• “Do couples influence each other’s drinking habits?” Must you even ask such a preposterous question, Newswise? Of course they do! I could never count the amount of times I’ve been driven to drink by girls I dated. I’m not saying binging when you’re pissed off or upset is a good thing, but there’s definitely a correlation to being in a relationship and the amount of binge drinking that occurs. And what’s worse, sometimes both partners like to drink, and then things get totally out of control. I guess in a perfect relationship you trade off who can drink each night and who has to drive, but — at least in my last relationship — I just drank and drove everywhere. And I’m sure the relationship promoted mutual binge drinking. Also living with full-fledged alcoholics can influence anyone to drink more. I guess what I’m saying is…I might be an alcoholic. [story]
• Congratulations, Missouri! I haven’t been inside you in four years, but according to News-Leader.com (that exists?), since then you’ve become the methamphetamine capital of the United States! By the end of the year 2,100 labs will have been busted in the state. That’s a lot of meth labs. Didn’t Montana used to be the meth capital of the country? When I was there every single billboard in Missoula was an anti-meth public service announcement, and streetwalkers all held up signs asking for money because they were sick with addiction. It was a pretty uncomfortable place to be…so I imagine Missouri must be pretty fucked up right now if it’s even worse than Montana six years ago. So…congrats, Missouri? [story]
• Everybody knows that women cry all the time. But what if a woman was allergic to her tears! Why, that sounds like a missing lyric from an Alanis Morrisette song about irony!!! It’s funny because women cry all the time. [story]
• Good news, everyone! NASA says that the world is not going to end on December 21st, 2012. I’ve been writing about this for years, because people — even some that I know — honestly think the world is going to end on that date. It’s complete bullshit. And now the really smart space people at NASA agree with me. It’s about time, I say. They should have offered me a job by now. I’m a rational, intelligent man who knows the world will never end. [story]
• Remember that time I saw that Ray Kurzweil documentary? The New York Times sure does! A recent article describe what the world might look like in the year 2076. But then they start talking about how the future is going to begin in 2020. So I’m not sure if the predictions they make are supposed to happen in eight years or in 65. Either way, they make Kurzweil’s predictions seem way more plausible then they would be had you heard them randomly out of context. The Times even goes so far as to say we’ll eventually plug our brains directly into the “Internet” (if it even exists in the same form in 2076) and we’ll have unlimited memory and communication ability. Finally, I’ll be able to return to France without feeling like everybody hates me because I don’t know the language. [story]
December 23rd, 2011
lmao