We all have female friends who are sexually active. Some of us have even seen them engage in intercourse, or worse, heard the gory details afterwards when it concerns a good friend of ours. Like I care what my friends’ cocks look like or feel like. Isn’t it just like a woman to think men care about that shit? No thanks. we just want you to tell us about all your girl-friends and whether they have inie or outie vaginas. Spare us the dick talk. And let us know who’s fucking gnarly beef curtains to steer clear of.
I have this female friend. I won’t bother divulging her name because she takes pride in her anonymity. Especially when it comes to having conversations about her sex life, when she knows I’m typing every word she speaks. At those moments, she definitely prefers to remain anonymous.
Today I asked her to come over so that Dave and I could interview her –on the record, except for her name or the names of her partners — about her career as a squirter. It was a short career, longer than Sandy Koufax’s but shorter than Roger Clemens’. Sex isn’t baseball, so I can’t spit out a bunch of impressive stats, because I don’t think anyone really keeps track of squirting stats. What would a squirt stat actually look like? Average distance squirted? Most squirts in a game? What constitutes a game in squirting, is it an entire relationship? Is it one sexual encounter? So many questions about squirting…so little time.
So here are a few answers to Dave’s and mine questions about squirting. Enjoy!
How did you first found out that you were a squirter?
It was not my first time having sex. I was seventeen years old and it was with my brother’s roommate before they actually became roommates. I was at his place before he moved in with my brother. And, um, we had come home from a party and I stayed with him. And, uh, she — I’m sorry he — we fucked all night and it was in the dark, but…like, when I had to get up and go to the bathroom I noticed that there was, like, a big wet spot on the bed where we were fucking. And I was like, “Oh my god.” And it didn’t smell like urine, but I did have an amazing sexual time. And he was, like, “You’re a squirter,” and I was, like, “No!” And he was, like, “No you’re a squirter that’s fucking awesome!”
But you didn’t actually feel it happening during the process?
Well, I felt an orgasm. I had several orgasms.
But you didn’t recognize it as something new, or feel the…flush?
Well yeah, I didn’t feel it happen with the orgasm. But now that I’m twenty-seven years old I can control it.
Have you ever freaked a guy out?
Did he leave?
He didn’t leave…he just claimed that I pissed all over him. I told him I was a squirter and he didn’t know what a squirter was. He had no idea. He said, “That’s just a way of saying you pissed all over me and it’s fine. I don’t want golden showers. Get off me.” So I said, “I should go,” and I left.
What a dick. Has a guy ever been licking your box and you squirted in his face?
Tell us about it.
Before I dated my second ex-boyfriend he — sorry I — hooked up with this guy who I was friends with in college. And we’d always talk about how we loved giving head. And he said he could eat pussy all night. And I said that I could fucking suck dick. And we just talked back and forth all night about doing that, every time we’d be out together. You know, nasty talk. ‘Til one night when we got really good and flirty, and he went down on me for, like, over an hour. And it was awesome. He wasn’t lying. And I blew a load in his mouth.
Did he swallow? Did he keep the change?
Yeah. And then he kept licking my box. I felt really insecure when I felt the liquid coming. But he didn’t. He kept going. He said I tasted good. I don’t know, though…they all lie in bed.
Now’s a good time to get into the liquid aspect of it. Is it a clear liquid?
Yeah, it’s a clear liquid. It’s not white. It’s not jizz. You have a milky discharge in yours and that’s why it’s white. Like, if it were just the semen…semen would be clear. But in the process of getting the semen out of the penis there’s a milky discharge that covers the semen to protect them.
So it’s not like you have semen, so why is it clear?
The vagina is a constant-cleansing organism — sorry organ — so it’s always cleaning itself. So there will be times during the winter that you’ll pull your pants down to go to the bathroom and wipe yourself. Then you pull your pants back up and it’s cold against your vagina. And you’re, like, “Oooh oh oh oh ” because the stuff that’s been cleansed out of your vagina is on your underwear. That’s why it’s important for girls to change their underwear every day.
I never the vagina was a self-cleansing organism.
How many guys have you slept with?
I’m not going to share that information. Can I ballpark it?
Yeah, ballpark it.
Less than 100, more than 30.
That’s not a fucking ballpark, that’s a fucking nation. If you’re going to say less than 100 you have to say more than 80. You have to be within twenty.
