Often I am reminded there is a fine line between satire and insensitivity. Sometimes a friend will nudge me, and sometimes I’ll be spoken to in stern tones. Like a child who has knowingly committed a misdeed. It’s not just exasperated friends questioning my writing style…my uniquely unclean phraseology. My own mother takes me to task for striving to pass off such exaggerated commentaries with a straight face. She will reminisce about the parent-principal conference we were not-so-subtly invited to during my senior year of high school. I will be asked, again, to recall how my eyes widened when Mr. Walker informed me that what I publish on the Internet isn’t accessible only to people who know me and my sense of humor. “Sure you think it’s witty and fun,” goes the lecture, “but it is not fun for the people on the receiving end.”
I hate to admit when others are right.
More than a handful of people expressed disappointment in me over my “12 Girls I Won’t Fuck In 2012″ blog entry. My initial reaction was to say, “Fuck you. I’ve been doing this for six years and now you’re offended? Go away. Stop reading.” Instead I chose not to offer a comeback. The list of generic female stereotypes I depicted in that post screams “MISOGYNIST!” I laugh at that notion because, well, I know I do not hate women. Alas, the epiphany I had when Mr. Walker told me that not just my little circle of friends can access my writing reared its head again yesterday as I responded to text messages, e-mails and Facebook posts filled with contempt.
Oh, life lessons. It’s like they stay with you for your entire life! They should call ‘em –oh, wait. They already do call ‘em life lessons.
To sit here and defend my belief in women’s rights would be futile. Like the guy who makes a racist or anti-Semitic or homophobic remark and follows it up with, “But I have (insert smeared group) friends!” I would come across — and rightly so — as an imbecile. Plus, you know, those cliches…show/tell, actions/words…Yeah, those exist for a reason. The best course of action for me is to simply curb the derogatory “jokes” (scare quotes used to suggest they are, in fact, not funny) and tone down the caustic remarks and boorishness. Then readers won’t be forced to question my ideologies or assume I’m really as villainous as I appear in print. If everyone isn’t laughing along with me, it’s obviously not funny. If people are offended, my writing style needs to be tweaked. Perhaps more importantly, if I have resorted to the lazy trope that shock value plus extreme vulgarity equals humor, I’m not doing myself justice as a writer.
This website has gotten boring. My outbursts are tired. And pathetic. I’ve committed the ultimate writerly sin: I’ve become formulaic. Whoever stumbles across this website deserves more than these half-assed efforts. I’ve already lost respect for myself for trying to keep it up as long as I have. I’ve played the role of asshole long enough. Hell, I haven’t even played it well. My performance sucks.
If I wrote that a change in direction has been a long-time coming I’d be taking undeserved credit. I’d be disregarding the private conversations as well as public comments that have influenced me. I have been defiant in defense of my writing for too long even though the quality has been shit. I can’t pretend I don’t care what people say about my attitude or intellect anymore than I can pretend that I’m proud of what I’ve written.
So, fuck it, I’ll just stop. It’s possible to make a point without resorting to low-minded speak. One can rant and still sound smart. At least I think that’s true. I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.
I hope you all have a happy and safe New Year’s Eve. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret. Don’t stop reading this blog in 2012. I’ll do my best to keep you entertained. Oh, and I’ll try really hard not to get distracted and mentally check-out halfway through a blog post. That’s happened way too frequently this year.
Beulah – A Man Like Me [MP3]
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