validation from casting directors, she’s going to seek it elsewhere. Because of this, struggling actresses seem like a fun roll in the hay. They’ll do anything to please you, because you’ll provide them with the attention and approval they so desperately seeks. Seriously. They’ll do anything. It’ll be the best, freakiest, ridiculous sex you’ve ever experienced. A struggling actress practically debase herself just to see you happy. In the end, she’ll either cease struggling and your sex life will go to shit, or she’ll keep struggling and you’ll decide you want to date a girl who does more than serve coffee or answer phones all day.
02. The Girl With Exotic Pets – Having a pig squealing and pissing all over the floor, while trying to navigate a full-sized bed covered in cats and dogs, in a tiny one-bedroom apartment in Van Nuys, was easily the most uncomfortable sex I’ve ever had.
01. The Girl You Should Have Boned Long Ago Who Wants To Bone Now – You already have a history together, and that history is predicated upon your not getting together. You’ll have way too many conversations about why back then was not the right time for both of you. Neither party is willing to admit that it wasn’t the right time for a reason, and it’s impossible to manufacture a “right time” in the here-and-now. Everything feels forced, and it’s so painfully obvious to both of you that you’ll rather it go unsaid than someone call attention to it. I received two phone calls in the month after my Facebook status changed from “In A Relationship” to “Single” from girls who I flirted with or dated briefly but never fucked while I was previously single. I pursued both options, sealed the deal, and neither was of any consequence. Like I said, you cannot manufacture a “right time” because if there was a connection years ago it would have led to sex years ago. Missed connections are “missed” with good reason. Now you’re both older, you’ve likely grown even further apart, and where once there was a narrow rift between you, now there is a deep and unconquerable crevasse. C’est la vie, Missed Connections.
Mikal Cronin – Gone [MP3]