Less than 80.
Less than 60?
Guys this is really personal information.
It’s anonymous! So between 30 and 60?
Yeah, we’ll say that.
No, is that in the ballpark or no?
I stopped counting at….36? I’d have to write my list down. I have it. My roommate and I did it when I was 22. We were both up to thirty-something. But that was four years ago.
Wait, you said you were 27.
No, I said 26.
I’m pretty sure somewhere before you said 27.
I’m 26. You’re thinking of someone else.
So when the dick is inside of you and you begin to squirt, does it actually almost push the dick out of your vag?
Yeah. Ok, well…what happens is…my kegels flex so they tighten, which is the muscle that helps to squirt the sexual juices of a woman. So when they are tightening, that is what causes the penis to be pushed out. Because there’s also squirt action coming as well. Now that I’ve held the squirt action long enough it’s just the tightening, so the dick doesn’t come out. That usually makes men come because it’s like having your dick grabbed onto.
Why did you stop squirting?
Because of that douchebag that thought I peed on him. When I tell guys that I’m a squirter sometimes they put a towel down on the bed like I’m a fucking baby. Whenever I have sex…afterwards we either have to change the sheets or put towels down, which is what I had to do with my second ex-boyfriend, because we’d go at it like fucking rabbits. I didn’t get self-conscious about that guy. He ate my load a couple times. The douchebag was after him. And my third ex-boyfriend thought that I’d peed on him too.
So when was this? When did you stop?
This past summer. I felt like I should stop.
How’d you do it? Was it hard?
Yeah. When the cock is inside me sometimes I feel like it’s coming. And there’s a place inside my vagina right behind my clit that…if you were to finger me and press it as you’re pulling out that’s what triggers the squirt. So I had to get a dildo and I started to do that to myself to train myself to not do it. And it’s made my orgasms that much better. I don’t feel self-conscious. I feel orgasms like I’ve never experienced. It used to just be all around the vagina and the chest — where I’d feel the orgasm — now it spreads out to my toes and fingers and it’s a full-body high. It’s unreal!
How long did you have to train before you were ready to get back in the game.
Well I trained with my finger for about three months until my fuck-buddy found out I was back in town. And we had a wild threesome and I squirted all over him. And he loves it. He would send me dirty texts about it. But I don’t like it. So when I did it with him it was okay, but I was upset at myself so that’s when I got the dildo and trained myself for another three months.
Wait, didn’t you squirt on [name removed]? He told me that.
Yeah, he told me that. He told me that your pussy just blew up and he said it was the wettest one he’s ever had. He said it was soaking wet and so were the sheets.
[Shrugs] That’s probably true. The sheets were wet because we had to wipe off his body. It was like, all over his stomach and chest.
So you’ve finished on a dude’s chest before.
Well, on his cock mainly. But the pressure built up so much that it just blew up on him.
And now you’re with a new guy who you really like…
I haven’t had sex with him.
Have you orgasmed for him yet?
How has he gotten you off? How does he make you orgasm? With his fingers?
How does he make you orgasm? With his fingers!?
I’m not admitting to anything.
It’s okay, I already know.
He can kiss me and I get wet. And then he’ll massage my clit and use his fingers on me.
Geez, how many hands does this guy have!
Uh…you can do all it with the thumb and fingers.
Oh…oh right. So are you like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off one of these days?
Do you think at this point you want to squirt for him?
Does he know that you used to be a squirter?
Yeah. I’ve told him.
Did you tell him? Or did I tell him?
[Laughter] You actually might have told him.
Do you forsee a day maybe when you’ll drop a load on him?
I mean…if I’m with him for a long time I don’t see why not. I just don’t feel comfortable with it. And like I said, since I’ve controlled it and trained my vagina not to do it…I’d be perfectly content with never doing it again. Because now my orgasms are unlike anything I’ve experienced. And why would I go back to second-rate orgasms?
Do you have any words of encouragement or support for other squirters out there?
As a squirter, it’s every individual’s option whether they’d like to continue it or not. If you constantly have to feel ashamed because of what people say to you…I understand. And there’s ways to train yourself to not do it anymore. But if you enjoy it, and the guy you’re with enjoys it too — or if you’re with a lady who enjoys it too — all the more power to you!
Squirt. Squirt everywhere.
Kool Keith – Sex Style [MP3]